Matthew Abraham: Why Greta Thunberg’s speech was the best - blah none

Greta Thunberg has unwittingly invented a communications tool that can do a job on everyone from Scott Morrison to Nicola Spurrier, writes Matthew Abraham.

The mildly annoying but strangely luminescent Greta Thunberg has unwittingly invented a tool that’s even handier than an Ikea flat pack key.

It’s the Thunberg Tool, and it cuts through political gobbledygook like a hot knife through butter. The 18-year-old climate activist is Swedish, so perhaps inventing useful gadgets runs in the genes.

It all began a couple of weeks back when Ms Thunberg took to the stage of the Youth4Climate gathering in Milan and set about seriously taking the wee-wee out of the “empty words and promises” by world leaders “shamelessly congratulating themselves” while stooging around on climate change.

“This is not about some expensive politically correct dream of bunny hugging, or building back better, blah blah blah, green economy, blah blah blah, net zero by 2050, blah blah blah, climate neutral,” she said.

Greta, Greta, Greta. That is simply one of the best speeches ever. By substituting the words “blah blah blah” you’ve revealed the true, awful emptiness of it all.

Greta Thunberg speaks during the climate strike march on October 1, 2021 in Milan, Italy. Photo by Stefano Guidi/Getty Images.

From now on, simply incorporate the words “blah blah blah” at random intervals in self-congratulatory but empty statements from political, business and bureaucrats and we can work out what they’re really saying. Which usually isn’t much, apart from telling us what a great job they’re doing.

Here’s how to deploy the Thunberg Tool. Let’s start with our PM Scott Morrison and his climate action talk.

Greta’s “blah blah blah” speech is part of the build-up to the major UN summit on climate change being staged in Glasgow next month. It’s called COP26 – COP stands for Conference of the Parties – and many see it as vital to meeting the emission reduction goals of the Paris climate agreement.

Australia will definitely be at that knees-up, won’t we? Well, no, apparently not. Mr Morrison has flagged he won’t join other world leaders in Glasgow because it will mean his fourth time in a two-week quarantine after overseas trips and would make it “hard to engage in his other duties”, as The Australian put it.

Never mind that millions of Australian families have spent months, not weeks, in quarantine, many not even being allowed to see or touch their dying parents or cradle their newborn babies or hug grandchildren, or “engage in other duties”, like just going to work each day.

He says with Australia about to release a long-term emissions strategy in a couple of weeks it’s more important for him “to communicate to Australians what our plan means”.

Protesters at the Sydney School Strike 4 Climate Rally at Town Hall in Sydney in May, 2021. Picture: NCA NewsWire / Jeremy Piper

Time to flick open the Thunberg Tool’s corkscrew for the PM’s words: “Our plan will be important, blah blah blah, and Australia will always carry its weight, blah blah blah, emissions reductions. There are, blah blah blah, plenty of countries, blah blah blah, ambition but frankly, blah blah blah, performance to back up what Australia, blah blah blah, achieved.” Simply insert the blah blah blah and the nonsense starts to make sense.

Our PM isn’t keen on donning a kilt and hopping on Air Force One for Scotland because the other leaders gathered in Glasgow might say “Scotty where’s ye climate troosers?” And he has his own National MPs getting their sporrans in a knot over climate targets.

And let’s not forget the voters in coal-mining seats in NSW and Queensland and the badlands of western Sydney, all of whom might give him the Highland Fling.

Those are the missing words hidden in the blah blah blah.

Helpfully, Finance Minister SA’s Senator Simon Birmingham said that an Australian PM had gone to a UN climate change conference only three times in the last 13 or 14 years”. Insert blah blah blah here.

Yep, you can have a lot of fun using the Thunberg Tool.

SA’s Chief Public Health Officer, Professor Nicola Spurrier, was in full “the sky is falling” mode last Sunday arvo, declaring: “The disease is coming, Covid is coming, and you do need to think now is the time to get myself protected”.

Health Minister Stephen Wade reassures us “about 60 beds have been added to the system in the next month or two, both last month and next month, and we have more announcements in the pipeline”. What?

Throw in a generous handful of blah blah blahs and you get their message. If and when we “open the borders” at Christmas, the disease will come in a hurry, and we better protect ourselves because frankly many of us have grave doubts our hospital system will cope when they can’t fix ambulance ramping.

The Thunberg Tool. Every kitchen drawer needs one.