Peter Goers: The Crows seem to be wandering around looking for a home like a lost tribe of Israel

Perhaps they could move to The Bend. It’s closer to Melbourne where most of their decisions are made, writes Peter Goers.

Taylor Walker at Crows training at West Lakes last month. Picture: Brenton Edwards

One feels so sorry for the poor old Crows. Marquee players can’t wait to leave the club, their most famous and best player Andrew McLeod despairs of his old club, they’ve barely won a game for years, their membership is the oldest in the league, they’re still reeling from that soul-destroying training camp on the Gold Coast and this season looks hopeless.

But it’s not all good news for Adelaide Football Club — the mighty Camry Crows, the Pride of South Australia. Nobody wants them. Nobody wants a Crows headquarters. They tried all kinds of covert and overt deals to develop Adelaide’s parklands, which are held in sacred trust for the people of SA. They wanted a huge office building and a temporary nightclub to replace the “shed” of blessed memory at West Lakes, apparently the home of post-game revelry.

Adelaide City Council is rarely known for sensible decisions but it has sensibly banned the Crows from developing the parklands, even though it will probably allow Prince Alfred College Old Collegians to develop the parklands and build a function centre at the oval they use. Perhaps the Crows could share that lavish facility?

The Crows seem to be wandering around looking for a home like a lost tribe of Israel. Here’s a few suggestions. They could take over Burnside Swimming Centre at Hazelwood Park. It’s perfect. Burnside is the Crows’ spiritual home and there’s plenty of room in that useless park for a multistorey office building and nightclub. Lots of old gum trees would have to go but they’re probably dangerous anyway.

The Belair Golf Club might be more accommodating. Picture: Tom Huntley

The old Belair Golf Club could use the Crows or they could move to the Paris end of Kilburn or to that lovely new suburb near Buckland Park in a flood zone. The Crows know all about flooding. The Crows could go around The Bend at Tailem Bend. That’s closer to Melbourne where most of their decisions are made and where most of their great players now play.

The Crows didn’t want anything to do with redevelopment of Adelaide Oval (oops). Glorious Port Adelaide Football Club stole the march there and will always hold the record for the biggest game-day crowd.

The Crows were deliriously happy down at West Lakes but now they’re jealous of the success and popularity of Power at Adelaide Oval and its hallowed home at Alberton.

A man’s got to have a shed and so do the Crows. The Adelaide Club on North Terrace is ideal. Wives of Adelaide Club members can run up apricot slices and Adelaide Club members can roll their sleeves up and serve chardonnay at the bar.

St Peter’s Cathedral isn’t much used these days. That could be the Crows’ shed. Or the Crows could build an administration and function centre at the Oval’s northern end and get rid of that crummy old scoreboard and those messy Moreton Bay trees.

Hobart and Darwin need an AFL team and so does Los Angeles. Crows chairman John Olsen is big in LA, having been the Australian consul-general there. His famous “Gidday Australia” campaign could be “Gidday Crows”.

Here’s an idea. The Crows could stay at West Lakes in their purpose-built home and the federal government, which has promised the Crows $15m to move, could spend that money on the actual poor, not just the poor in spirit. The Crows have a lease on what’s now Not-Football Park until 2048, by which time they may just have won another flag.

Peter Goers can be heard weeknights and Sundays on ABC Radio Adelaide