‘Do we have the same boyfriend?’: The wild all-girls Facebook group ‘exposing’ Adelaide men

A new Facebook group is claiming to expose serial daters and cheating boyfriends. But is it ethical – or legal – to name and shame on social media, asks Emily Olle?

The 'Do we have the same boyfriend' Facebook group aims to 'expose' Adelaide men.

Do you know my boyfriend? In friendly social circles, it would be considered a polite question.

But in the wild west of social media, it’s Gen Z’s attempt at reclaiming their dating power – with potentially dangerous consequences.

“Do we have the same boyfriend – Adelaide edition” is a Facebook group with more than 7000 members, where women post photos of current or prospective love interests and ask the masses for the low-down.

The group is one of hundreds of similar communities in Australia and worldwide. They began with a simple premise – concerned partners would ask if their significant other was cheating.

But they have now evolved into a bait-and-rate system, as women ask if the men in question have “any red flags”, are “talking to anyone else” or just for “the tea”.

While the ‘group rules’ specifically demand “NO defamation” and for “photos to be posted anonymously”, the comment sections are, in a shocking twist, highly defamatory and definitely not anonymous.

Commonly, women ask for the "tea" (gossip, to the uninitiated) on the men they're posting. Picture: Facebook

Women share photos of prospective love interests and ask the masses for their thoughts. Picture: Facebook

Scathing reviews of the men in question range from “not a great bloke, talks to other girls” to allegations of cheating, abuse and sexual assault that would have any media outlet hauled before the Supreme Court quicker than you could say, “Do you know this guy?”.

It would be easy, particularly as men, to feel rage at these comments – fairly so. The group opens the floodgates for allegations, with no right of reply from those being pictured.

While the method is incredibly flawed, legally fraught and arguably unethical, it’s important to understand why these young women would feel so desperate to uncover their future fling’s deepest secrets.

It’s easy to slam the claims made in the comments as insidious gossip. I’m sure many of the men named in the group would do so.

But in 2019, a psychological study suggested that what we know as “gossip” – particularly within minorities and women – helped keep many of our ancestors alive. ‘Gossip’ helps oppressed groups understand who to trust and how to navigate the world.

The group is filled with damning allegations of cheating and, in some instances, abuse. Picture: Facebook

How many secrets do you know about friends’ illegitimate affairs that are whispered only among dinner parties? Or allegations of assault that never made it to police, because our legal system is so difficult to navigate that it often fails its victims?

This is those dinner party discussions for the modern era. The difference is sheer scale.

Recently, I read an apt analogy for how women feel in the dating world. Imagine a TV show called ‘Not All Snakes’.

When a woman says she’s concerned about men’s behaviour, any man who objects by saying, “Not all men”, gets thrown into a snake pit.

The pit contains hundreds of snakes. Only two of them are venomous. If given the chance to ask their mates if they knew which ones the venomous ones were, reckon they’d take up the opportunity?

I ask the blokes reading this – if you’ve been on a first date, what did you do to prepare? Pick out a nice shirt? Maybe chuck on some cologne?

For most women, a first date comes more as a risk assessment. Particularly if you’ve met online.

Do you know anything about him? Let’s meet in a public place. Make sure you tell your friends where you’re going. I might have a drink or two but not too many. “Text me when you’re home safe”.

Former lovers share their thoughts in the comments sections of the photos. Picture: Facebook

Not all of the responses are scathing – some offer glowing reviews of the men being posted. Picture: Facebook

It’s rolled out regularly in these kinds of debates, but this Margaret Atwood quote remains particularly poignant when it comes to the dating world: “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”

Of course, some of the comments could be disgruntled exes or beleaguered rejections. Some of them are childish wars of words or, “OMG ew he snapped (‘sent Snapchats to’, for those playing along at home) my friend too”.

There is also a version of the group for men, called “Do we have the same girlfriend - Adelaide”, with 1700 members. Unlike the women’s edition, the men’s bio is significantly more crude.

“Don’t pay child support for a kid that you didn’t even make. Find out if you have a tunnel buddy,” it reads. The men’s group appears to be more about rating women than actually seeking advice or fearing red flags, but some of the content is similar.

I’m not here to defend either “community”. Hurling hate onto anyone in a Facebook group isn’t the answer. Posting defamatory comments certainly isn’t.

It’s also not all bad – some photos are met with glowing reviews from friends and former lovers.

But the sooner men understand why women feel the need to check whether their potential partner is actually, genuinely a nice guy, the sooner women won’t feel like they need to do it.

However, a word of warning to the participants of the group – defamation is tough to defend. Maybe keep your “tea” to dinner parties, or the DMs.