Western Bulldogs star forward Jamarra Ugle-Hagan says he was driven to the brink of despair and contemplated taking his own life in his time out of the game this year.
Ugle-Hagan is adamant he is finally in a good place and is desperate to play for the Bulldogs before season’s end, after addressing his mental health issues in a 30-day stay at a Byron Bay retreat.
The 23-year-old former No.1 draft pick has also opened up on some of the significant challenges he faced growing up on the Aboriginal mission of Framlingham, which included losing some of his cousins to mental health and finding his uncle “in a gutter”.
The young gun who booted 43 goals last year has not played a game this season, after stepping away from his club to work on “personal issues” related to his mental health. But he returned to the club last week in an attempt to revive his career.
Speaking for the first time in a harrowing interview with former AFL players Mitch Robinson and Rhys Mathieson on the ‘Rip Through it’ podcast, Ugle-Hagan said he hit rock bottom amid the intense spotlight on him this year.
“All the noises actually sent me to a rehab facility for my mental health,” Ugle-Hagan said.
“It got to a point where I had to give my car to a mate so I couldn’t drive, I just didn’t trust myself driving.
There were times when I would think about – to be honest with you – just not even worth even living.
“I went through a struggle where I didn’t want to leave the house. I hit rock bottom, and found basement.
“Definitely (there were suicidal thoughts). Suicidal thoughts would come pretty frequently.
“Especially when I felt like I was on my own the whole time. The way I was isolated and put out in public.”
Ugle-Hagan has returned from a period of indefinite leave and said he was desperate to reclaim his place in the side in the run home to finals.
At his lowest point, Ugle-Hagan said he had lost direction and discipline in his life and only opened up about the full extent of his personal struggles at the rehabilitation centre last month.
“When you are down you want to keep finding an upper. My upper was probably staying and hanging out with my mates and getting on the p--- and training with them as well,” he said.
“But it just had no end goal, I didn’t have a game. I didn’t have anything.
“My mental health wasn’t in the right space so I was struggling, and I found it really tough to even enjoy football.
I lost the fun in it. I didn’t want to play, it wasn’t even a priority because all I wanted to do was find something.
“But I didn’t know what that was until I have had this break.”
He said the stay at the retreat had helped change his life.
“It takes balls to talk in a group but once you do it, it is f---ing amazing, it feels good and they have answers for you,” he said.
“You think you are alone and no one understands.
“But when you speak up and hear people’s stories it makes you feel so much better hearing people’s stories and knowing they’re going through the same thing you are.”
Ugle-Hagan was criticised for missing the Dogs’ 100th year anniversary match earlier in the season, but he said it was because his friend was in a dark spot and needed support.
“My best mate rang me on the phone and was about to take his own life and I had to call him out of it, while he was in Warrnambool,” he said.
“He come up that weekend and spent it with me and the game was on, that is why I didn’t go.”
Despite intense trade speculation linking him to a fresh start at Sydney Swans, Ugle-Hagan said his only focus was proving himself on the training track in a bid to regain his spot.
He said his ultimate ambition was to win a flag at the Bulldogs.
“I want to play footy. I can’t wait to play footy,” he said.
I want to kick a f---ing goal in front of those crowds.
“I have been watching every single Bulldogs game. I have been supporting them, been watching them.
“I will go to games at the end of the year. I genuinely want to play one more (game), I want to play some games.
“It’s going to be grouse.”
Ugle-Hagan was racially abused by a St Kilda fan in a game in 2023 and responded the next week booting five goals.
He pointed to his skin in a Nicky Winmar-style gesture which was captured in an iconic photograph, but behind the scenes he was hurting.
“I was angry (about the abuse), sad, and behind doors I was bawling my eyes out. It affected me heaps,” he said.
“Then I was even embarrassed. I said nothing and did nothing. I just didn’t want to go out in public.
“I went out there (the following week) and kicked the first goal and the last and kicked five.
“I was going to point to my mouth guard because it is indigenous colours, but I pointed at my skin and pulled up my jumper and it was the best feeling ever.
“The boys and the team f--- they made me feel good.”
He said having football taken away earlier in the season as part of his flexible training arrangement was difficult to accept.
But he was grateful for the club’s ongoing support.
“I call the CEO my brother, Ameet Bains, that is my one of my good mates, I love him,” he said.
“I’m good friends with the doctor and good mates with all the boys, there’s different characters.
“You go in there, they look after you and they genuinely love you in there.
“It is just, I will get anxious and have that anxiety about going in (to the club) because I feel like I did (let them down).
“Unfortunately it was out of my control because my mental health was not in the right spot.
“I thought I was actually going really well, I’m training well.
“Then I was just getting to the end of the week and I felt like I didn’t have the reward.
“It was like ‘When am I playing next? When am I going to play?’”
Ugle-Hagan said he had not thought about a trade.
“I’m obviously still contracted with the ‘Doggies’ and I still want to play for them and I want to win a flag,” he said.
“It’s the Bulldogs until my contract runs out and then hopefully they offer me another one, but we will see how we go.
“They have given me opportunities since day dot, so why can’t I get back?”
The number one pick also lifted the lid on his love for his family and the difficulties of transitioning from Framlingham to Scotch College.
“The upbringing was tough,” he said.
“Yeah I was lucky to have a great family and parents who looked after me and did whatever they could to get food on the table and shoes on your feet.
“But if I didn’t do what I did, I feel that my brothers probably would have went downhill and backwards, so I was the first male to graduate school in the community in a long time.
“It’s hard work. It was tough. It does take a toll and it is only just hitting me even more this year.
“For example, I have seen – I have had multiple cousins take their lives. Even just recently.
“We found our cousin in his room. I found my uncle, or my family found our uncle in the gutter down the road from our house.
“The s--t I have seen. I have seen a lot more than that as well.”.
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