A humble, friendly Australian team is nice, but it doesn’t win medals, writes Mike Colman
Thank goodness for Chloe Esposito. Just what the dickens is going on with our team? The BMX fiasco summed up an underwhelming Olympics for Australia, writes Mike Colman.
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ALL I can say is thank goodness for Chloe Esposito.
Just what the dickens is going on with our Olympic team?
That BMX fiasco said it all. How do you go into a final with the two top qualifiers sitting in the two best lanes and finish out of a place?
And as for the Boomers. I reckon we should swab them. They went from Cox Plate favourites to pulling a milk cart in the space of 24 hours.
Seems to me we’re playing in a different competition to everyone else over here. They’re going for gold, silver and bronze and we’re going for … well, I’m not sure what the colour we’re going for, but it ain’t shiny.
Maybe we should ask the IOC to bring in a two tier system in Tokyo. Sort of like the old B-final thing they used to have for swimming in the old days.
Back then the top eight competitors who missed out on making the final got to swim in a final of their own. I seem to remember Lisa Curry won one.
It must have been a good thing because I once saw her described in a paper as an “Olympic great”.
My plan is a little bit like that, but different. I reckon they should give another set of medals for coming fourth, fifth and sixth. They could have a whole different medal ladder and everything.
Judging on how some of our biggest names have gone over the past fortnight I reckon we’d blitz it. If we’re not the Olympic champions at coming fourth and fifth I’m a bad judge.
Not that there is anything wrong with not winning a gold medal – or any coloured medal for that matter. As Bronte Campbell said, the Olympics isn’t about winning, it’s about trying to win.
I guess it’s just better if, when you’re trying to win, you actually do win.
That’s something some of our athletes haven’t been able to get their heads around. And you can’t blame them. Some of the psychobabble that they’ve had thrown at them over the past four years would confuse a Jedi Master.
In his report on the performance of the team in Rio, Swimming Australia high-performance manager Wayne Lomas wrote: “Our team promotes and facilitates a values-driven, learning-oriented, process-focused culture.
“What this means is that our values drive who we are and how we treat ourselves, our teammates, our sport and our country.
“We are committed to the personal and professional growth and learning of our people. Whether someone achieves peak performance or they miss their own goal and dream through a sub-optimal performance, the individual’s value is retained.”
No wonder our swimmers don’t know whether they’re supposed to beat the Yanks or invite them in for a group hug.
Look, I think it’s great that our athletes are really, really nice people, but it doesn’t seem to be bringing in too many medals.
So here’s what I suggest: we hire the Roosters’ suspended recruitment officer and tell him to find us some complete dickheads. First up I’d be signing Ryan Lochte. Sure he couldn’t lie straight in bed and he’ll rip your dunny door off its hinges the minute you turn your back, but I tell you what: he’ll win us some gold.
And that Irish boxer who reckons all the officials are cheats. And sign up the officials while you’re at it.
That Egyptian judo guy who refused to shake the hand of his Israeli opponent might be a bit too controversial even for our new-look badass team, so I’d get the Israeli instead.
Same goes for the superheavy weightlifter who kicked up such a fuss that they called the cops on him. Speaking on cops I’m sure we could find a place for the one who pulled a gun on Lochte. Maybe put him in the shooting team.
Oh, and what’s the name of that runner who went on like a pork chop when someone tried to run past him in the semis? Oh yeah. Usain Bolt. Let’s get him. Unlike us, he seems to know how to win.
Originally published as A humble, friendly Australian team is nice, but it doesn’t win medals, writes Mike Colman
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