Arman Abrahimzadeh: My father is a murderer. From him I have learnt what not to do
I WAS raised and disciplined by a murderer and have learnt from the man who was once my role model. I have learnt what not to do, writes Arman Abrahimzadeh.
I THINK I speak on behalf of the great majority of boys that, as young men, we seek an older male role model, a father figure if you like.
Truth be told, it saddens me that the man I once looked up to and admired is now someone who invokes strong feelings of anger and even loathing.
As a seven-year-old kid, I remember getting bullied and beaten up in school so I went home crying, only to find myself copping a few slaps and kicks from my dad as he shouted “men don’t cry”.
Growing up, if I didn’t do well at school, spoke back to my parents or misbehaved in any way, it was normal to be disciplined and cop a beating.
Now that I think about all those times I was “disciplined”, I wonder why my dad never tried talking and explaining his disappointment to me rather than using a household item or his hands as weapons.
Yet among this tension and abuse in our home, there were also some surprisingly normal moments as we enjoyed the occasional family picnic or genuine laughter over a shared meal.
Thankfully too, after my mum’s death and dad’s imprisonment for her murder at the Adelaide Convention Centre in 2010, my sisters and I were fortunate to find other male role models to learn from and look up to as we coped with the aftermath of our family tragedy. I am and have been a big advocate for men’s behavioural and rehabilitation programs.
I sometimes wonder if this would have been beneficial for someone like my dad. I can’t help but question if participating in such a program would have stopped him from killing my mother or improved his relationship with his entire family. It’s a question which will never be answered.
The first time I spoke publicly about my family and what we experienced, I felt like I was exposed to judgment. I felt as if I had let my guard down and I was prone to criticism.
Regardless of gender, I have learned that opening up and expressing your emotions can make you feel vulnerable. We need men to let their guards down and be what they are supposed to be — human beings. As a society we need to encourage men to open up, speak up and express themselves.
I know in some cultures this may not be acceptable because men are seen and brought up to be almost senseless, with no emotional maturity.
I’m no expert on human behaviour, I know that we all have our unique ways of dealing with our feelings but, through my role as an advocate over the past few years, I have seen that some men don’t deal with their feelings at all.
They bury them and hope that it just goes away.
The reality is that it doesn’t, and it can sometimes lead to mental health issues and even have a tragic ending.
Suicide in Australia occurs among men at a rate three times greater than that for women.
And if we dig a little deeper, we’ll find that the suicide rate for young Aboriginal men is the highest in the world. An Aboriginal man between 25 and 29 years of age is four times more likely to commit suicide than a non-Aboriginal man in that age group.
This toxic masculine culture in this country is visible in many ethnicities.
It is killing our men and, in some cases, it is killing their female partners.
It is hurting their kids and anyone else who witnesses their violent acts.
As a man, you might justify some of your actions by a tough upbringing or not having a good role model. As much as this is unfortunate and understandable, it is not excusable.
You are not alone in the way you feel and the challenges you face.
I was raised and disciplined by a murderer and I have learnt from the man who was once my role model.
I have learnt what not to do, how not to act, not to bottle up and express my frustrations in an abusive and violent manner.
This Father’s Day, take the opportunity to analyse your own actions and your mental and emotional state. Not just for your sake but for the wellbeing of your family, friends and loved ones too.
Arman Abrahimzadeh is co-founder of Zahra Foundation Australia.
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW NEEDS HELP, CONTACT 1800 RESPECT