Peter Goers: I just don’t get a lot of things these days. Here’s a list

WOMADelaide. Clive Palmer. Short cricket matches. Fake meat. Prince Andrew. The religion of Star Wars. There’s an awful lot Peter Goers finds baffling.

The older you get, the less you know and understand. Oh, to be 16 again when you knew everything. Or, at least, you thought you did. Nowadays I seem to exist in a state of constant confoundment, consternation and confusion.

What about you? Here are my greatest hits of what I just don’t get.

If cricket is so enthralling over five days, why do cricket fans need shorter versions of it? It’s not cricket. It’s cheating but cheating is excused in cricket.

What is the point in covering your bed with useless decorative cushions that you have to remove nightly and put in a pile for you to trip over when you get up to pee in the middle of the night?

Why are cars designed to do speeds of 250km/h when the maximum speed limit is 110km/h – a bit more if you are passing.

Why do immigrants dislike all other more recent immigrants?

What is the point of Clive Palmer? Why do we need him?

WOMADelaide is very popular. Why? So rich people can go to a hot, dusty park and pay a fortune to hear music they pretend to like. I don’t understand.

Why do vegetarians and vegans who eschew meat need to chew fake meat? This means they really crave meat like normal carnivores. We have the teeth for meat so why deny evolution and biology?

Why do monarchist Australians want members of a foreign family to be our head of state? Prince Andrew is the ninth most important Australian. Why? Monarchists insist that royalty is both essential and irrelevant. What?

Yoda. Star Wars. Why are the movies are religion for some?

Why does anyone other than the odd lifesaver need a jet ski? They are environmentally devastating, stupid and dangerous.

Why isn’t tobacco banned? It kills people but governments take $6bn a year from it. Ban it.

We all love to binge TV shows so why are streaming services giving us weekly episodes? We might as well go back to ye olde free-to-air TV.

Is the point of those silly electric scooters to harry pedestrians and leave them abandoned all over the city for people to trip over? Get rid of them.

Why do people say they love trees except for the trees anywhere near them?

Why do people not trust 97 per cent of world scientists who tell us climate change is very real. Meanwhile, Rome burns.

Why do people feel they must wear shorts and thongs while travelling on planes?

Why do parents endlessly negotiate with their children?

Peter Goers. Perpetually baffled.

Why do people who’ve never been to Elizabeth, Port Pirie and Whyalla attack these places?

Why did Star Wars become a religion? What is this obsession with blockbuster movies about comic book characters? The young often have decreased attention spans yet they’ll happily sit for three hours watching superheroes in tights.

Why is Himalayan salt pink? What is an influencer?

When will the very permanent craze for tattoos pass? When will gin return to old ladies only? What is the point of non-alcoholic gin? Why does our society think less of you if you don’t drink alcohol?

Why are there so many roadworks in SA and why are speeds reduced when no-one is working there and in some cases never have?

Why do people hate brown furniture? Why are people avoiding a nice antique piece to pay more for something you have to frustratingly self-assemble and which will be soon thrown out? Just because it’s white? When did furniture and architecture become ephemeral?

Why is Australia the only country in the world divided not united by national day, flag, anthem and head of state?

Why do good old hotels now have shorter names – the Maid and Magpie is now The Maid, the Highway Inn is now The Highway etc ….

And don’t get me started on the anti-vaxxers who only exist because of the vaccinations they’ve already had.

If you have answers to any of these quandaries you’re either 16 or better than me. Whatever you really understand – it’s certainly not cricket.

Peter Goers can be heard weeknights and Sundays on ABC Radio Adelaide.