American sportswriter’s hilarious description of Wallabies’ Rugby World Cup match

WHEN an Aussie with no clue about the NFL live blogged Jarryd Hayne’s first game for the 49ers, America lost its mind. Now it’s Australia’s turn.

CARDIFF, WALES - SEPTEMBER 23: David Pocock of Australia in action during the 2015 Rugby World Cup Pool A match between Australia and Fiji at Millennium Stadium on September 23, 2015 in Cardiff, United Kingdom. (Photo by Stu Forster/Getty Images)

IT GOES without saying America still doesn’t get rugby.

For most, it’s still that sport the guy from San Francisco used to play.

Team USA went down in their Rugby World Cup opener against Samoa 25-16 last week, but not many in the United States seemed to notice.

Fortunately, the All Blacks and Wallabies have enough pull to ignite the curiosity of at least a couple American sports writers.

More importantly, the Wallabies’ 28-13 win over Fiji on Thursday morning peaked the interest of ESPN senior writer Jim Caple, who penned his first thoughts on this crazy little sport we call rugby.

Caple begins the column titled “One newbie’s view of scrums, tries and the sport of rugby” by acknowledging he has no idea what he’s watching - just as Australian freelance reporter Matt Cleary did for The Guardian during a live blog of Jarryd Hayne’s first game in the NFL for the 49ers, which went viral in the USA on the back of phrases like “he’s grassed it” and “looks like he’s eaten an onion sandwich”.

Caple’s turns of phrase are slightly more polished, but his puzzlement at watching a foreign sport is equally as entertaining.

Here’s the third declaration he makes in the story: “Matt Damon is the greatest rugby player in history, having led South Africa to victory in the movie “Invictus,” Caple says with his tongue planted firmly in cheek.

Not difficult to see why an American would be confused by this.

“With that extensive background, I live-streamed Wednesday’s Australia-Fiji match at the Rugby World Cup, partly for the pleasure but also to gain some knowledge for the 2016 Summer Games where rugby sevens will make its Olympic debut in Rio.

“Seriously, rugby is confusing for the novice but seems to be a fun combination of football, soccer and the U.S. Congress.

“There are incredibly well-built athletes (15 on a side) running around the field, pushing, shoving, snarling and tackling one another while trying to carry the ball across the goal line.

“There are also offsides, kick-offs, three-point kicks through goal posts and extra points; however, there are no helmets, shoulder pads or Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

“Even the pre-game festivities can be interesting. Like New Zealand, Fiji performs an entertaining dance in front of their Australian opponents. U.S. pro teams might want to copy that. Picture the New England Patriots stomping their legs and pounding their chests as Tom Brady and the equipment crew deflate the football before kick-off.”

Then Caple is confronted by his first scrum.

US winger Brett Thompson shows there are Americans who know what’s happening on a rugby field.

“Scrums are an odd and interesting part of rugby,” he writes.

“Apparently, following an illegal forward pass, a scrum results with eight players from each side wrapping their arms around one another and trying to slowly push the opponent out of the way while waiting for the ball to appear behind one of the teams like a freshly laid egg.

“In this particular scrum in the eighth minute, Australia and Fiji locked up and grunted and sweated and pushed and groaned and cursed and yet were unable to budge the other side so much as a millimeter. It was like watching a gripping fourth-and-goal stand in super-slow motion ... or Republicans and Democrats debate a tax bill.

“Still, it made for an entertaining match to watch overall. It also made me interested in seeing a match in person rather than on my laptop. Which would be way better because not only would I feel the excitement of the crowd, but I could also turn to the fan next to me and ask, “Um, what just happened?”

Originally published as American sportswriter’s hilarious description of Wallabies’ Rugby World Cup match