Tory Shepherd: There are positive signs some Australians are growing up a bit, and talking about sex like adults

Yes, discussing sex can be awkward but squeam­ishness, prudishness and shyness about it has to end so we get clearer laws on consent, writes Tory Shepherd.

In an old episode of The Goodies, the British comedy trio is asked to make a film about sex. Without mentioning sex.

“In order to understand how the man and woman will make a baby, we need to know more about the erogenous zones, or what you and I would call ‘the rude bits’,” Graeme says, in this satirical take on the squeamishness of the times.

That was 50 years ago. Thirty years ago, Salt-N-Pepa urged everyone to talk about sex, in a dig at American prudishness and a plug for safe sex. (Let’s talk about sex for now/to the people at home or in the crowd/It keeps coming up anyhow.) And it was 2021 when we saw a multimillion-dollar ad campaign that used tacos, sharks and milkshakes as bizarre metaphors for sex and sexual assault in a federal government campaign about, well, “the rude bits”.

But there are positive signs that some Australians are growing up a bit and talking about sex like adults.

Much of that has been through the hard work of women such as Australian of the Year Grace Tame, a sexual-assault survivor.

And of Brittany Higgins, who has been fighting for change after allegedly being raped in Parliament House.

And of many others from the #MeToo movement who have been brave enough to speak out.

Then there’s the NSW government, which this week revealed its proposed consent laws. Those laws will make it clear that if a person is to have sex with another, they have to actively ensure the other person wants it.

“The clearest example would be to say ‘Would you like to make love?’,” Attorney-General Mark Speakman said.

The other party may respond in words or actions, such as beckoning the other person towards them.

“No one should assume someone is saying ‘yes’ just because they don’t say ‘no’ or don’t resist physically,” Mr Speakman said.

As Swinburne University of Technology law lecturer Rachael Burgin writes, it shifts the standard from “no means no” to “yes means yes”. “Affirmative consent means that consent is actively sought and actively communicated,” she writes in The Conversation.

The changes were sparked by Saxon Mullins, who was hauled through the courts system only to get no outcome. A guilty verdict for Luke Lazarus, who was accused of raping her, was later overturned after the judge found he had a “genuine belief” that she had consented.

On Tuesday, Mullins – who is now the advocacy director at Rape & Sexual Assault Research and Advocacy, where Burgin is a director – wrote about her case being dismissed: “I didn’t consent, the court acknowledged that I wasn’t consenting, and yet somehow that wasn’t enough.”

And now, four years later, the laws are set to change.

Consent laws are different in all the states and territories. South Australia’s law refers to a “free and voluntary agreement” that must be in place.

Attorney-General Vickie Chapman has written to police and the Director of Public Prosecutions for feedback on issues with the laws, and for their take on the proposed NSW legislation.

In NSW, there are also proposed changes for directions judges can give to juries in trials. They’ll include stopping them from assuming that what a person is wearing, or whether they’re drunk or high, indicates consent.

Judges will be able to tell jurors that sexual offences are not always violent, that they can occur between people who know each other, and that they can’t judge someone on their response to an assault.

Talking about sex can be awkward. It’s awkward for teachers to talk to students (especially if they don’t even like tacos). It’s awkward for parents to talk to kids (even though kids probably know more than they would ever imagine).

And navigating sexual boundaries with a partner can be really awkward for many. But surely the first time is the hardest, and it gets easier from there.

It has to, because any squeam­ishness, prudishness, or shyness about it has to end to achieve safe, healthy, respectful relationships. And to reduce the chances of anyone being able to say “She was asking for it”, or “I thought she was into it”.

The consent conversation is getting a much-needed reset. And we need to keep talking about it. In the words of Salt-N-Pepa: “Don’t decoy, avoid, or make void the topic – coz that ain’t gonna stop it”.