What to do when your kid won’t go to school

School refusal is a big issue for many families, and the reasons for it can be much more troubling than the simple desire to stay home and play Fortnite, writes Dr Judith Locke.

Does the request ‘Can I stay home from school today?’ sound familiar?

Many children request days off school, and I wouldn’t consider it any more unusual than a child asking to have ice-cream for dinner or wanting to skip the occasional bath or shower.

But there are a couple of things I think are important considerations if your child frequently requests days at home.

Check their schedule: If they are genuinely bone-tired it might mean that they are doing too much and you may need to pull back on some of their extra-curricular activities or what you are allowing them to do on school nights.

You might also like to check their sleep and if they are sneaking technology into their room at night which impacts on their quality of sleep.

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Check what is going on at school: If your child was quite happy to go in the past, but now wants to avoid it, there might be some problems they are having in the classroom or playground. Pick the right moment to talk about how school is with them and if anything has changed.

If they clam up, you might want to schedule a brief chat with their teacher to see how they are travelling.

Dr Judith Locke says school refusal is becoming a huge issue for many families.

One yes equals more requests and problems: If you’ve ascertained that there are no reasons for them wanting to miss school, then I’d ask you to really think about the consequences of agreeing to it.

I’m not a fan of children missing school if they are capable of attending.

That’s because acquiescing can sometimes open the floodgates of your child always asking to stay at home and then getting angry when your response is different to the one time you agreed.

Clinically, I notice that school refusal has become a huge issue for many families.

When working with these parents it becomes clear that at first, they said yes to the occasional day.

When their child got to experience the thrill of feeling well but staying in bed or on the sofa all day watching TV or playing games, then going to school started to seem like the much worse option.

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The other problem created by being away from school for a few days, is that it is often harder for them to fit in with the other children when they do return. If they missed out on the lunchtime discussion, classroom activities and the in-jokes, then they will find it much more difficult to get back into the groove of peer friendship.

Kids learn that a day off from school can come with certain benefits – playing computer games among them – but truancy can create all sorts of problems for young students.

This will really impact sensitive children and their sense of belonging and might make them even more reluctant to go to school because they become convinced that others don’t like them.

This is particularly an issue for long term school refusers.

Get help: If your child is refusing to go to school and you do not have the authority to make them go, then you need some assistance.

I’d first suggest speaking to the school about the issue as they may have ideas to help you. In my experience, some schools are willing to have a discussion with your child as to what is going on for them and come up with ways to make school a little easier for them.

Involve a psychologist if this first step doesn’t work, ideally with you and your child attending sessions.

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If the psychologist diagnoses a mental health issue that is holding your child back from attending, make sure your child gets practical strategies to overcome the issue and be able to attend school again.

The schoolyard can be a daunting place for kids who struggle to fit in.

Remember the point of therapy is not to diagnose but to actually treat the issue and help your child get better.

The psychologist may also suggest ways for you to be able to manage your child’s behaviour better, so your child broadly respects you and follows your instructions.

That’s going to make everything easier for everyone.

Try to set up an environment that encourages consistent school attendance:

● Be nonchalant when they grumble about going to school.

● Don’t let them miss school days just prior to holidays, or for sports carnivals, as you don’t want them to think that school attendance is optional.

● Avoid ‘doona days’ on school days. These are often instigated when separated parents choose to spend the first day their child returns to them, at home relaxing. Preferably, reconnect outside of school hours.

Dr Locke is a clinical psychologist and former teacher, who speaks to parents and teachers at schools around Australia about child wellbeing. Her book for parents is The Bonsai Child. (www.bonsaichild.com)

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Originally published as What to do when your kid won’t go to school