Australian Open 2022: Rise of the ‘brain dead’ tennis fan sorry blight on Australia, says Will Swanton

They’ve been dumb, idiotic, inappropriate, clueless and disrespectful. In fact, it’s been so stupid and cringe-worthy that Will Swanton can’t believe it’s happening.

Raucous fans went a bit over the top with their support.

“Brain dead,” says Nick Kyrgios.

Never a truer word from him. Rarely has he displayed a higher IQ.

He’s describing the brain-dead mob that first piped up at the Australian Open during Andy Murray’s opening-round clash against Nicoloz Basilashvilli.

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Raucous fans went a bit over the top with their support.

It was the match before Kyrgios versus Liam Broady on John Cain Arena and the brain dead were turning up in force. They were doing what the brain dead always do. They were acting all brain dead.

Murray was pouring his battered old heart into a five-set victory. Glorious stuff. Late in proceedings, though, when the Kyrgios throng was in place, Murray could have sworn he was being booed by an especially brain dead section of punters.

When he spoke in his on-court interview about hoping to make a deep run at the Australian Open, the brain dead started behaving all brain dead again. They were booing him again.

“It’s painful stuff for those guys,” Murray said before calling it “incredibly irritating.”

It was painful stuff for everyone in John Cain Arena. The really irritating thing about the brain dead is that they don’t know they’re brain dead. Jeez, I hate the brain dead.

They’ve been dumb, idiotic, inappropriate, clueless and disrespectful at the Australian Open. If the brain dead is the “new crowd” everyone in tennis keeps banging on about wanting to attract, leave me out of it.

I’m all for deafening roars and electrifying atmospheres, but the brain dead should be stopped at the front gates.

There’s already a couple of questions you must answer to get into Melbourne Park. Are you vaccinated? Have you scanned the QR code? I’d like to suggest a third. Are you brain dead?

If anyone does or says anything that suggests they might be, kick them out. You’d have to be brain dead to let the brain dead into a major.

Even Kyrgios had trouble with the noise.

The booing/siuuuing thing is just about the dumbest thing I’ve seen in sport. The most aggravating crowd noise since the vuvuzelas at the 2010 World Cup. It’s not a boo, say the brain dead. It’s a siuuu! I don’t care what it is. It sounds terrible. Ugly. Hateful. Shows Australia in a crass light to a global audience. It’s so stupid and cringe-worthy that I can’t actually believe it’s happening.

It’s not just what the brain dead are doing. It’s when they’re doing it. They real do spoil things, the brain dead. When they realise something is annoying you, they start doing it even more. And even louder. It must be a lot of fun to be brain dead.

They were so brain dead during the Daniil Medvedev/Kyrgios match that they started aggravating the bloke they were trying to help. “So annoying,” Kyrgios muttered. He asked them to be smarter. They might have taken his wise advice but they had a problem. They were brain dead. One especially memorable exchange went like this.

Kyrgios to the brain dead: “Will you not scream during my f … ing serve?”

The umpire to Kyrgios: “Code violation. Audible obscenity. Warning, Mr Kyrgios.”

Kyrgios to the umpire: “Then you tell them to shut up!”

Kyrgios to the brain dead: “Just don’t do it as I’m tossing the ball up. Brain-dead.”

Nick Kyrgios had a meltdown moment with the ‘brain dead’ fans.

I get the Ronaldo thing. And I don’t get the Ronaldo thing. Another hassle with the brain dead is that they make all these brain dead arguments. And you can’t win a brain dead argument unless you’re brain dead yourself.

So, when Ronaldo scores a goal he goes siuuu. Which is Spanish for yes. What I don’t get about this brain dead explanation is this. What has Ronaldo, or football, or Spanish, got to do with Australian Open tennis matches? Am I missing something? It’s not football. There’s no Portuguese players in these matches. The brain dead don’t understand how brain dead they’re actually being. The poor things are too brain dead.

Now, don’t get me wrong. A football-style atmosphere is brilliant in tennis. It used to happen in home-and-away Davis Cup ties before the brain dead decision from the ITF to change the format.

