Tomorrow, we go into battle, we hurl ourselves into the haze of blood, fire and pastry that is the ultimate challenge. But today – ah, today, mon ami, we revel. For tonight is no ordinary MasterChef: it is a wacky MasterChef!

For one night everyone gets to live in nutty topsy-turvy Wonderland, as judges Jean-Christophe, Andy and Poh must cook. Not Sofia, though. Sofia doesn’t have to do anything, which seems unfair. She should at least have to write an article
about everyone else’s dishes and get judged on that.

The three remaining amateurs – Sav, Nat and Josh – will get to judge the judges. So finally the judges find out what it’s like to be a MasterChef contestant. Apart from Poh and Andy, who already know. And Jean-Christophe won’t actually know what it’s like because there’s no pressure or stakes. But apart from that.

The other twist in the tail is that all the eliminated contestants are on the balcony watching, although this is less a “twist” than an “annoyance”. It may not be a real challenge, but at least the judges will feel the aggravation of a bunch of screaming idiots yelling useless advice at you while you’re trying to concentrate.

The judges have 60 minutes to cook using a mystery box of ingredients from other boxes throughout the season. The best dish will mean nothing, as will the worst dish. After one hour everyone will simply stop and reflect on the emptiness of life.

Poh is making smoke quail dumplings with prawn crumble and apple skin sauce, reflecting her lifelong commitment to stringing random words together. Nat tells Poh her bench is messy. “I’m sorry Nat,” says Poh impishly. Sav tells Poh her dumplings better be the best dumplings ever. Everyone has a good laugh. Everyone in the kitchen, that is. Nobody watching at home is laughing. Some of us are probably crying.

Jean-Christophe is struggling with his mixer, as he can’t figure out how to plug it in. It’s a cruel moment, as we all know that France doesn’t have electricity. “I’m worried for him,” says Sav. “I don’t know if he’s going to have a dish at the end of this .” It’s a major concern, although what he definitely will have at the end of this is four Michelin stars and a highly paid job on television, which might console him.

Everyone has a good laugh. Everyone in the kitchen, that is. Nobody watching at home is laughing. Some of us are probably crying.

With 30 minutes to go, the balconyites observe that Andy is extremely calm in his work. What’s his secret? Mainly it’s that he doesn’t have Andy coming round to his bench to tell him his dish sucks every five minutes.

Meanwhile, Poh, suffering crippling Season One flashbacks, has lost touch with reality and is talking to her sauce. “Poh looks like what I imagine myself looked like in the kitchen,” says Alex, but Alex has seriously misjudged: Poh is not blonde. Juan, on the other hand, is stunned by the artistry of Poh’s dumpling-making. The way that experienced professional cooks can sometimes be better than complete amateurs is blowing his mind.

Time is up for the judges and the pointless process of tasting begins. Poh serves her dumplings. The amateurs, whose hopes and dreams depend on Poh liking them, amazingly think they’re nice. Jean-Christophe serves his tarte tatin with sugar nest. In a major shock, the amateurs like that too. Josh gives Jean Christophe a hug. Sav slaps the table. The crowd goes absolutely wild, starved of entertainment as they are. Finally, Andy serves his barbecued quail. It’s wonderful. Joy is unconfined. Poh is declared the winner, does a funny thing with
her arm, and the room erupts with sweet innocent laughter. Everyone agrees this has been time well spent, and goes h –

Oh wait, no, we’re still going? OK, whatever. The three amateurs must now cook against the judges in a relay – with the amateurs getting extra time. They must cook using miso, an ingredient chosen by Sofia specifically because nobody knows what it is. Sofia looks to the balcony to choose three ex-contestants to act as judges alongside her. She picks Alex, Darrsh and Juan, telling the rest that they are far too boring.

The relay begins. “This is going to be a really interesting one,” Sofia lies. Her fellow judges agree, just desperate to be on TV for a bit longer. Sav has pulled out a massive slab of beef. From the pantry, to be clear. “I think we’ve all got a point to prove,” she says, incorrectly: nothing today has any point at all. Andy has grabbed an enormous fish. “I’m gonna go French,” he says, tongue-kissing it passionately.

Poh and Josh enter the kitchen. Josh is delighted to be greeted by meat, his one true love. Andy explains to Poh what he’s planned. Poh look baffled. Alex thinks Poh might be second-guessing Andy’s choices, but actually she just didn’t understand anything he said. She’s fairly sure that it involves fish, and that she’s supposed to do something with the pots and pans that have mysteriously appeared before her, but what that might be, she’s no idea. Remembering
how well talking to sauce worked for her earlier, she begins talking to the tomatoes. The tomatoes remain standoffish.

The final leg begins, Nat and Jean-Christophe entering the kitchen. Josh tries to explain to Nat what’s happening. Nat tells him to go away as she already knows what she wants to do, and anything anyone else might think is irrelevant.

Poh does not explain to Jean-Christophe what’s happening, because she doesn’t know. Poh admits that she was quite flustered and that, given Jean-Christophe asked her to speak slowly because he has trouble understanding an Australian accent, and given that she was hyperventilating at the time, and given that she
blacked out and has no memory of the last six hours of her life, there might be an issue. However, the one thing that Jean-Christophe has on his side is that he is much much better at cooking than anyone else in this building.

The judges discuss the contest. Sofia notes that the amateurs could be in trouble if they can’t taste the miso in their dish. “Miso worried right now,” says Darrsh disgracefully. This is why you were eliminated, Darrsh. This right here.

Time is, thankfully, up. The amateurs serve their Thai beef salad. “The cook looks amazing,” says Sofia, but which cook? It can’t be Josh, surely? She holds up a strip of beef as she says it, which admittedly does look a bit like Josh. The dish is delicious, but the miso is muted, so there is definitely caused for deep shame.

The judges serve their kingfish, a dish that Jean-Christophe calls his “Australian experience”, because it was extremely confusing and has no purpose. It tastes beautiful and very miso-ey. The eliminated amateurs love it and Darrsh gives Poh a frypan, which sends the crowd over the edge into a sort of Taylor Swift concert-esque euphoria.

In the end the judges are declared the winner of the relay cook, possibly because they’re better at cooking but possibly because Sofia flipped a coin. But the important thing isn’t who won or lost, the important thing is that it’s over.

Tune in tomorrow, when MasterChef is on again.