Mike Colman turns attention from cricket to wholesome rugby league

PHEW. At last we can forget about those filthy, dirty, rotten cheating cricketers for a few minutes and turn our attention to pure-as-the-driven-snow rugby league, writes Mike Colman.

Cooper Cronk (right) of the Roosters with Mitchell Pearce of the Knights. Photo: AAP

PHEW. At last we can forget about those filthy, dirty, rotten cheating cricketers for a few minutes and turn our attention to pure-as-the-driven-snow rugby league, a game where the only use for electrical tape is holding up socks and hiding lobotomy scars.

Footage showing Cameron Bancroft using a piece of sticking plaster to tamper with the ball during the third test against South Africa in Cape Town.

Not that following the footy has been too easy for the past three weeks. A couple of years back a friend told me that anyone leading the office tipping comp after the first round obviously has no idea about rugby league. This year I’d extend that by a couple of weeks.

Warriors and Dragons undefeated at the top of the table and the Cowboys fifth from the bottom? Anyone who says they saw that coming is either a liar or a genius of Steve Smith magnitude.

Poor Steve. Bradman one day, Hanse Cronje the next.

Still, we all make mistakes. Just last week I predicted that Mitchell Pearce could be the buy of the season. Now I know it’s going to be Cooper Cronk. It’s as clear as the sticky tape down the front of Cameron Bancroft’s pants.

As for the worst buy, right now Jarryd Hayne looks to have a mortgage on the title.

Who at the Eels could have possibly thought that bringing the Hayne Plane back in to land was a good idea? Especially when he’s gone from a stealth bomber to a passenger plane in the time he’s been away.

Maybe it was the same person who dropped Fatty Vautin from The Footy Show.

Apparently the idea was to make the show more about serious analysis of football.

“I know,” said a highly paid consultant (who I believe has since been hired to advise the Australian cricket team leadership group on match tactics).

“Let’s get rid of a bloke who played over 200 first grade games and 22 Origins, captained a premiership team and coached the Maroons to a 3-blot series win.”

Still, look on the bright side. Fatty’s astute analysis is the best thing to happen to the gibberfest that is Nine’s live coverage since the night the producer told Darrell Eastlake to turn down his microphone and Big Dazza said, “I’m not using one.”

Those were the days — not that there’s anything wrong with the talent on show so far this season. Or the closeness of the competition.

Sure there’s been a couple of blowouts, but there’s also been some nailbiters.

Speaking of which, how would you like to be Ricky Stuart’s manicurist?

I wouldn’t be at all surprised (which is journalist-speak for ‘I couldn’t be bothered going back through the records to find out’) if this year’s Raiders are the only team in rugby league history to have lost their first three games and have a for and against differential of only -5.

Maybe all they need is to hire someone who can give them some hints on how to win those tight ones.

I believe Steve Smith could have a bit of time on his hands soon.

Originally published as Mike Colman turns attention from cricket to wholesome rugby league