Matthew Abraham: Move over ‘Mad March’, ‘Sad March’ will be here before we know it

Most of SA’s major events have been cancelled but never fear, Sad March is just around the corner. Better book soon, or it could end in tears, writes Matthew Abraham.

If you’re down in the dumps over the dumping of Mad March, buckle up buckle-boo because help is on the way.

Thanks to the joy-killing COVID-19 pandemic, next March in Adelaide won’t be the Mad March that an entire generation has come to know and love.

They’ve been raised on a March that’s an orgy of hanky panky and unearthly delights, ageing hippies grooving to world music in the Parklands, the faint aroma of wacky backy wafting through the pines, a city giddy on high-octane V8s and drunk on, well, just drunk, for 31 days and 31 nights.

Maybe half a million South Australians born after 1980 think this sort of caper is normal for March in Adelaide.

Premier Steven Marshall and Fun Police Commissioner Grant Stevens have got news for you. Not any more, it ain’t.

Unless somebody intervenes, next March will be like every March was when Tom Playford was premier, from 1938 to 1965.

Adelaide’s night-life back then was a lot like Toledo, Ohio, where, as John Denver sang, “they roll back the sidewalks precisely at 10, and people who live there are not seen again”.

Astute observers will note the government now tags all its rats-and-mice Budget announcements with the catchphrase “building the things that matter”, pointing to a talk-big-think-small strategy.

But if it keeps cancelling major events, it might have to change it to “nothing really matters”. It’s got a nice ring to it.

So (and this was a surprise) it’s enlisted me to work with the SA Tourism Commission – the SATC – to replace Mad March with a small-is-beautiful program of events.

The SATC bods assigned one of their best operatives, Old Mate, to work with me and we got on like a house on fire.

First up, we had to rebadge Mad March, obviously.

We workshopped Morose March, Morbid March, Mad Mouse March and even Marshall March, but they went down like a lead balloon with our focus groups.

We settled on Sad March, because it sort of rhymes with Mad March and it got a big tick from our robocall polling in Dulwich on Tuesday night.

We don’t want to spoil the big surprise, but here’s a wee taste of what the SATC has planned for your Adelaide 2021 Sad March.

MACRAMÉ MAYHEM: Fans of the double half hitch, the square knot picot and the lanyard knot will be glued to their seats, literally, as competitors from across SA battle it out in a blur of jute and wooden beads.

The winner will take home a superb macramé pot hanger, complete with spider plant. It’ll go straight to the pool room.

RAMP ROMP: Fishos will turn out in their dozens to enjoy this twilight family event at West Beach as boat owners navigate one of the world’s great busted-arse boat ramps.

Who will lose their boat trailer in the giant hole in the northern ramp? Will the ticket machines be working, for once? Will the taps run dry at the wash-down bays because the bore water pump is cactus, again? Bigger than the Ring Cycle, mark it in your calendar now.

SPIN TENT: Government and Opposition spin doctors will gather in the Spiegeltent for this risque cabaret performance. Audience participation will be encouraged. Feel free to boo, cheer or toss tomatoes at the stage.

Media advisers will reveal their dark arts, including burying the bad news on the second page of a media release, or insisting journalists email their questions before telling them a scandal is “old news”. Clothing optional.

YELLOW BIN-A-RAMA: Replacing Writers’ Week, you’re invited to doze off on the lawns of Pioneer Women’s Memorial Gardens as authors explain why you can’t put plastic wrap in your yellow bin. The author of the Missed Bin Report Online Form will headline the week. A treat for book lovers everywhere.

VERTICAL CONSUMPTION: Just scan the G-code and head for the Ramsgate front bar for this convivial night reminiscing about the days when drinking standing up was called drinking standing up. Every event is cleverly designed to attract low numbers of people sitting 1.5m apart. Bring your own hand sanitiser. Book early for Sad March or it’ll end in tears.