Peter Goers: Let’s have more open-slather development. It’s so good for our state

Every time I visit the Barossa, I think what this place needs is twelve storey rampant slug. I’m sure you’ve often thought the same, writes Peter Goers.

All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small, all things wise and wonderful, the Lord God made them all. Even slugs.

You might think that the best place for a slug is underfoot but, strangely enough, slugs have been on my mind – rather than in my garden – lately.

Slugs need some love and I’m entranced by brilliant SA sculptor Silvio Apponyi’s red triangle slugs at Art Images Gallery at Norwood. The red triangle slug – a slug bearing a red triangle – is new to me and is native to the eastern states. It’s beautiful and unusual as slugs go and it can grow up to 15cm and live happily on bathroom mould. That maybe another reason to avoid the eastern states.

Every time I visit the historic Barossa Valley (whence my forebears came), I think what this place needs is a twelve storey, six-star glass hotel and day spa that looks like a giant rampant slug. I’m sure you’ve often thought the same thing.

The now approved design of Oscar hotel at Seppeltsfield. Supplied

Forward thinking developers, a development assessment panel (including heritage experts) and the highly progressive Light Regional Council all agree and, yippee, we’re getting a big glass slug hotel and day spa for rich people. The poor? Well, let ’em eat bienenstich in funny, old-fashioned Tanunda.

I can barely contain my excitement at the thought of this magnificent glass slug which will dominate the Barossa and it’ll be at the most historic, cherished and beautiful location in the Barossa – Seppeltsfield. The jewel of the Barossa with its historic palm-lined avenue, historic buildings, historic mausoleum and historic tawny port lacks something – a big glass slug.

How many times have you visited the Barossa with a lot of pissed work mates or obstreperous, bored children and grannies and thought if only we could spend thousands of dollars staying in a glass slug and using the day spa? I went to a day spa once. I was told to wear paper undies and I was covered in Dead Sea mud and salt. I looked like a giant lamington but I thought, I really want to do this in the Barossa.

Forget poking around lovely wineries or rushing to Maggie Beer’s Pheasant Farm for verjuice (whatever that is) and pâté, you’ll be able to wear paper undies and get a spray tan and a coffee enema. I prefer to drink my coffee but having coffee shot up your slug will soon be synonymous with the Barossa Valley. At last!

The approved design of the Oscar hotel at Seppeltsfield. Supplied

Let’s have more unregulated, open-slather development. It’s so good for our state. The Barossa Valley need not be quaint and historic any more. Tanunda’s Murray Street can be lined with high-rise buildings like Surfers Paradise without the surf. We need symbols of the Barossa, too. Let’s have a Big Bottle of Barossa Pearl and a Big Bottle of Verjuice – the Barossa’s two most famous products.

The famous Marananga Brass Band Hall can be redeveloped as the concert hall SA so desperately needs. It could look like a big glass phylloxera – the vineyard sap sucker – and bookend the slug. Seppeltsfield also needs a Bunnings, a Maccas, an OTR and several theme parks.

There are always very annoying NIMBY naysayers – people who want to stymie development to protect heritage but, for once, developers are winning and we get the big glass slug we so desperately need.

The Light Regional Council, headquartered in historic Kapunda, knows what’s best for the Barossa - a huge high-rise hotel and day spa for rich people. Heritage is so old-fashioned.

People will come from all over the world to stay in this six-star hotel with panoramic views and on a clear day they can see dear old Maggie and Colin Beer plucking pheasants and macerating the livers of dead ducks.

Development in SA is finally sluggish. Bravo!

Peter Goers can be heard weeknights and Sundays on ABC Radio Adelaide.