Matthew Abraham: What is up with Adelaide Oval flying fox proposal?

It’s the Adelaide Oval proposal that many South Australians are asking “what the fox” about. So Matthew Abraham decided to explore the question through the prism of childhood innocence.

“Dad, that flying fox from Adelaide Oval is going to be fantastic.”

“Eat your muesli, Geoffrey. Mum and me made it especially using organic chia from the little stall at the farmer’s market. And we’re running late for cricket practice. Have you got sun block on?”

“I don’t like chia, it tastes funny. Can’t we have Coco Pops?”

“No you can’t have Coco Pops. They’re full of sugar and the work of Satan. What flying fox?”

“The one on the news last night, Dad. The nice men running Adelaide Oval have a secret plan to run a flying fox from way up on top of the grandstand all the way across the Torrens to the Festival Theatre. It sounds so cool.”

“It’s not cool, young man. It’s downright dangerous. Besides, they’ll only build the flying fox after they’ve built the new hotel.”

“What hotel, Dad?”

“The one on the side of Adelaide Oval. The Stadium Management Authority is going to build it and taxpayers – that’s people like me and your mum – are going to lend them $42 million to do it.”

“Is that a lot of money, Dad?”

“You bet it’s a lot of money. But the government says it’s a great deal because they can get the money at 3.2 per cent interest and lend it to the stadium people for 4.5 per cent. You know what percentages are, don’t you?”

“Sure do Dad, I asked Siri about them only last night when I was doing my maths homework on the iPad. Mr Fotherington-Smythe says it’s not cheating. He’s the best teacher ever.”

“Is he now?” (Dad makes mental note to discuss homework with teacher).

“But Dad, if the government can get money for 3.2 per cent and lend money to Adelaide Oval for 4.5 per cent, why can’t it do that for everybody? Everyone would get cheaper money and the government would make heaps.

“Good thinking, son. But if they did that, they’d be a bank and not a government, wouldn’t they?

“But Dad, what’s wrong with a government bank? They could have a competition to come up with a name. How about the State Bank?”

(Dad spills chia seeds all over the imported Spanish marble benchtop)

“That’s a terrible name, Geoffrey. I’ll explain why when you’re a bit older.”

“Is that like the talk we’re going to have when I’m a bit older about the birds and the bees?”

“Ask your mother about the birds and bees, Geoffrey. Don’t worry about the hotel thing. They say they can build it without taking any more space in the parklands. Now for crying out loud, finish your muesli.”

“But Dad, how can they build a hotel on the side of Adelaide Oval without taking up any space? Will it be a magic hotel? Will people sleep standing up, in special beds?”

“Well, it is sort of magic, Geoffrey. A very special kind of magic. It’s called Developer Magic. It’s complicated but they have special people they pay to make the magic happen.”

“What are they called, Dad?”

“Lobbyists, son. They get called lots of other names too but if I tell you those I’ll have to wash my mouth out with soap.”

“Cool, Dad. You spend lots of money at the hotel with your friends. Mum says it’d go broke without you. So, will the new hotel make lots of money?”

“Not at the start, Geoffrey. In fact, it’ll lose money for the first three years.”

“Wow, what’s going to happen after the first three years, Dad. Is that more Developer Magic?

“Something like that, Geoffrey.”

“But Dad, why do they want to build a hotel on the side of a footy oval, anyway?”

(Dad sighs).

“Look son, we can’t sit here all day going around the world for sixpence about hotels and flying foxes, so pay attention. I’m going to explain the whole hotel thing as simply as I can. You ready? Here goes.”

(Takes deep breath)

“Ten years ago, the Labor government gave the footy people, SANFL, $100 million to build a new grandstand at AAMI Stadium at West Lakes. They’re bulldozing that now and footy is making a bundle selling the land for townhouses and don’t have to give any cash back to the government.

“Next, the government gave the cricket people, SACA, $85 million to wipe out a debt from building a new grandstand at Adelaide Oval. Then the government said they’d give them all $435 million and ‘not a penny more’ for a big new stadium, but it ended up costing $535 million.

“Now the Liberal Government is giving them the special $42 million loan to build the hotel that they reckon will lose $2 million for the first three years so they can start making money after that.

“They say they need cash to put into girls’ footy, and maybe world peace. They lost $200,000 in 2017. Nobody knows why they want a flying fox across the Torrens but maybe they think it will distract some of us from asking whether anyone else could do a better job of running the joint.”

(Geoffrey sits blinking at his dad across the kitchen bench, a spoonful of chia muesli frozen mid-mouthful)

“Wow. Dad, is all that true? Or is it like the babies under the cabbage leaf story?”

“It’s all true, son. You couldn’t make this stuff up.”

“Hey Dad, last question: Why do they need more money when we gave them the stadium for free and they charge us $6 for a pie with sauce?”

(Father slumps forward, face in hands. Swears softly).

“I heard that, Dad. Now you have to wash your mouth out with soap.”