Peter Goers: My stress leave and battling The Black Dog

Much loved columnist and commentator Peter Goers opens up on taking stress leave from the ABC and his first real experience with depression.

I can’t wait to get back to work. Doing nothing is exhausting. And there’s nothing as tiring as a holiday. I’ve been horbgorbling. That’s sounds as if I’ve been up to no good with hobbits and trolls under bridges but it’s an archaic Scottish term for roaming without intent. Sort of swanning around.

Actually, I haven’t been horbgorbling much, I just wanted to use the word and it’s yours now with which to impress your friends. If you don’t have any friends you need to get out and horbgorble more.

Seriously folks, I’ve done nothing for six weeks except write this column, read lots of books and watched streamed TV. I haven’t been on holidays. Six weeks ago I took stress leave from my job at the ABC – perhaps it was exhaustion after 19 years of working nights. I was not coping. I was not my usual unhappy (OK) self. I was even grumpier. Perhaps it’s a mid-life crisis now that I’m in late early middle-age.

Peter Goers at Her Majesty's Theatre. Picture: Brenton Edwards

Happily, I’ve never suffered stress before. I don’t get stressed. I give stress. My way of coping with stress is to keep going, work through it, deal with it. Stress, like nerves in performance, means you care. But there came an awful, debilitating moment when I couldn’t keep going. I was defeated by stress.

I had no choice but to go on stress leave. I couldn’t think properly. I did not feel like myself anymore. It’s unusual for me to take time off work, other than annual leave. I’d missed only eight radio shows in 19 years through illness – mainly the dreaded kidney stones. I pride myself on being nothing but a super duper trouper. The show must go on but suddenly, I couldn’t.

Thankfully, I’ve never suffered from depression – if that’s what it is. I’m finding it hard to find joy or to feel comfortable with people. I feel crushed by crowds. I feel as if I’m underwater. I feel that I’m here and not here, there and not there. I feel other than myself. I’m struggling to engage. I feel out of things.

That was the easy bit. Then I had an anxiety or panic attack. It was in the interval of a play a month ago. I’d spoken to a friend in the foyer and returned to my seat and suddenly for no reason I was shaking, sweating, nauseous and felt as if people were closing in on me. I was struggling to breathe. It was a unique and devastating experience. I left the theatre, exit stage left, pursued by a black dog.

Peter Goers says his way of coping with stress is to keep working. Picture: Supplied

This has thrown me. The fear of this happening again is of great concern but, mercifully, it hasn’t. Yet.

Because I’ve never experienced depression before I’ve never understood it and, worse, I’ve been suspicious and derisive of those who have. I’ve now apologised to a dear friend who has been a long term depressive for my lack of understanding and one good thing from this horrible time is that my compassion for and understanding of those with mental heath issues has increased. I get it, now. One in five Australians suffered a mental health issue last year. I’m just one of them.

The worst thing is the sense of worthlessness, numbness and feeling isolated. You can’t seem to connect. You feel weak and you feel less than yourself. But this too shall pass. Strength can only build from weakness and honesty and resilience returns. I’ll cope. There’s a huge pharmacopoeia to help and people are understanding. At least I’m physically rested but that might be part of the problem. Ennui. Rest is overrated. Work is more fun than fun and bring it on. I can’t wait to be back on air on January 16, anew.

What have I learned? We’re all vulnerable to pressure, stress and mental health issues. We are not alone. We need to talk about it and we are.

I’m a bloke who finds it very difficult to relax and I need to find ways to do that. Work relaxes me, attempting to entertain people relaxes me. Meanwhile the black dog is not man’s best friend and I’m sending him off to horbgorble without me.

Peter Goers will be heard on ABC Radio again on weeknights and Sundays.