Matthew Abraham: Didn’t you need to ask someone first? Like, perhaps the Governor, or even Her Majesty?

SA’s Police commissioner has spent a lot of time at the state’s helm during the COVID crisis. Matthew Abraham ponders making it permanent.

SA’s Police commissioner has spent a lot of time at the state’s helm during the COVID crisis. Matthew Abraham ponders making it permanent.

Matthew Abraham: Premier Grant Stevens, on behalf of every citizen in this wonderful state, our warmest and heartfelt congratulations on appointing yourself to the position of Premier.

Grant Stevens: Thank you, Matthew. And I mean that with the same sincerity with which you’ve offered your congratulations, although, because you’re a media hack, that’s probably not very much at all.

MA: Fair cop. Sorry, poor choice of words. Commissioner, I mean Premier, do you mind if we drop the formalities and I call you Granto?

GS: Yes, I do mind. It’s Sir or Premier, thank you very much.

MA: Premier it is, then. Let’s start at the start. When did you decide to make yourself Premier?

GS: Good question. The thought has been percolating away inside my head ever since the outbreak of COVID-19 in March last year and my appointment as state co-ordinator to run SA with sweeping powers under the Emergency Management Act.

South Australian Police Commissioner Grant Stevens looks on as Premier Steven Marshall speaks to the media. Picture: David Mariuz

At first I thought it’d only be for a few days, a week, tops. I mean, before this, the longest an emergency declaration had been in force was four days and that was for the bushfires.

But the parliament, which I dismissed last week by the way, not that anybody noticed, kept giving me three-month extensions.

MA: So, earlier this month, they gaily extended your powers until December 17. Was that the tipping point for you?

GS: Definitely. I mean, that’s only three months out from the next election, right? If they extended it again at Christmas, it’d mean I’d be still running the state while people were going to the polls to decide who should run the state. I just thought it’d be simpler, less confusing and cheaper to appoint myself Premier.

MA: Didn’t you need to ask someone first? Like, perhaps the Governor, or even Her Majesty?

GS: No, no, no, not at all. It’s an easy mistake to make, but as state co-ordinator, I can pretty much do anything I think needs to be done to keep the people of this great state safe from COVID-19. It’s in the fine print of the Emergency Management Act, under the clause Four More Years.

MA: And you don’t think the sacked premier Steven Marshall or Labor leader Peter Malinauskas could do that just as well?

GS: Are you kidding me? Marshall hasn’t said boo to a goose since the start of the pandemic. He’s been happy to let me run the joint for more than a year while he wears a fluoro vest and shovels dirt. Why would he complain if I took the job on officially? And Malinauskas just wants to stop people from shopping after five on Sundays.

MA: What’ve you done with them, by the way? Are they in the slammer?

GS: Give me a break. What do you think this is, a police state or something?

MA: Well, it has been for the last 14 months, Commissioner, I mean Premier. It’s just they seem to have vanished into thin air.

GS: Trust me, they’re both very happy with the new arrangements. They’ve gone back to the jobs that suit their skill sets. Marshall is opening a Wok in the Box franchise in the main street of Gluepot. Malinauskas is stacking shelves at the Woolies in Kongorong.

Steven Marshall looks on as Grant Stevens speaks to the media. Picture: David Mariuz

MA: What about all the other MPs from both houses of parliament you’ve sacked?

GS: In the police force, we prefer to say redeployed, not sacked. They’ve all been redeployed to the speed camera roster on Mount Rat Road. They weren’t all that happy about it, but at least they all get to claim the country members allowance, which is a nice little earner.

MA: Didn’t anyone notice they were missing? What, apart from their families?

GS: No, not really. The Great Vanishing all went rather smoothly.

MA: So if you’re now Premier, who’s doing your old job of police commissioner?

GS: Oh, I’m kicking on as top cop. Don’t you worry about that. It only took me a few weeks as state co-ordinator to nut out that running SA wasn’t a full-time job, especially if you didn’t have to worry about the whole democracy caper.

It’s just so inefficient. And it’s so much easier getting people to do what you want them to do when you have a police force at your disposal.

MA: Finally, what’s your No. 1 priority as Premier?

GS: Well, obviously mandatory detention for QR code breaches. That’s a no-brainer.

We’re thinking of extending QR codes to the family home, you know, plastering them on bedroom doors and so on. No code, no nookie. People will get the hang of it. Eventually.