Robe is an unspoiled holiday hot spot for the spoiled – and it’s way better than Byron Bay | Peter Goers

South Australia’s “Burnside-on-Sea” is beaut but there’s one humble reason it will never be a luxury retreat for the Hollywood set, writes Peter Goers. Have your say.

• Locals tell why Robe has Byron Bay beat

Robe in the South-East of SA will never become the next Byron Bay.

Strangely enough, and mercifully, there aren’t enough pretentious people in SA to make that happen. Thank goodness.

Robe is a fascinating place with heritage buildings, a dramatic coastline and posh ladies in pashminas. As soon as a town has twee homeware and gift shops selling $350 Le Creuset French cast iron frying pans it becomes up itself.

Penola has gone this way, too. Rich people have long favoured Robe for their holiday homes.

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It has good shopping, good swimming and big swells. It also has an unstable coastline and the emblematic clifftop, red-striped, white obelisk is in danger of falling into the sea in the years to come.

I’ve merrily sent up Robe (Burnside-On-Sea) for years but it’s a beaut place. It’s unspoilt for spoiled people. It’s close to the more rugged Beachport, close to Millicent (famous for its drains and toilet paper) and not too far from SA’s best town – Naracoorte. Best of all, Robe is only 39km from the Woakwine Cutting, said to be Australia’s greatest one-man engineering feat and the very best thing to see in the South-East.

Hollywood superstar and Byron Bay local Chris Hemsworth with Tommy Kerr at The Pass in Byron Bay. Picture: @tommykerr17

Robe’ famous, but imperilled, obelisk. Picture: Getty Images

The two places in the world I dislike the most are Paris and Byron Bay. I have five words for both: “Get me out of here”.

Both places are insanely expensive and overrated. Byron Bay is up itself and you have to queue in your car to even get into the town, and then it’s not worth it.

The surf is dumpy. The median house price in Byron Bay is around $2.4m. The average house price in Robe is $553,745. So, you can buy four houses in Robe and pocket nearly $200,000 in cash compared with just one house in Byron Bay.

Robe gets more popular. Byron Bay gets more celebrities and more exclusive.

Noosa has glorious beaches but you are shunned there unless you are swathed in linen … and your facelift stops you from smiling or closing your eyes.

As long as any member of the famous Hemsworth family does not move to Robe it will never be Byron Bay.

An Adelaide tram carrying a warning from the Cancer Council about the dangers of alcohol. Picture: Jess Adamson

Booze is worse than tobacco

Australia has the most expensive and most highly regulated tobacco in the world.

Nearly three-quarters of the price is tax and the price rises by 12 per cent per year. One day, a packet of 20 cigarettes will be $100. Packets are almost entirely covered in health warnings and tobacco must be hidden from sale.

The harm of alcohol is vast compared with tobacco and causes significant social problems and crime.

Has anyone ever smoked a cigarette and drove their car into a Stobie pole or became domestically or publicly violent?

Alcohol is toxic. Alcohol is a drug. Alcohol is heavily addictive. Alcohol is carcinogenic. There is an insignificant warning on bottles of booze against drinking while pregnant but no other health warnings.

To avoid the shocking health dangers and collateral dangers to society caused by alcohol let’s follow the lead of tobacco warnings and constraints which have lowered the use of tobacco. Every bottle, can and cask must be olive in colour and covered in health warnings including pictures of dying people and victims of alcohol-induced violence and death.

Let’s have pictures of wives and children beaten by drunks and fatal car crashes.

Alcohol should only be sold hidden from view in cupboards.

It must be much more heavily taxed. Then people will understand the health risks and alcohol consumption will be constrained.

It’s a legal product, just like tobacco. The latter is so heavily regulated and smokers are eternally punished. Hypocritically, drinkers are celebrated.

Why should drinkers not be warned and punished? It’s time that drinkers realise the true cost of their hangovers.

How to beat plastic? More plastic

Tired of stabbing yourself trying to liberate something from intractable plastic packaging?

Do you get wrap rage?

The answer, incredibly, is to procure trauma shears.

They will, of course, come wrapped in plastic and be impossible to get to. Plastic is taking over the world.

It’s just something else we have to get through. Literally.

Hot/not/vale

HOT

Hugh Grant falls asleep at the tennis – lucky bastard.

Judy Lewis retires after 31 years as the post mistress at Whyte Yarcowie. Well done.

Kimberly Akimbo – hit musical at Her Majesty’s Theatre.

NOT

I’m still waiting for my refund from Jetstar from Feb 3.

The ramping crisis.

Violence in hospitals.

VALE

Elizabeth Silsbury – critic, academic, musician, friend.