Adam Cooney on how he became a football ‘Man WAG’

BROWNLOW medallist Adam Cooney thought he’d be happy away from the footy — until his wife Hayley took on the captaincy of her team. The former AFL star’s hilarious take on how the Cooney household has flipped on its head.

LIFE has changed a lot for me since my retirement from AFL in August 2016.

My exercise regime has decreased dramatically, the only real competitive sport I play now is a couple of local basketball games on a Monday and Wednesday night.

My weight is slowly increasing (I’ll be raising the bat and kissing the helmet soon if I’m not careful).

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Hayley Cooney runs out on Mother's Day with Spotswood. Picture: Hayley Cooney/Instagram

I’m happy in retirement and I’m enjoying being away from of a full time football environment … or so I thought.

My wife Hayley has taken up the captaincy this year for the Spotswood Wolves women’s team in the WRFL.

Sunday (Father’s Day) was a do or die clash with Laverton — the winner advancing through to the preliminary final, the loser left to plan their mad Monday outfit and inform their partners they will see them again on Tuesday.

On Saturday morning — 24 hours before the big game — Hayley informed me that she was taking us all out for Father’s Day lunch, to pay homage to the husband, father and all-round humble hero that I am.

“Sorry babe, we’ve got footy tomorrow so we’re celebrating Father’s Day early,” Hayley told me.

“Geez, I’m not sure about that”, I thought to myself, obviously without expressing my feelings verbally to her.

Retiring Brownlow medallist Adam and his wife Haylea and 2 of his 3 kids Ash and Jax relaxing at his Newport home. Pic: Michael Klein

But I went along with it.

We had a nice afternoon, we were in bed by 9pm as we had an early start (for Father’s Day).

I figured Hayley and the kids would wake me up early to prepare my coffee and breakfast in bed before she left for footy.

But it wasn’t to be.

I woke at 8am to a cold coffee sitting by my bed.

Hayley, nowhere to be seen, had deserted, leaving me cold and alone on Father’s Day, to be with her Wolfpack instead.

I got up, made the kids breakfast, sorted their clothes, brushed their teeth and piled them all into the car to watch the big game which kicked off at 9.45am.

Adam Cooney runs water for his wife's footy team, Spotswood. Picture: @21Dreams

‘HEY, WATERBOY’

We parked behind the goals at Burbank oval, home of the Williamstown Seagulls, using a car park pass I obtained (One of the perks of being the captain’s husband).

When we walked into the rooms to wish the girls good luck I was greeted by Hayley, who was smiling and holding a fluoro pink bib in her hand.

“One of the girls has pulled out from running water, we need you to fill-in,” she said, without asking.

“Perfect, just perfect”, I thought to myself — obviously without expressing my feelings verbally to her.

So I slid the pink bib on, grabbed a couple of water bottles and took my position as hydration officer on the ground, only to look up in the stands and see the rest of the boys sucking back cans of Great Northerns at 10am, all enjoying their well earned Father’s Day treat.

Halfway through the second quarter came the moment.

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“Now that’s what I call high quality H2O”.

I was standing off the ground completely over the boundary line holding my water bottles, minding my own business when the whistle blew: “free kick against Spotswood! Against you Waterboy! You’re not standing in your designated zone!”

I was standing about 3m away from the designated ‘water box’ zone so the ump awarded a free kick to Laverton.

I realised, at that very moment I had lost all identity as a 250-game, Brownlow medallist and I accepted there on the spot that now all I was reduced to was a fully fledged ‘Man WAG’ or HAP (husband and partner) as we prefer to be called.

What I will say about the free kick against me is that it was the most petty, embarrassing moment of umpiring I’ve ever seen in my life and the ump should be ashamed of himself for letting his ego get in the way of a game of footy.

Adam Cooney retired at the end of 2016 and now he looks after the kids … Picture: Michael Klein

… while wife Hayley takes the field. Picture: @21Dreams

SHOE ON THE OTHER FOOT

The Cooney house has flipped on its head this year.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are training nights for Hayley.

As she strolls out of the door at 6pm, I’m left stranded with the kids during witching hour, cooking dinner, doing house work, school lunches, dishes, organising them for bed. There’s been physio sessions, recovery, countless occasions where she has left me for meetings, fundraising sessions, team dinners and bonding sessions.

She’s even left the house when kids have been ill.

Every weekend this happens, leaving me to deal with household chores, running kids to parties, dancing classes, various sport, and everything in between.

I have been kicked out of our local football club because of ‘girls only’ nights of drinking and debauchery.

The girls have planned their ‘Silly Sunday’ and got their costumes sorted for ‘Mad Monday’(I suppose that’s another two days straight I’ve got to look after my kids by myself).

Not sure what dressing up and playing silly games has got to do with football anyway?

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Hayley and Adam Cooney on the night of his Brownlow Medal win.

There’s even been discussions of a four-day footy trip in Queensland for the Wolves — absurd, if you ask me.

Just because they played a few games of footy together doesn’t mean they need or deserve a holiday together.

If anything, it’s me and the other HAPS Who deserve a trip away for everything we sacrifice through the year while the girls have been at ‘footy’.

Football has consumed my life this year, hours of Hayley’s stories about who should get a game, ‘such and such doesn’t train hard enough’, ‘Theo said this to me’, ‘Ray is being too hard, too soft’, ‘Scratcha’s training drills are too complicated’.

Seriously how many coaches do you need at one football club?

This HAP business Isn’t all glitz and glamour. It’s a thankless, exhausting job! I’ve only been doing it for two years.

I couldn’t imagine doing it for another 11.

To all the other HAPS out there Who have also lost their wives to football ‘training’ and weekly team ‘bonding sessions’ and are left raising children, doing housework and feeling isolated and underappreciated, remember, you are not alone and you are appreciated.

Don’t worry lads, our time will come!

Hayley Cooney takes a grab while playing for Spotswood. Picture: Local Legends

Originally published as Adam Cooney on how he became a football ‘Man WAG’