Pace yourself, stock up: Surviving the tennis from your lounge room

Ladies and gentlemen on the couch, the linespeople are ready. The players are ready. The ballkids are ready. Are you?

It’s January, and that means the fortnight when the world’s eyes turn to Melbourne for that massive event we all refer to offhandedly as “the tennis”.

Bleary eyes are acceptable in the second half of January. It’s the law.Credit: Joe Benke

Did you see the tennis? How about the tennis? Who won the tennis? Who’s on in the tennis? When does the tennis start? Let’s go to the tennis — if not in person, then via the couch, and that means a two-week viewing marathon for which we need to be prepared.

So grab your new balls, please. Off we go.

Know your juice from your deuce

At this time of year, everyone is a tennis expert, and if you don’t know your stuff be prepared to bluff it.

Remember: tennis has the sporting world’s weirdest scoring system. Jerry Seinfeld theorised that players of yore were so hot in their long pants and jumpers that they couldn’t be bothered counting in single digits — “Point. You know what? Make it 15. I’m dying in this sweater here. Take another 10 points.”

Australia’s Ajla Tomljanovic returns to the Open this year after injury.Credit: Getty Images

Just go with it, because the logic — 15 + 15 + 10, then if you are 40 points all, we call it deuce, followed by advantage, then back to deuce — will never make sense. And the tiebreak? Well, best not to ask. There are now two kinds of tiebreaks — a shorter one in the early sets, a longer one in the deciding sets. We suggest you just have a drink and wait until someone looks like they won.

And then there’s the disciplinary rules. Nick Kyrgios isn’t playing, so we might be spared too much drama, but it works on a scale that starts with a warning and ends in default.

Pace yourself

A pro tip: if Andy Murray is playing, stock on up supplies — for today, tonight and maybe tomorrow. Murray is now constructed mostly of screws and metal, and his matches go on a bit. Last year, his first two matches ran a total of nearly 11 hours and one of them wrapped up after 4am.

The lesson: be prepared to refuel.

Do not play a drinking game during a tennis match; the insane scoring system is such that you may die.

We suggest giving it a nudge early if you must, but have coffee on hand for later. And for the next morning when you have to go to work. Bleary eyes are acceptable in the second half of January. It’s the law.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!

For better, and often worse, you will hear that chant over the coming weeks, and for the first time in years, we have genuine title contender and a top-10 seed in Alex de Minaur.

The Demon will shoulder the local load, but there are a couple of dozen other Australians in the men’s and women’s draws and the media ensures we never have to work hard to keep an eye on our local hopes (and even our local no-hopes). Rest assured, if an Australian is playing, it will be shouted in your earhole loudly for two days prior.

Mac’s back

Nine’s team is largely regular reliables, mostly notable this year for the return of John McEnroe, who is listed on the Nine roster as well as for the US broadcaster ESPN.

McEnroe’s commentary can veer to the eccentric and self-parody, but he is never less than entertaining. Our main hope: that he returns to his after-match on-court interview gig. You never know might be in the audience to help him along, as this famous moment with Roger Federer and Will Ferrell showed.

Limber up the fingers

This is not your grandpa’s Australian Open, when the event was a sedate affair, broadcast on one station from late morning until the evening news.

It is a super-modern, all-digital spectacular spread across three free-to-air stations and their accompanying apps, as well an eye-watering streaming option. Your screen-hopping skills are going to get a workout.

On Stan, (owned by Nine, which also owns this masthead) you can watch every court at Melbourne Park, and then watch it all again if you so fancy. So if you can’t get enough Carlos, need more Novak or want an Osaka overdose, it’s all there waiting for you — but do remember to get some sleep.

So long, farewell

And whatever happens, raise a glass to Roger and Rafa. This is the first Australian Open in which neither of them feature since 1999.

For once, they, like you, will both be watching it all unfold from the couch. At last, we have something in common.

Find out the next TV, streaming series and movies to add to your must-sees. Get The Watchlist delivered every Thursday.