Melbourne claims it’s Australia’s friendliest city – but have they even been to Adelaide?

Melbourne is claiming the crown of Australia’s friendliest city – which makes no sense. Have they even tried to drive anywhere?

The verdict is in, and the friendliest city in the world is … insert record scratch here … Melbourne.

Yes folks, according to the Benchmarking Melbourne report released on Thursday, based on reviews of 100 global cities, the metropolis on the Yarra is the most affable locale on earth.

Well, we’ve just commissioned the official Benchmarking Adelaide report and after an exhaustive and comprehensive surveying of … several office colleagues, we’ve decided that the City of Churches has been thoroughly robbed here.

We are the Friendly City, and the following facts prove this.

THE TRAFFIC WAVE

Let someone in from a side street on Goodwood Road or Churchill Road or Payneham Road and you’ll get “the wave”, that little sign of acknowledgment that says “thank you, fellow driver, your courtesy has made my commute a little easier and I appreciate you”. Do you get “the wave” in Melbourne? Nobody actually knows because nobody’s been let in from a side street since 1963.

OUR RIVER IS FRIENDLIER

The Torrens sparkles (provided there’s no algae outbreak) with the reflection of a million South Australian suns, forming a golden path for the Popeye to sail along while happy families picnic on the lawns. The Yarra, on the other hand, is known as the Upside Down River – a muddy and menacing waterway you can’t even kick a footy across.

Ange Geroudis with Zoe and Mikaela Zotti at the Malls Balls, the friendliest part of Rundle Mall. Picture: NCA NewsWire / Kelly Barnes

OUR BARISTAS ARE MORE REASONABLE

Adelaide has a long and enduring coffee culture, but the men and women slinging our flat whites every morning lack the militant edge of their Melbourne counterparts. Want it extra hot? Half strength? In a mug? Nobody’s judging you in Adelaide (not out loud, anyway). Try that in Melbourne and you’ll be chased out of the café by an over-caffeinated tattooed crazy person wielding a machete.

WE WERE FOUNDED BY LIGHT

We were founded by Light, Melbourne was founded by Batman. What’s darker than Batman? Nothing.

WE HAVE MORE SUNSHINE

According to people who measure such things, Adelaide receives an average of 2765 hours of sunshine a year, with Melbourne getting just 2362. Everyone knows that sunshine on the noggin does something to the brain that results in an all-round happier demeanour. Four hundred extra hours of happiness-inducing rays are always going result in a friendlier city.

WE’RE A BIG COUNTRY TOWN

Melbournites love to point out that Adelaide is just “a big country town”. Yeah? Well country towns are friendly, which means we must be … big friendly. Or something. And we’re so much more than a big country town anyway, just ask anyone riding the mechanical bull at the Woolshed.

FROG CAKES

Our signature cake is literally a smiling green cream-filled frog. Can you even think of anything friendlier in the entire universe? Unlikely. Melbourne’s signature dish is either a $900 degustation experience or a 4am souvlaki on Lygon Street. Either way we win.

WE’RE NOT FRIED BY OUR DAILY COMMUTE

If you’re commuting from Ballarat every morning you’re probably not going to be in the mood for niceties when you’ve finally found a place to park and arrived at the office. If you’re cruising in on the Southern Expressway – which has run in two directions for several years now – you’re going to get to work as fresh as a Seaford Meadows daisy. Smiles all around!

OUR HOMES ARE CHEAPER

Money, as the great philosopher Sir Paul McCartney once said, can’t buy you love. It can buy you a little less stress though, and a little less stress can convert to a little more friendliness. So while our home prices stay below Melbourne’s (although we do seem to be gaining on them at a rapid rate), it makes sense that we’d be the friendlier city.