‘How was I going to tell them I was forced by a monster?’: Mia* tells her story of horror abuse at the hands of her children’s fathers

Mia* has almost lost her life multiple times and been left with life changing injuries at the hands of men who were meant to love her – the fathers of her children. Here she tells her story.

Mia’s* hair has always been long.

But a series of upper body injuries inflicted by the fathers of her children has left her unable to pick up a hair brush, forcing her to cut her long locks to just below her shoulders.

“I can’t do normal things anymore,” she told The Advertiser.

She can’t pick up a broom and sweep, walk long distances or sit for long periods of time.

“Some days it helps to remind myself of all the times that I should have died but I didn’t,” she said.

Mia’s injuries were caused by her partners Jack* and Tom* over two abusive relationships.

“I’m still here, I get to tell my story,” she said.

“You can’t come out of something like that and be all chippy and cherry.”

Mia’s story comes as a Royal Commission into domestic, sexual and family violence in SA offocially starts today.

Respected advocate Natasha Stott Despoja AO will lead the 12-month, $3m inquiry, which was announced after a roundtable discussion with leaders in domestic violence prevention in December last year.

Mia* experienced abuse with her partner Tom* after she gave birth to her first child.

Abuse first began for Mia, who is now in her early 30s, at the hands of her partner Tom*.

She met him just after high school when she was pregnant with her former partner Jack*.

Tom asked Mia out via Facebook and a mutual friend accepted the date on her behalf.

“I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and I also saw it as an opportunity for my daughter … to not grow up without a father like I did,” she said.

Everything about Mia and Tom’s relationship was normal until Mia gave birth to her daughter.

Following a traumatic birth Mia was writing Jack’s name under the ‘father’ tab.

“He’s like ‘you can put me down as her father or I’m going to take off with her and you’re never going to see her again’,” Mia said.

“I felt guilty for the fact that I lied on a government form which I know is illegal and he just made me do something illegal.

“I was fearful of what he could potentially do to my daughter and I didn’t want to lose my daughter, of course I did.”

Mia said all she was thinking was: “how am I going to slip a note into this and tell them (the hospital staff) that I was forced by a monster?”

Jack is the father of Mia’s daughter, not Tom, but Tom didn’t see it that way.

The point the relationship turned …

When they brought the baby home, the relationship turned. Mia wasn’t allowed to contact family or friends, she was barely allowed a phone.

“Every time I tried, the phone got broken,” she said.

“I wasn’t allowed outside of his bubble.

“It was his way or I get bashed or my daughter gets threaten.

“I was dragged around by my hair while I was pregnant with our son. I was even held at knifepoint.

“Being told I was going to be killed and he wouldn’t care that our son would die.”

“If I didn’t punish her enough, he was gonna do it . . . and he was gonna handle it 10 times worse.”

Mia got pregnant with her son after Tom told her if she didn’t stop taking contraception he would “take off with (her) daughter and he would crash the car and make sure she would die”.

She lived in fear everyday and held onto hope she would help her children.

The abuse didn’t stop with Tom hurting Mia – he also forced Mia to punish her daughter.

“If I didn’t punish her enough, he was going do it, and he was going handle it 10 times worse,” she said.

Mia said Tom would also deny her daughter medical care.

“Every time he laid a hand on her or threatened to her face that he was going to kill her, I couldn’t wait to get to her, cuddle and say sorry,” she said.

Tom forced Mia to punish her daughter and if she didn’t, he would punish her much more harshly.

Eventually Mia was able to reach her father and he was able to pick her up and get her out of the house.

She then moved to South Australia to escape Tom’s violence.

Currently Tom has custody of her daughter and son interstate which Mia has been fighting.

Mia’s former partner Jack, the biological father of her daughter, was able to help her find accommodation in South Australia and the pair began a relationship upon her return.

However it took a turn not long after it began.

He strangled her, beat her and left her for dead

On a trip to country South Australia Mia thought Jack would kill her on the side of the road.

He strangled her, beat her and left her for dead.

She waited for a passer-by to find her while wondering whether Jack was ever going to stop.

“Is he ever going to leave me alone? Is there going to be someone that’s going to believe me? Is there going be someone that’s going to be in my court? Am I ever going see my kids again?,” she said.
“I need to make it out for them.”

Mia eventually found help and the police were contacted. Jack was later arrested.

“(I felt) a weight off my shoulders, a sudden relief that someone finally listened and I could breathe a little,” she said.

But Mia said Jack then asked his work colleagues to “keep an eye out” for Mia and contact her on his behalf, a direct violation of his intervention order.

”I was fearful of what he could potentially do to my daughter and I didn’t want to lose my daughter.”

Mia is now on NDIS and the disability support pension because of her injuries.

“With all the abuse that I encountered, it’s all left me with a lot of medical issues,” she said.

“Simple tasks like picking up an empty coffee mug, brushing my hair, brushing my teeth, being able to wash my own body, get myself dressed, I can’t do.”

She also suffers with mental health challenges, including PTSD.

“I can’t even go to the shops alone because I’m so darn scared that someone is going to do something to do me and I’m not going to have anyone protect me.”

Mia said police need more knowledge and training about why people stay in abusive relationships.

“For me it was because (they) kept using my kids,” Mia said.

“All I could do in those situations was stay and kept getting abused because I had no where else to go, I had no else to turn to.

“When I was with Tom I had no contact really with the outside world.

She also explains the complexity of seeing someone you love do horrible things and holding on to the hope the abuse would stop.

“I hoped that there was a better side … a fairytale,” she said.

“It sucks … to have a big heart because you just get dragged through the mud and trampled on like a stampede and then when you start saying no, you’re still the big bad wolf.”

* Names have been changed to protect identity

Domestic violence: What victims can do

If you or someone you care about is experiencing abuse or domestic violence, help is available.

■ What if I need immediate help in a crisis?

Call triple-0 in an emergency.

SA Police can put in place an interim intervention order, which can prohibit an abuser from contacting you or coming near you.

At any time you can call the 24-hour SA Domestic Violence Crisis Line (1800 800 098) where specialist workers can help you relocate to a secure shelter, or the National Sexual Assault, Domestic and Family Violence Counselling Service on 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732).

If you have been the victim of a sexual assault Yarrow Place Rape and Sexual Assault Service (1800 817 421) offers a 24-hour response service, medical care, collection of forensic evidence and counselling.

The free Cedar Health Service also provides specialist trauma-informed care (8444 0700).

■ What can I do if I’m not in an emergency but my partner’s behaviour worries me?

You can apply to the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme to have SA Police conduct a background check on a partner or ex-partner. You can apply on behalf of someone else. Officers can only reveal offences relevant to domestic violence.

If you’re concerned about a male partner’s behaviour you could also refer them to the Don’t Become That Man counselling service (1300 243 413) or the Men’s Referral Service (1300 766 491).

■ Who can help me plan to safely leave?

The 1800 RESPECT hotline can offer wide-ranging advice. It also operates a web chat service.

Important things to ask include checking if your abuser has put you under surveillance – such as a tracking or recording app on your phone – and which documents to have ready when you decide to leave.

Visiting your GP and ensuring they document any medical impacts of abuse (physical or mental) will help.

If you can do so safely, take photos of any injuries or property damage, take screenshots of harassing or abusive text messages or social media posts, and try to send copies to friends or family as a back up.

New laws require employers to approve up to 15 days of paid domestic violence leave, which can be used to attend medical, legal or counselling appointments, and move house.

Originally published as ‘How was I going to tell them I was forced by a monster?’: Mia* tells her story of horror abuse at the hands of her children’s fathers