Bulldogs’ banner writer Danny McGinlay presents his AFL lovers’ guide to summer soccer

AHEAD of the Saturday’s A-League Melbourne derby, Bulldogs banner writer Danny McGinlay offers a guide for footy fans trying to understand the round ball game.

THE A-League has snuck up on me this year… usually I pull out my Melbourne Victory scarf as soon as the Bulldogs’ season goes pear shaped. (Some years that’s been Round 4).

This year though I’ve been distracted by the greatest AFL Finals series ever, and I almost forgot to turn on the TV last Friday night to see my beloved Victorians take on Brisbane.

It’s usually around this time of year that AFL fans are looking for something to fill the void of the off season.

Cricket is still a few weeks away, everyone’s NBL team has long died, and horse racing is so dull you need fashion, gambling and Dane Swan levels of alcohol just to make it bearable.

So what to do?

Personally I love round ball football, I love how the whole planet takes part and every single club has a beautiful story and culture that’s unique.

I love the rivalries and the stories behind them, from the two Milan clubs who split over whether to sign foreign players (giving birth to Inter Milan) to this weekend’s derby battle between my Victory and cross town rivals Melbourne City who I hate!

(For they have committed the most cardinal of football sins – existing geographically close)

I love even more when you see parallels between two football clubs of different codes, lots of people compared my Bulldogs with Leicester City this year - triumphant underdogs.

I see Footscray more like the Glasgow Celtic of the AFL, a club formed by the lower classes who embrace their migrant community fan base, where good people smile at misfortune and often sell each other heroin.

So here’s a handy guide for AFL fans about which soccer club is most like their AFL team, both here and abroad, to help you choose who to support.

Until the cricket starts.

Adelaide

Overseas – Napoli. A town with a lot of churches and drug crime. Always in the finals mix but never quite on top.

Local – Brisbane Roar. Some amazing players, Broich, Betts, Oar, Tex… and some other people in the squad I’m sure even the coach just calls ‘mate’.

Our image system didn’t have any photos of the Mariner’s oversized sauce bottles, so here’s a picture of their coach, Paul Okon, gesticulating wildly instead. Picture: Getty Images

Brisbane Lions

Overseas – Leeds United. Traditionally a Rugby town, had some great successes but let’s just say they’re all broadcast in standard definition.

Local – Central Coast Mariners. What they lack in football skills, they more than make up for with inflatable props. Giant sauce bottles and Bryon the Lion stand tall!

Carlton

Overseas – Chelsea. Both rich, both called the Blues, neither have heard of the term ‘salary cap’.

Local – Melbourne City. Both rich, both blue and white, neither have won anything since 1995.

Collingwood

Overseas - Manchester United. Like the Magpies, they are the most recognized club in their sport, also their best days seem to be behind them.

Local – Western Sydney Wanderers. They have a great amount of passionate supporters, who can create amazing atmosphere and it’s unsurprising, matchday is the most exciting day of the week, behind dole day!

At no stage has anyone tried to make a meme out of this photo of Arsenal manarger Arsene Wenger attempting flight. Picture: AFP

Essendon

Overseas – Arsenal. Originally working class clubs that due to success have become corporate giants. Fans that are insufferable and humourless on social media. Bombers/Gunners it’s poetry.

Local – Perth Glory. Off field issues have galvanized a loyal fan base. Josh Risden is like their Jobe, he’s the favourite son, and he too didn’t deserve to win the 2012 Brownlow medal.

Fremantle

Overseas – Everton. A big team in a big footballing city that just never seems to be as big as its neighbour.

Local – Melbourne City. A big team in a big footballing city that just never seems to be as big as its neighbour.

Geelong

Overseas – Barcelona. About a decade ago were a bit of a fairytale, but sustained success means now everyone is sick to death of their smug glory hunting fans.

Local – Wellington Phoenix. Geographically out of the way, good teams representing areas hit hard by the demise of manufacturing/Hobbit films.

Gold Coast Suns

Overseas – Paris Saint-Germain. A town with cash to spend in a tourist hub that hasn’t really made the big impact most were expecting.

Local – Sydney FC. Lots of big names, lots of oh-that’s- right-HE- played-for- them-didn’t- he? A coach who looks angry all the time.

GWS Giants

Overseas – Manchester City. More great players on the bench than other teams have in their whole squad. All living in a part of the country nobody else wants to live in.

Local – Melbourne City. Big corporate backers, big players, no success yet.

Sorry Victory, you’re the Hawthorn of the A-League. Picture: Getty Images

Hawthorn

Overseas – Bayern Munich. Lots of success, lots of haters, lots of fans with blonde hair and blue eyes.

Local – I hate to say it but Melbourne Victory. The fan base, the silverware, the success. The only difference is Hawthorn have such hateable players and the Victorian lads are universally known as some of best people on the planet.

Melbourne

Overseas – AS Monaco. Some rich fans, some great players, distinct lack of recent success.

Local – Newcastle Jets. Good team from good football heartland, but denied happy times due to mind bogglingly terrible decisions from club management.

North Melbourne

Overseas – Dundee FC. Not the biggest team in town, and their most famous manager (Bob Shankly) had a much more successful brother.

Local – Adelaide United. Have lost a lot of the big names and had a topsy turvy year, only difference is United decided to be good in the second half of the season.

Port Adelaide

Overseas – West Ham United. Dominant in the lower divisions but mostly irrelevant in the Premier League. Big celebs follow West Ham – Barack Obama, John Cleese, Matt Damon, Port have Hugh Jackman and…. I guess Kochy?

Local – South Melbourne Hellas. At least the state league team is doing okay?

Richmond

Overseas – Newcastle United. Going through coaches faster than other teams change socks, passionate fans that are slightly inbred-looking, and an ability to nick top players from other clubs only to have them get horribly injured.

Local – Melbourne Victory. No real parallels here, it’s just Tiger fans need to see some success!

Savour the memory, Saints fans. Picture: Supplied

St Kilda

Overseas – England. Not a club I know, but it’s too much of a coincidence that their only success came in 1966. Plus the majority of St Kilda is English backpackers so it works.

Local – North Queensland Fury. Mostly so said backpackers can have a team to support when they inevitably head up that way.

Sydney Swans

Overseas – Real Madrid. A team of champions in an expensive part of the world.

Local – Adelaide United. Lose more Grand Finals than they win.

West Coast Eagles

Overseas – Liverpool. A proud successful club that hasn’t won anything for a decade.

Local – Melbourne Victory. The original club in town. Always expected to do well but often fall short.

And there you have it! You’re now ready to make the six month change from Aussie Rules to the World Game! (Just try and ignore the diving… we’re all embarrassed by it)

Originally published as Bulldogs’ banner writer Danny McGinlay presents his AFL lovers’ guide to summer soccer