Scott Hodges tells all about his battle with alcohol, drugs and mental illness
HE is a giant of SA football who could win grand finals off his own boot — but during his career and for years afterwards, Scott Hodges was secretly battling alcohol, drug abuse and an undiagnosed mental illness that nearly cost him his life.
- Scott Hodges book extract part 1 — Why I waited to beat up Jars
- Scott Hodges book extract part 2 — The day I wanted to end it all
HE is a giant of South Australian football who could win grand finals off his own boot — but Scott Hodges has revealed how his decades-long battle with undiagnosed mental illness almost cost him his life.
The eight-time Port Adelaide SANFL premiership player has also documented his four years of misery at the Adelaide Crows, where abuse from fans, tensions with teammates and constant injuries overlapped with his deepening depression and anxiety.
Hodges descended into anger, alcohol and drug abuse, using amphetamines regularly while still a listed AFL player with the Power in 1997 in a bid to control his demons.
When his marriage to his first wife, Julie Cahill, daughter of his former coach John Cahill, failed that same year, Hodges secretly drove to Walker Flat on the Murray where he broke into his brother-in-law Darren Cahill’s shack intending to hang himself.
It was still many years after that episode until the Magarey Medallist and SANFL record goal-kicker finally started to manage his illness.
The revelations are contained in his brutally honest autobiography, Scott Hodges: Not All Black and White, extracts from which appear in Saturday’s Advertiser and the Sunday Mail.
Hodges’ intention in writing the book was twofold: to document his career, but more importantly as a “self-help” book for other people, especially young men, who feel ashamed or overwhelmed by mental illness.
“If one kid picks up this book and recognises that they have a problem then I will regard it as a success,” Hodges told The Advertiser.
“It took me years to get on top of things and I have lost friends and teammates to depression along the way, but there is a way out.”
In a gritty and raw account of his life, Hodges documents his tough upbringing in the Housing Trust stronghold of Salisbury, to realising his childhood dream of playing for the Magpies, only to end up poached by the Crows, then quitting the club to return to Alberton.
He sheds light on some of the great untold stories of SA football, including the tensions within the early Crows squad which saw Hodges hide out after training in the West Lakes carpark with a plan to ambush and bash Andrew Jarman, after the pair clashed during a players meeting.
It was only after former Crow Darel Hart found Hodges lurking in the shadows and talked him around that Jarman was spared a hiding.
The book also reveals Hodges’ lingering anger at being benched at half time during the infamous 1993 Crows-Essendon preliminary final — but how, despite that, he enjoys an enduring friendship with inaugural Crows coach Graham Cornes.
It also scotches the widely-held view that Hodges was forced out of the team by Tony Modra, with “Mods” remaining Hodges’ best mate from his Crows days.
And it reveals full details of two of the most dramatic episodes from Hodges’ life post-football — the night he was bashed unconscious at the Ramsgate Hotel, and the night he hospitalised a patron at another Henley watering hole, the Sand Bar, after being harassed by a group of men.
Anyone experiencing a personal crisis or thinking about suicide can contact Lifeline on 131 114 or at lifeline.org.au. Support for anyone living with depression and anxiety can be found at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 or beyondblue.org.au
I’VE LOST FIVE TEAMMATES TO SUICIDE
By Andrew Capel
SCOTT Hodges has revealed his devastation at losing five Port Adelaide teammates to suicide.
He says he will never recover from their deaths and has implored people suffering from depression or mental illness to seek immediate support.
Hodges, who has admitted to trying to take his own life because he felt so down he “hated being here and was in some dark, dark places,’’ described the loss of his Magpies teammates as “tragic’’.
“I’ve lost five teammates from the Port Adelaide Football Club in my time there, including two in the past year in David Baker and Darren McKay,’’ Hodges said.
“I’ve been to four of the funerals, I had a lot of time for all of the guys and it just makes me think ‘what’s going on?’’
Hodges said the recent deaths of Baker and McKay had hit him particularly hard after what he had been through and the fact he had spent time with the pair in the lead-ups to their passings.
“Bakes killed himself halfway through my journey of writing my book (Not All Black And White),’’ he said.
“I was with Bakes down the (Seaton) pub, he wandered in alone which was not something I’d known him to previously do.
“I said ‘what are you doing here big fella’ but it was clear he’d just come down for a chat and a beer.
“He doesn’t really punt and after his second beer he just disappeared. I asked my mate if he’d seen Bakes and he hadn’t so I went and had a look for him in the toilet but couldn’t find him.
“I thought that’s bloody unusual that he didn’t say goodbye.
“Three weeks later he killed himself.
“My psychologist (Geof Boyland-Marsland), the man who helped me get my life back in order, told me he thinks he called into the pub to say his goodbyes.’’
Months later, McKay, who was the partner of Hodges’ ex-wife Julie, suffered the same fate.
“He’d been going through a tough time and when I spent time with him he looked terrible, it was scary,’’ recalled Hodges.
“I knew he wasn’t in a good way and I, along with Julie, had organised him to see my psychologist but he cancelled the session.
“Then Julie tried to get him into a mental health facility at Semaphore so he could get some help but he didn’t want a bar of it.
“Two days later I got a phone call from daughter (Charlee) screaming on the phone and I knew it was to do with Darren straight away and I just broke down.’’
Learning from his harrowing experiences, Hodges implored anyone feeling “in a bad place’’ to seek help.
“It’s just so important for people to own up and not be scared to talk about things,’’ Hodges said.
“You’re not a wimp or a girl if you speak about your problems. People say ‘drink some wet cement and harden up, toughen up’ but that’s old-school bullshit.
“There is so much pressure on people in today’s society, so if anyone has any symptoms of anxiety or depression you’ve got friends, family, people close to you who you can open up to.
“Seeing a psychologist was the best thing for me. It saved my life.’’
Anyone experiencing a personal crisis or thinking about suicide can contact Lifeline on 131 114 or at lifeline.org.au. Support for anyone living with depression and anxiety can be found at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 or beyondblue.org.au