The Grinch didn’t steal Christmas. Fighting over family lunch did that

As Christmas inches ever closer, so does the inevitable family drama. So what do you do if your family members can’t stand each other and refuse to celebrate together?

Each week, Victoria Hannaford answers questions put forth by the general public. Be it questions about love, work, or whether or not you should do the hula in Hawaii (you should), Victoria is here to help. So get to it, and Ask Victoria.

Dear Victoria,

This year I am hosting Christmas Day lunch but my mother is refusing to come if I also invite my sister-in-law. So now I have to choose between them — host my brother’s family (he has kids) or my elderly parents (who will otherwise spend the day alone). I’m thinking of Yule-oping (Xmas version of eloping) to Hawaii instead.

Family Feudster

Hi there Family Feudster,

Thanks for the reminder — if I hadn’t been assiduously ignoring the seasonal fare that’s been on shop shelves since September, I could have almost forgotten that Christmas is almost upon us.

There’s something about the frenetic levels of activity towards the end of the year that somehow obscures my Christmas cheer. Should we cancel it? Have I turned into the Grinch? Possibly; I am having a pretty bad hair day.

Look, I’m not suggesting Christmas be cancelled in any real sense — we should all go forth and celebrate if we are so inclined — but it’s just the family drama that would best be avoided if there are to be any tidings of comfort and joy.

Despite my family being relatively functional, even I’ve been reduced to making an escape from the intensity of Christmas Day lunch by hiding down the side of my uncle’s house while smoking cigarettes cadged from younger relatives and drinking double gins and tonic. All this so I can avoid the talent show antics that spontaneously erupt when 40-odd family members get together and hand out Secret Santa gifts.

Every year, there’s Uncle Monkey, Uncle Dog Dog — these are the more sane members of the clan — and compulsory themed dress-up costumes. One year the dress-up motif was “peace in the middle east”; an attempt by an aunt to broker a ceasefire between warring family factions by directing our thoughts to more serious conflict; in a mirror to the actual region, it had limited success.

People have pointed out that Christmas already has a theme (“it’s a Christmas theme”) but that’s what my family has come to view as normal. The thing is, many years of living interstate and overseas and an unforgiving work schedule have led me down a non-traditional path of seasonal tradition as well. Apart from sneaking in a nap of passive resistance when in the presence of family, I have also broadened my notions of how and with whom I choose to spend Christmas.

It’s an emotionally loaded time of year, so even spending the day with friends can go spectacularly off piste. I’ll never forget the year my friend — an actress — decided that Christmas was the time to brandish a carving knife on the turkey carcass, stand on a chair with drumstick aloft, launch into a Celine Dion song, and bring the scene to a close it by biting into a lemon. I think I was mute for a full two weeks after that Yuletide drama.

So yeah, I’ve had some shockers, and don’t even get me started the fact that Christmas has become a totem of consumerism.

Glad I could get that off my chest — and I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone with facing a doozy every Christmas. You’ve outlined a real Sophie’s choice, Family Feudster, and it looks like no one is going to come out a winner.

I’m reminded of some words of wisdom from Ita Buttrose, whom I interviewed a few years ago on “Christmas etiquette”. Apart from calling me Margaret when she wished me a merry Christmas, what she said made a lot of sense.

While she counselled against letting your aunt near the custard — “it can send you into a bit of a rage” — she also made the point that trying to live up to everyone’s expectations can be futile.

“There’s no point being a martyr. If you can’t get on with your family, then don’t go. You need to find another way to celebrate Christmas,” were her words, and I’d say that advice is evergreen, much like Ita herself.

So, Family Feudster, you could ditch hosting lunch and visit each family member in turn over the course of Christmas, but galloping between fractious family members doesn’t sounds like a recipe for festive cheer.

Maybe now’s the time to make peace with your true Christmas wish of a harmonious day; don a lei, pack your ukulele and head to the land of aloha. Yule-lope away!

Love, Victoria

Send your questions via email to: [e-mail]. You can also get in touch via twitter: @_ask_victoria. Victoria will be live blogging every Friday (that’s today!) from 1pm. Join her at dailytelegraph.com.au

Originally published as The Grinch didn’t steal Christmas. Fighting over family lunch did that