Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now

A man has been concealing significant debt from his partner and is now worried about her reaction when she discovers that purchasing a house together is no longer possible.

Melissa Ferrari has helped countless couples resolve issues in their relationships. Picture: iStock.

A man has been concealing significant debt from his partner and is now worried about her reaction when she discovers that purchasing a house together is no longer possible. Relationship expert Melissa Ferrari weighs in on the situation.

Scroll down to send in your questions.

HOW DO I TELL HER?

Communication is the key to a solid relationship.

Dear Melissa

I’ve been hiding a lot of debt from my partner for a while now because of bad financial decisions and some gambling. She thinks we’re fine financially, and I’ve been using credit to keep up that appearance. She’s now been talking about buying a house together, and it’s making me super anxious. I’m really scared of what will happen if she finds out, but I know I can’t keep hiding it, what should I do?

Melissa’s response

The issue of gambling impacting relationships is a growing one among couples I am seeing in my practice – with its impact similar to the betrayal people feel when someone cheats – creating PTSD like symptoms in the partner who feels betrayed.

What is often misunderstood when we talk of betrayal in a relationship is a focus on the act that caused the betrayal, when where the trauma sits is in the deceit that with being betrayed – how someone who we thought was the one person who would always have our back, is the person who has hurt us the most.

This can leave a long lasting trauma, where the betrayed reorganises their memories of the entire relationship, making it extremely difficult to overcome.

It is why the most important decision you can make is to be truthful with your partner, to tell her everything that has happened. As if you continue to hide it from her until she eventually discovers what has happened, the outcome for your relationship will be far worse.

For relationships to be successful, both must feel safe and secure within the relationship, when one partner hides something from the other it erodes trust, and our feelings of safety and security disappear.

As difficult as it can be to have these types of conversations when we are completely at fault, what you need to do is to be strong and have an open and honest conversation around the trouble you find yourself – how you have found yourself there and the help you need to get yourself out.

In that conversation you must take complete ownership for the decisions you have made; show an understanding of the damage you have caused the relationship and have genuine remorse and a will to change.

How your partner reacts will depend on how truly remorseful you are and the steps you are willing to take to make things right with your partner.

Are you willing to give up gambling?

Are you willing to get the help you will need to do so?

Are you willing to have complete transparency with her on how you spend money?

Like all addictions, gambling can be a very tough habit to kick, as any smoker, alcoholic or recovering drug addict will tell you – you are always one slip from finding yourself in the same dark space.

So do not try and give up gambling alone, seek professional help and commit yourself to changing – we can overcome addiction, but that is best done with a strong support network around us.

DID I RUIN OUR FUTURE?

Being honest with your partner is essential to a healthy relationship.

Dear Melissa

I’m in my early 20s, and I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few months. But I kinda messed up. Went out, had a few drinks, and ended up with someone else. Now I’m like freaking out. Do I tell her, or just hope it never comes up?

Melissa’s response

This is a tough one – as you are young and it is so early in your relationship, which as we are determining whether someone is the ‘one’ for us, can be a time when we find ourselves with someone else – this happens more often than most people think.

The decision you need to make on whether to tell your girlfriend is around answering first ‘how serious the relationship is?’

If you are unsure that she is the ‘one’ and it is likely for the two of you to not be together in the longer term, then the potential trauma of such a conversation is probably not something that will be healthy for the both of you.

There is also the guilt that you are feeling and the anxiety that you have that she may find out from someone else – such feelings can become overwhelming to the point that you will either need to end the relationship or tell her the truth.

So, if you are unsure of whether you want to commit into the relationship, then it may be best that you instead end it, without causing major pain to the both of you.

If she is someone that you do want a long-term relationship with, then you need to consider being open and honest about what has happened.

One of the most important foundations of being a strong couple is trust and a belief that you will have each other’s back, supporting each other no matter what, and that foundation can only be built with always being open and honest with each other.

While having such a conversation may create a risk to your relationship now, through being honest, truly remorseful and accepting full responsibility for the harm that you have caused – then your relationship has a chance of not only surviving but over time being stronger for the experience.

These are tough conversations and once had, you may both benefit from the support of a qualified relationship counsellor who can help both of to navigate the rocky path ahead.

Melissa Ferrari. Picture: Kirsten Flavell

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.

Originally published as Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now