Demands for NCIS actor Mark Harmon to return among stupidest complaints to SA’s Consumer and Business Services in 2023

Believe it or not, staff at the state’s consumer watchdog had to handle multiple demands for actor Mark Harmon to return to NCIS this year – but you’ll love their response.

Investigating South Australia’s most befuddling and downright stupidest consumer complaints must take the patience of a saint – and maybe sometimes even the skills of a special agent.

Just don’t mention Agent Leroy Gibbs.

Believe it or not, state watchdog Consumer and Business Services received multiple complaints this year about the departure of Leroy Jethro Gibbs, played by Mark Harmon for two decades, from TV’s NCIS.

They demanded his return, threatening they would “quit watching” if he didn’t.

The cheeky watchdog folk decided, on balance and no doubt after much deliberation, not to take any action, on the basis that “we kind of prefer Agent Parker” anyway.

Honestly, Agent Gibbs (right) would have had these frivolous complaints sorted in no time – probably by just slamming down the phone. Picture: Supplied

Just like the fearless and dashingly handsome Agent Gibbs on some occasions, CBS officers reluctantly had to pass on cases they were desperate to get their investigative hooks into, but which sadly fell outside their jurisdiction.

These included a complaint about an advertisement for a vegetable costume that, “when used as an emoji, has X-rated connotations”, and one about an alcohol interlock that required a breath sample every three minutes, making country driving very stop-start.

The idea that vegetables can be in any way suggestive is just so ... oh, I see. Picture: iStock

Officers couldn’t crack the case – and honestly why should they, it’s so stupid – of a Microsoft Outlook user locked out of their account because they couldn’t remember their own postcode to help verify their identity.

Presumably struggling to keep a straight face, or maybe their cool, a CBS staffer advised to contact Microsoft direct and, as the account was free, no action could be taken anyway.

What’s the bet the complainant was still using this version of Outlook from 1997?

Among other cases unworthy of anybody’s time or effort, a consumer paid for a car wash but when it didn’t work, called that business’s own complaint line and initially got put through to an aged care home.

They complained to the government watchdog despite already receiving a refund.

A spat between mates over the purchase of a car and a report about potholes at a local shopping centre were other burning issues that complainants thought a state government agency really needed to know about.

Consumer and Business Affairs Minster Andrea Michaels said advice and conciliation staff at CBS were “a tremendously dedicated group of people who will always do their best to assist callers”, even when issues are squarely outside the agency’s remit.

Now we know what they have to put up with, let’s hope Minister Andrea Michaels gives the call-takers at CBS a Christmas bonus. Lord knows they deserve it. Picture: NCA NewsWire / Morgan Sette

“We may not be able to convince Mark Harmon to return to NCIS but we can provide advice including advising of a more appropriate agency to handle the complaint,” she said.

“And, in those cases where CBS is the best avenue, staff are always ready to assist and begin the complaint process.”

The CBS helpline is 131 882, or visit cbs.sa.gov.au/contact-us