How we’re taking the crisis out of midlife: Adelaide academics reveal the highs and lows of middle age
RESEARCH shows about 80 per cent of us will experience some form of midlife angst, lasting weeks or even years but that’s the bad news – there is some good news as well (and it doesn’t involve buying a flashy red convertible).
YOU know how the stereotype goes … bloke hits middle age, buys a flashy convertible, trades in his marriage and starts taking an unprecedented interest in his appearance.
But midlife crises these days aren’t exclusively attached to the Y chromosome, nor are they a tired cliche.
In fact, research shows about 80 per cent of us will experience some form of midlife angst, lasting weeks or even years.
But the good news is the modern midlife moment is less of a crisis and more a time of reckoning – a period of reflection and personal growth.
Or, as Associate Professor Jacques Metzer from the University of South Australia school of psychology puts it, “the transition period between the first and second part of our lives”.
So, what does midlife look like in 2018, beyond the expanding waistline and sagging face (yes, sadly, it is a real thing)?
On the upside, the good professor tells us the milestone midway point has risen from 40 years to 50, give or take five years. Still, it can feel you’ve barely had time to wrap your head around the whole notion of adulthood before midlife hits – the first age of uncertainty we face since adolescence.
“People become aware that their life is roughly half way (and) people start to contemplate their non-existence … most people find this somewhat unsettling,” Prof Metzer says.
“The previous unstable period in people’s life is the transition between childhood and adulthood, (the) midlife transition period is basically a period of review, a type of psychological review of the first part of life, with the view of needing to deal with the second part of life.”
However, increasingly it is being embraced as a time of self-reflection and a chance for people to reassess life’s priorities as they reaffirm the type of person they want to be and the life they want to live.
Nadine Pelling is a practising psychologist and senior lecturer at UniSA. She is preparing to launch a program at her southern suburbs clinic next year called Making Your Midlife Marvellous.
For Dr Pelling – she recently celebrated her 50th birthday – the years spanning 40 to 65 are a time of “reckoning” with both positive and negative aspects. “(Midlife is) a process of calculating or estimating where one is in life … it is a time of increased self-reflection (and) if you are looking at how you will move forward with acceptance and new goals, that is great but if you are reflecting on what I ‘should have/could have/would have’ done, that is going to bring you down,” Dr Pelling says.
“(Research shows us) people are consistently happier in the first and latter parts of life with a dip in happiness in the middle years (but) there are challenges and opportunities at every age … it is really more about, how are you going to drive your midlife – if you feel a bit ho-hum, what are you going to do about that?”
She says financial stress can cause an added challenge and cautions against comparing your life to others.
“In Australia we have a pretty high level of household debt and it can be difficult for people aged in their 50s and above who haven’t paid off their mortgage and who have friends heading towards retirement who seem to be doing better than they are,” Dr Pelling says.
“The trick is tailoring an action plan for happiness that matches an individual’s needs, wants and situation – and that doesn’t mean buying a red convertible.”
Adelaide lawyer-turned-life coach Laura Carrocci says many of her clients view midlife with a sense of optimism, seeing it as a chance to move on to a new stage of life.
“It is, for many, a time of significant personal growth (and) many see it as a time to embrace changes in their personal and professional life,” she says.
“This is a good thing, change is something to be embraced – none of us are the same person we were 10 years ago, we are meant to change and grow from our life experience.
“Our relationships, jobs, careers, family dynamics, bodies and dreams all change over time.
“That is not to say the challenges of divorce or a change in career don’t happen – they do – but what comes from these challenges is growth and for many an opportunity to embrace a new stage in life and a freedom that can come with that … what I see often is that it is a stage when clients let go of the fear of what others think and perceived expectations.”
It’s a sentiment echoed by Adelaide’s Jennifer Ma who, far from initially embracing turning 40, is beginning to appreciate the upside of being a little older.
“I enjoy learning from my experiences and having more to contribute as a consequence,” says the partner at KPMG Corporate Finance.
“I enjoy being more comfortable in my own skin and that my friends and family are growing in the same way.
“My life is far more complex today than it was 10 or 20 years ago, however, I’m now much clearer on who I am and what I value.
“I have a young family which didn’t exist 10 years ago – there are more priorities to juggle now which means a few invariably get left behind. The trick (and constant challenge) is to make sure the focus is on the right ones and be comfortable that not all priorities will make the cut.” The downside? “I don’t enjoy the reality of being mortal and the physical limitations that goes with it,” she admits.
For Adelaide’s James Freeman, the 43-year-old director of Sh..box Rally, the largest independent fundraiser for the Cancer Council nationally, getting older allows the freedom to be who he wants and spend time with who he wants.
“The realisation time is flying and that in the not-too-distant future I will be a 50-year-old man does surprise me a bit … (for me) it is about positioning myself so the next 40 years will be as enjoyable as they can be,” he says.
Mr Freeman, a devoted stepdad to an eight-year-old son, has a better insight into what is important than most. Losing both his mum and dad to cancer just over a decade ago was the catalyst for setting up his charity. “I’ve never suffered fools but I think when you get to the point you are in your 40s, you have a real understanding of the types of people you want to spend time with,” he says.
“I am not a spiritual person (but as you get older) you have these really philosophical conversations with dear friends … we know each other so well and there just isn’t any bulls..t – it is straight down the line, there is no one-upmanship.” He says he’s also becoming increasingly open to meeting new people and expanding his horizons.
“When you are in your 40s, you really start to expand your own mind and thought processes … you become a lot more self aware, you understand mental and physical attributes about yourself and discussing those feelings and thoughts with other people.”
And what doesn’t he like?
“I think probably the worst thing for me is that it doesn’t matter how hard I try, I can’t get that last little bit of belly fat off, it is bloody hard work … in my 20s and 30s, I’d never even have considered it,” he laughs.
To SA author and film director Taryn Brumfitt, there’s plenty to embrace about approaching middle age.
“For me, getting older has meant giving less sh..s about what people think of me and my decisions – you can take me or leave me,
“I am not for everyone and that’s OK,” says the 40-year-old mum-of-three. “I think society is age-biased and obsessed by youth (and) we would all be healthier and happier if we learned to value and appreciate every stage of our lives, even when parts of our body head south and lines on our faces appear.
“Ageing is a privilege denied to many, we should be celebrating the lines on our faces and the history that we have on the planet, no defying or fighting against it.”
Still, she’s the first to admit, her impending middle age has crept up quickly.
“It felt like only last night I was on the dance floor at (the old) Heaven nightclub … in the blink of the eye, it is 20 years later – it happens so fast,” she laughs.
Tips to live by
MOVE your body – integrate exercise into your weekly routine.
MAINTAIN a nightly sleep routine.
MINDFUL EATING – how and what for nutrition, as well as enjoyment.
MEANING – have meaningful activities to look forward to that make a difference.
MEET OTHERS – have some social/family/friendship contacts.
MODERATE most aspects of your life, like alcohol consumption.
MIND your thoughts – be realistic and positive with your self-talk.
MAINTAIN your health … physical, mental, relationship and spiritual.
Source: Dr Nadine Pelling, clinical psychologist