A message to a bullied boy from one who understands

MY heart broke when I read about the horrible bullying an autistic boy suffered, but as a fellow autistic person I have a message for him.

DEAR Quinn,

Being autistic is a beautiful thing. Like your amazing mother Carmen, I do not see autism as a disability. I see it as a gravely misunderstood gift and one that I share with you, Quinn.

Autism isn’t as much of a problem or limitation as it’s made out to be. The main reason we’re more vulnerable is because we’re trusting and sensitive and honest and we expect others to be, and they’re not.

Often, other people are not experiencing and doing things the same way we are.

We’re less interested in ‘winning’ than we are in relating. Doctors at Lancaster University recently discovered that the autistic are more susceptible to being bullied and exploited because we prioritise connection over personal gain. Most people don’t, though. And, often, they aren’t even aware that they’re choosing personal gain over creating harmony. They’re merely subscribing to the social hierarchies and expectations that they know and understand and have adapted to in order to feel safe.

They haven’t been given the tools to choose anything else. They don’t know what it means to share thoughts and feelings, honestly, without ulterior motives. They’ve grown up with violence and lies and they know no different. Yet, for whatever reason, we are different.

Autistic children are more likely to suffer bullying than neurotypical children. (Pic: Robert Pozo)

You and I, and everyone like us, have been blessed with insight and sensitivity. We live in a world beyond words and we can see and feel the lies and the violence, and I believe part of the reason we are here is to expose them.

Yet sometimes it can seem futile to try and communicate with others, and to navigate the world that they’ve created, because it simply doesn’t make sense. The feelings of helplessness and fear that can go with this are immense.

Every hour, I grapple with how to share what I perceive safely. It doesn’t get any easier, because people don’t like being called out. They turn honest dialogues into power struggles and retaliate verbally and/or physically, as you experienced. Or they simply aren’t ready to hear what we have to say, and may never be.

All we can do is build the relationships that we want to have with the people that we want to have them with. Everyone else — in particular those wielding spanners and harassing us via social media — can get stuffed.

Because the truth is no matter how many spanners may fly at us or how many words may try to hurt us, the power of who and what we are can never be taken away. It is ours for keeps, and it is sacred, and I can see it in you and in all autistic people. And, soon, the rest of the world will see it, too.

Madeleine Ryan is a freelance writer.

Originally published as A message to a bullied boy from one who understands