How Family Drug Support helped two families after their sons spiralled into drugs

Two families, two different outcomes – one tragic, the other desperately difficult. But both families survived by reaching out to help each other.

Sue used to fear one day she would arrive home to find her son dead.

The Port Augusta woman estimates Matthew began taking drugs about 15 years ago, starting with cannabis and moving on to methamphetamine.

Initially, Sue and her husband David put their son’s behaviour down to mental illness.

“He was either happy or really down – he wasn’t normal,” Sue says. “He was actually suicidal (at one point).”

She is unsure why Matthew began using drugs, but believes it may have been spurred by attempts to handle his anxiety and depression.

The family watched Matthew’s life spiral further out of control, including him losing his job, and being summonsed to court on multiple occasions because of driving and drug-related offences.

At first, he denied he was using drugs but eventually, about five years ago, admitted to David that he was taking methamphetamine.

“I think it was almost like he was crying out for help,” Sue says.

Matthew has since found support and hasn’t used for two years, but his parents still attend a monthly family support group to share their story and lend others a listening ear.

“We didn’t like going away much because we thought, we can’t leave him because he hasn’t really got anybody except us,” Sue says of some of the family’s hardest times.

“He was very depressed. I used to come home and think, I’m going to find him dead.

“It fragments the family. We didn’t want to get together because we didn’t know what he was going to be like – he was so unpredictable.”

Sue says family members felt they were “walking on eggshells” around Matthew, who had “no filter” and also became paranoid.

At times he was violent, banging his fist on the wall, and though he did not hurt others, Sue says on occasions she felt threatened.

One day she called the police because she was worried he might hit her, and at other times, she and David stayed over at Matthew’s house because they were worried about his behaviour while he was in withdrawal.

“You feel really embarrassed – we’re just normal people,” she says of the occasion when police arrived. We related drugs to feral people or uneducated people.”

The family’s first step to access help was to speak to their local GP – but they weren’t happy with the result.

The doctor handed them a page full of mental health professionals’ details and told them Matthew was unlikely to find help outside of Adelaide.

Not only that, but they were told they’d be forced to “go private” to get the right support.

But soon after that, the family connected with Drug and Alcohol Services South Australia’s Port Augusta branch, which set them all on the path to longer-term recovery.

They provided a counselling service to support the whole family and also gave Sue and David the idea of approaching Family Drug Support.

That Australia-wide organisation runs face-to-face and online support groups to help family members affected by a loved one’s drug abuse.

Sue says attending the first meeting was daunting.

“My biggest worry was, are there going to be people from Port Augusta there that are going to judge you?” she says.

“You don’t know if everybody is going to keep things in confidence.

“But Angela, who runs the group, says that what we say in the group stays in the room.”

The biggest benefit of attending, Sue says, was losing the feeling that the family was alone.

“You hear other people’s stories and think, ‘wow’. When you’re going through it you think it’s the worst thing in the world but there’s people who have it much harder.”

Two years after the couple started attending they still make the monthly trip to the meeting, as part of their own healing process and to support others.

Matthew’s determination, along with the help of a new partner, has helped him stay clean for two years.

Sue says he’s now much calmer, healthier and has put on weight, and the next step in his recovery is to find employment.

She says the turning point was Matthew’s decision that enough was enough.

“He decided he wanted help – once they decide to get help things are way different.”

*The names of Sue and her family members have been changed to protect their anonymity.

‘We lost our son to drugs, but we survived’

Ice is overtaking alcohol as the number one drug of concern among those seeking help in Family Drug Support’s regional groups, a local leader says.

It comes as the organisation prepares to expand to help more people.

Angela Tolley connected with the group while her son Paris battled drug dependence.

Now, five years after his death, she is running support groups in three areas to help other families.

The organisation offers face-to-face meetings in Lyndoch and Port Augusta and seven others in Adelaide, along with two online groups.

Angela Tolley, with her husband Neil Ward and a picture of their son Paris, who took his own life. Picture: Brenton Edwards

And after receiving a $1m funding boost from the state government over four years, the organisation is preparing to host three more groups – one on the Fleurieu Peninsula, and two extra metro groups.

“Ice use is certainly prominent and if the support group is anything to go by, I’d say it’s probably just ahead of alcohol in terms of the drug of most concern (in the regions),” Ms Tolley says.

“Alcohol tends to be taking over ice in metropolitan areas but my feeling is that ice is more of an issue for those that we’re coming into contact with up north.”

Ms Tolley’s son Paris was 28 when he took his own life in 2017 after struggling to beat alcohol and cannabis dependence.

Years before he died, she connected with the organisation in her bid to “find answers”.

“I rang every number I could for support,” she says.

Initially, Ms Tolley was regularly calling Family Drug Support’s helpline, eventually working up the courage to attend a face-to-face group.

“It became part of my routine and part of my survival kit,” she says of the experience she shared with husband Neil Ward.

“Although we lost our son, we survived that difficult time,” she says. “It was probably 15 years, but for 10 years, it was really difficult.

“You just want your kids to be happy and to thrive and achieve their hopes and dreams.

“But you see them making poor decisions in that dark place and a lot of those dreams go out the window. There’s a lot of grief that goes with that.”

Paris, who battled depression, told Ms Tolley he tried every drug besides heroin.

She says as “horrifying” as it was to lose her son, she was preparing herself in case she had to face her worst fears.

“It’s a slow-burn grief,” she says. “With drug use, they associate with people who are threatening.

“We tend to take on that more violent, dark world, and we didn’t have a lot of experience with that. That was terrifying at times.”

These days, Ms Tolley runs support groups in Port Augusta, Leabrook and Thebarton.

She says when she started the Port Augusta group, just one person came, but it’s since grown to a group of 8-10.

The increased attendance is also reflective of the SA Health-funded organisation’s overall growth.

A decade ago, it had three support groups, but in the past financial year, more than 650 people attended meetings as part of Family Drug Support’s nine groups.

“There’s so much stigma involved in drug use and often people don’t have anyone to confide in,” Ms Tolley said.

“But this is a safe and confidential place where there’s no judgment.

“You can see a visible relief of that burden that they’ve carried. I keep going because it’s rewarding for me as well.”

For more information, visit www.fds.org.au. Call the 24/7 support line on 1300 368 186.