Matthew Abraham: I hereby declare war on Covid-speak

Roadmaps, modelling, new normals. For almost two years now, we’ve been drowning in Covid-speak. Enough’s enough, writes Matthew Abraham.

Mignon Fogarty, who resides at a foggy beach in California, precise address unknown, isn’t your average grammar cop.

The author and podcaster is known to the online world as “Grammar Girl”, bringing a light touch to the Herculean job of educating the planet about the rules of grammar.

Mignon has just launched a grammar game called Peeve Wars, a card game for language lovers from aged two to 99.

The game, for two to four players, revolves around accumulating an “army” of pet grammar peeves – things that annoy or irritate.

The goal of the game is to “amass a peeve army to annoy your opponent to death”.

So, the phrase “You guys” has an annoyance value of one for each different type of peeve you have in your army. In Australia, of course, “you guys” is fine, but “youse guys” is not. It’s a pet peeve.

What a fabulous idea. We’ve been drowning in “COVID grammar” for nearly two years now and it’s getting seriously annoying. So, it’s time to declare a peeve war on the language of the pandemic Down Under. Let’s play.

Chief public health officer, Professor Nicola Spurrier. Picture: Keryn Stevens

Peeve Card #1 - “COVID is coming”.

This is currently my Number One pet pandemic peeve. SA’s Chief Public Health Officer, Professor Nicola Spurrier, first played this card at one of her excitable media briefings a few weeks ago. Now everyone’s saying it. Covid is coming! Covid is coming! The sky is falling! Calm the farm, Chicken Little. Yes, “Covid is coming” when we selectively open our state borders in nine days, so we have two choices. Either we don’t open our borders on November 23, and pretend it’s not happening, or we roll with it.

People are coming.... and you know what that means? Covid is coming!!! Picture David Clark

Peeve Card #2 - “Roadmap”
Prime Minister Boris Johnson possibly first coined “roadmap” to describe vague plans to emerge from Covid and it’s stuck like Vegemite to a blanket.

But who uses roadmaps? They’ve been replaced by sat navs in our cars and we all know they take us to our chosen destinations by the longest, most bizarre routes imaginable.

Premier Steven Marshall’s “Covid-Ready Roadmap” is annoying because it’s not ready for anything yet.

Peeve Card #3 – “Modelling”
No government is complete without Covid “modelling” used to dream up a “roadmap” when “Covid is coming” (Note I’ve played three peeve cards here, earning bonus points).

The Morrison Government uses the Doherty Institute modelling, Victoria relies on the Burnet Institute modelling and Queensland uses the Berghofer Medical Research Institute modelling. NSW just crossed its fingers and went for it and this seems to have worked out OK, unless you died. WA is using the Lock the Gates Forever Institute modelling.

And what about SA? Our “Covid-Ready roadmap” has been “informed by expert modelling, undertaken by highly expert, independent academics from the University of Adelaide, who are part of the broader Doherty Institute Network”. Sure. Premier Marshall confessed he hadn’t read it and Health Minister Steven Wade said he had but didn’t understand it. Let’s hope they’re both up to speed now.

Peeve Card #4 – “Private activity”
By any grammar rule book, the term “private activity” means an activity that is private. For example, a picnic in the park with family and friends is a private activity. Not any more it ain’t. The state now decides what is or isn’t a private activity, not us.

A private activity is “an event, function or other gathering held at a place that does not constitute a defined public activity (but does not include a gathering at home or an event, function or gathering involving only members of the same household)”.

We may consume food and drink while standing (now known as “vertical consumption”, aka Peeve Card #6) at a density of one person per two square metres, a maximum of 50 may dance at a time, singing is permitted with masks while inside and the activity must be supervised by an independent Covid Marshall whose “faculties are not impaired in any way by alcohol or drugs”. Enjoy.

Peeve Card #5– Masks. Ah, the masks card, the joker in the peeve pack. We’ve been forced to wear masks for months now despite next to zero Covid cases in our community. It’s like smearing yourself in calamine lotion in case you get chicken pox. Mask fatigue has set in just when we actually may need to start wearing them, because “Covid is coming”.

Once you start collecting Covid peeve cards, it’s hard to stop. Shuffle the deck and deal me in. But no cheating, youse guys.

A mask-wearing woman walks past a mural depicting frontline health workers wearing masks, along a street in Manila on November 10, 2021. Photo by Ted ALJIBE / AFP.