The incessant booing and siuuuing is one thing. The timing is another. Tennis revolves around deafening noise and then tense silences. That’s what the brain dead don’t get. All they want to do is turn up, scream for three hours and go home. It really is brain dead of the brain dead to act this brain dead at the tennis.

When Andre Agassi was inducted to the Hall of Fame, he likened the New York crowd noises to a jet engine and then a giant heartbeat. The rousing ovations were the jet-engine moments. The silence between points was the heartbeat. He said he would always miss the noise but even more so, the deep-and-meaningful silences.

That’s what the brain dead in Melbourne don’t understand. All they want to do is make their brain dead noise.

The best tennis crowds are wise. They get the moments right. They go berserk after an exhilarating point, but when a player walks to the line to serve, they go quiet again. Totally and absolutely quiet. They’re the heartbeat moments. Arguably the best moments. The hair stands on the back of your neck. You can barely breathe. You can feel your own heart pounding.

Kyrgios looks on as Medvedev takes questions at the end of the match.

The noise is fantastic but just as great and important in tennis is the lull. The calm before the next storm. You’d have to be brain dead not to know that.

Forget the siuuuing. The brain dead are booing just as much. The siuuu thing gives them an escape clause. The pissweak, the brain dead, always looking for a way out. We’re not booing you. We’re siuuuing you! Then they boo anyway. Ah, man. It makes you think you just can’t beat the brain dead.

Medvedev was treated appallingly and yet he was smart enough to bite his tongue until he won the match. He only really turned his attention to the brain dead during his on-court interview with Jim Courier. The real hero of the night? Not Kyrgios. Medvedev.

Courier: “How’d you enjoy that match?”

Medvedev: “I came to win this match and I am happy I managed to do it.”

Courier (while the brain dead boo): “I want to talk about the way that you managed your emotions. You sometimes show more emotions than we saw tonight. You were calm and focused. Was that part of your strategy coming out here and dealing with what Nick and the crowd can bring to a night like this?”

Medvedev: “That is the only choice when you get booed between first and second serve. You have to stay calm and win the match.”

Daniil Medvedev kept his composure to win in four sets.

Courier (more boos from the brain dead): “I know, I know. I think they are saying “siuuu,” which is a soccer, football thing.”

Medvedev (louder booing from the brain dead): “Sorry, I can’t hear you. Show some respect for Jim Courier. Thank you, guys. Let him speak, please. If you respect somebody, at least respect Jim Courier. What I was saying is … I cannot hear him, guys.”

Courier (louder and louder booing from the brain dead): “I will come a little closer. What I think they have been saying is “siuuu,” which is a thing when Ronaldo scores a goal. So I think that is what is going on. I don’t think they are booing you. I hope I am right on that.”

An Australian sporting crowd has rarely been so embarrassing. Medvedev is a great player. Fascinating character. Once the match was done, he deserved a standing ovation for the role he played. Tennis is selling its soul if it starts letting the brain dead run the show. They were booing, not siuuing, when Medvedev walked away to do an interview with Eurosport.

“Break point, second serve, and people are cheering like you already made a double fault,” he said. “That’s just disappointing. It’s not everybody who is doing it but those who are doing it probably have a low IQ.”

Brilliant. True. Got the brain dead right between the eyes. In his post-match press conference, Medvedev said: “I have never been to a match with Cristiano (Ronaldo). I don‘t know if they are trying to do what Cristiano is doing after the match, or if people on the stadium do it. Because when you watch (football) on TV, there are commentators, so I cannot really hear it. The only thing is between first and second serve, that’s where it’s tough. It’s not good for the game to do it. Because probably people don’t know, but when you’re getting ready for the second serve, well, it’s a tough moment. I think people should respect both players and just don’t talk in these moments.”

Hopefully the brain dead have departed with Kyrgios. It’s not his fault. He didn’t want the brain dead to be this brain dead.

Medvedev did beat them in the end. Masterfully. Intelligently. Subtely. Hilariously. Walking off Rod Laver Arena, he grinned and wrote on a TV camera: “Siuuuu!”

Originally published as Australian Open 2022: Rise of the ‘brain dead’ tennis fan sorry blight on Australia, says Will Swanton