Peter Goers: Lucky Poms get a roasting, which would be better than freezing here

Global warming has done few favours but at least it’s warmed the Poms up a bit. Half their luck, writes Peter Goers, who is struggling with the cold winter.

This article is unlocked for everyone to read. Get full digital access to trusted news from The Advertiser and Messenger with our great introductory offer.

Oh, to be in England now that global warming’s here. I’ve never been to England. When we’re a republic, I’ll go. As we suffer what seems to be the coldest winter in living memory we look at the English heatwave with envy. Lucky ducks.

Climate is widdershins. We’ve had very mild summers in recent years and now this freezing bloody cold winter. Brrrrr….As I write it’s 7C in Adelaide with an expected maximum of 14C which is warmer than yesterday. Minima are much lower in the donga.

Perhaps you prefer cold weather to heat. I don’t. It can’t be too hot for me.

Poor blighters cool off in Leeds on July 19. Temperatures exceeded 40C in parts of England after the Met Office issued its first red extreme heat warning. Record-breaking temperatures were reached across the UK. Picture: Christopher Furlong/Getty Images

How do you keep warm and how do you heat your Gloria Soame? Ducted, gas, electric radiator, fan heater, hot water bottle, wheat bags or kerosene heater? All heating is more expensive than it once was and a kero heater requires good ventilation to avoid toxic fumes and leave us not forget poor old Butterfly McQueen who played the immortal Prissy in Gone With The Wind and who “knew nothin’ ‘bout birthing’ babies”. Tragically, she burned to death trying to light a hero heater. That’ll put you off….

Wood fires are lovely and cheering but they can be environmentally suspect and asthmatics complain about them. Wood fires are messy to clean up and very expensive to run. Firewood is more than $500 a tonne. Yikes!

I have many faults but I hope meanness isn’t among them, but I’m neurotically mean about electricity. I once had a house guest who managed to turn every light in the house on. I’d come home and the house looked like the Queen Mary at sea. I only turn my ducted heating on if I have visitors, although I’m tempted not to. The moment they leave, off it goes.

There are two kinds of people in the world – those who love an electric blanket and those who don’t. I love mine. People can also be divided into those who use a sheet between them and the quilt cover and those who don’t. I don’t. The quilt cover is a sheet and I don’t need to wake up wrapped in a sheet like an Egyptian mummy. Nor do I like flannelette sheets; it’s like sleeping in velcro. Similarly, decorator cushions on the bed, which have to be piled on the bedroom floor for you to trip over when you need to get up to micturate in the middle of the night, must go.

Electric throw rugs are the answer to heating needs. They’re cheap to buy and run but be careful not to trip over them or the cord. Wear lots of clothes. I’m writing this under my throw rug and wearing three layers of inactive wear.

The electricity market is a complete con. Costs have risen just when we need more electricity. They never seem to rise in autumn and spring. Bring back ETSA. Capitalism does not keep you warm. All privatisations promise cheaper and better and never deliver. We’re all paying more for power this winter which is so hard for folk on limited incomes and this winter is devastating for the homeless. Can you imagine sleeping rough in this cold weather? Please support the Advertiser/Sunday Mail Blanket Appeal and donate any spare blankets to charities.

It costs much less to heat and cool apartments because of low ceilings. It costs a fortune to heat and cool useless voids created by high ceilings. Avoid the void.

Like everyone, I’m dreading my next power bill. As I open the envelope at the letterbox, there’ll be a drum roll.

Fortunately, the heating and cooling in my heritage listed Volvo works although the fan is broken and very noisy. I tell passengers they can chose between heat and conversation and they all chose comfort over conversation.

In Absolutely Fabulous, Pasty and Edina are accused of burning all their books and they reply, “We were cold!!!” There’s an idea as there are a lot of terrible books and so much cold. No, I’m joking. Keep warm. Go to bed with the leccy blanket on and lie back and think of England.

Peter Goers can be heard weeknights and Sundays on ABC Radio Adelaide.

You can donate to The Advertiser and Sunday Mail Blanket Appeal here