Peter Goers: They’ll be handy for wakes, assisted dying conferences and ideal for 100th birthday parties

Australia is a world-leader in cemetery commercialisation, writes Peter Goers, after road-testing an Adelaide cafe to die for.

When I went to lunch at the new cafe at Centennial Park, I had grave doubts. Was the cafe near the crematoria? What if the wind changed? What if the cafe only had burnt offerings?

One needn’t have worried. It’s all very nice.

Apparently Australia leads the world in cemetery commercialisation. Springvale in Melbourne is a contemporary cemetery (whatever that means) with cafe, picnic spots and jazz on Sundays.

Other states also have cemetery cafes and now Centennial Park – that city of other dead in beautiful downtown Pasadena – has opened a cafe, function centre and gift shop.

It’s a bland sandstone (blandstone) building with nice toilets. Is Karl Meyer, Centennial Park’s resident sculptor? His sculpture of giant white hands is on the front lawn on Centennial Park and his new sculpture is a jumbo aerial steel fish trap sitting on a Guy Mitchell blue rubberised bowl, which was full of dead leaves. Fortunately it didn’t put me off my lunch.

I really like Karl Meyer’s work but not his Centennial Park sculptures. Other art lovers may disagree.

The cafe is congenial and very nice. It faces away from the main Jubilee Centre (with the chapels) and faces southeast towards some niche walls of dead people and sylvan gardens of grand trees, dying roses and lawns badly in need of mowing.

Centennial Park Cemetery, Goodwood Road, Pasadena.

Wildflowers Cafe is airy and bright, and on a beautiful autumn day there was an eddy of a soft gully breeze from the nearby hills stirring the froth in your coffee. The cafe staff are perfectly nice and obliging. I enjoyed a large sausage roll and a bagel with lox and cream cheese. Sadly, the bagel was stale but the filling was tasty and the living was easy.

There are three function rooms. They’ll be handy for wakes, assisted dying conferences and ideal for 100th birthday parties – you’re so close to the funeral chapels. It’s one last stop. There’s also a very nice gift shop so you can shop before you drop.

What do you buy at a cemetery gift shop? Is it ash and carry? I’m looking for a nice reliquary and a good sturdy ossuary but they’re not stocked. Neither are other funeral requisites such as plastic flowers, tissues and shovels.

Thank goodness you can buy olive oil, balsamic vinegar, herbs, soap and you can order candles with a personalised photo of your loved one. What a relief. So often I’ve attended funerals at Centennial Park and really felt the need to buy balsamic vinegar. Now we all can. Incredibly, you can buy a book about waste management.

Centennial Park hosts 500,000 visitors a year for sad reasons and most of them would rather not be there. Some never leave. Some folk go for walks, therein so do their dogs. Centennial Park is not a cemetery you can promenade through like great historic cemeteries the world over. But at least you can now get a stiff drink at the licensed cafe.

Centennial Park has an infinite future of money. You never stop paying to be dead there. The more altruistic Adelaide Cemeteries Authority will also open a cafe at its Enfield Cemetery. Respect is key for cemeteries. That’s a grave responsibility among the cash for ash.

Peter Goers can be heard weeknights and Sundays on ABC Radio Adelaide.