Top 9 things that really grind my gears: Mel Buttle

The self-checkout, store assistants in change rooms and outrageous real estate practices. Check out the top 9 things that really wind Mel Buttle up.

What grinds your gears? There’s all the obvious big picture stuff like injustice and the constant roadworks on the M1, but what about the smaller things that get up your nose?

Here’s just some of mine.

● Calling your insurance company to tell them you’ve switched providers, and they offer you a discount to stay. Well, you probably should’ve emailed that through to me for my years of loyalty and we wouldn’t be in this position now would we Sandra?

● At the self-checkout when you buy something light like Panadol or one chilli and it thinks you haven’t bagged it, and you have to get the attendant to help you. There should be a button that says, “I hereby solely swear I’m not stealing this, please let me just move on with my life”.

Note to store assistants: please don’t wait outside and ask me how it looks.

● When the store assistant waits outside the change room and insists you show her how the outfit looks on. I look like a burst sausage Madison, and now I have to show you why I’m not a true size 14 and I did attempt to tell you on the shop floor. Great.

● When the rates, rego and electricity bill come at the same time, it’s a perfect storm of financial pain. Surely those companies can have an all-in summit and work out a more palatable timeline for us?

● When real estate agents don’t put a price on a house. Come on, just give us a ballpark figure. Otherwise I get my hopes up, thinking that because the property came up within my search parameters there’s a chance I can live in a five-bedroom house with a pool and a double garage in Bellbowrie. I definitely can’t.

Why isn’t Dr Phil on?

● When the TV Guide says Dr Phil is on at 1pm but when you flick the tele on, in its place is some sporting event that’s run long. Will Dr Phil be on after said event? I’m in a holding pattern, I need answers.

● When you’ve been dog tired all day, fantasising about the moment you can return to your bed, yet as soon as it’s lights out, your brain springs into overdrive. Serving you up anxiety provoking memories, like the time your hat blew off your head during the primary school sports day running race, and you ran back to get it, instead of finishing the race. Thanks brain, I thought we were a team.

● When you choke in public and your eyes water so it looks like you’re crying, and people ask if you’re OK, so you try to answer them and it makes it all heaps worse as you try to speak through a coughing fit.

This carrot will end up covered in drool on your kitchen floor.

● When your dog stares at the carrot you’re chopping like it’s the most delicious thing they’ve ever seen. Then when you offer them their own piece of carrot, they spit it out and leave it on the floor, but continue licking their lips at the carrot you’re chopping like somehow that’s going to be different to the drool-covered piece on your kitchen floor.

Consider my gears ground.

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Originally published as Top 9 things that really grind my gears: Mel Buttle