Does Adelaide University even need human students anymore? They could be AI | Peter Goers

You know you’ve taken corporate-speak to new levels when even the education minister can’t work out what you’re talking about, writes Peter Goers.

Bafflegab rules. If in doubt, obfuscate. The amalgamation of the University of Adelaide and University of South Australia (the former is fusty and the latter progressive) is controversial and very expensive.

Recently it was announced that as of January 2026, university lectures will become “rich asynchronous digital activities.” WT?

Asynchronous means “not existing or occurring at the same time”. So does that mean that lectures won’t exist at all and they won’t exist at the same time?

Even Dr Susan Close, the former education minister and the minister responsible for the university amalgamation, was flummoxed by this statement.

And so say all of us.

This absurd language has inspired me to write a satirical piece as follows:

“An Asynchronous Communication to all university stakeholders from the Acting Deputy Assistant of the Deputy Manager of Asynchronous Amalgamation Processes

CC: Parliamentary Committee for the Establishment of Adelaide University and 134 consultants.

The new Adelaide University co-chancellor Professor David Lloyd and Deputy Premier Susan Close. Picture: Tom Huntley

“Hi,

Just to circle back with blue sky thinking, the universities of Adelaide and South Australia will become Adelaide University soon or on Jan ‘26 or whichever comes first.

We have mega silos ATM and going forward we need to break down silos once our ducks are in a row.

The bleeding edge of all this is that the core competencies of the SA Government will activate $465.5m for the absolutely asynchronous amalgamation.

As we drill down that budget there may be a paradigm shift at the end of the day which may lead to fulfilment issues.

We won’t need to outsource but we may need to offsource but it will be in-house. Don’t worry, we are using folksonomy and the entire computer system will experience extensive sensorization.

There is no need for concern. The new Adelaide University (as opposed to the old one) will value-add once we work out what the value is.

There will be no job losses or redundancies. Probably. But this may be a lever that we all have to pull. Asynchronously.

We will circle back as we go forward and we need all staff members to think outside the box and take a deep dive into disruptive innovation.

There will always be low hanging fruit on the bleeding edge. We are trying to boil the ocean here.

We will have an extra 6000 students soon.

That will be the new, new-normal but hopefully we will never see them as they’ll be asynchronous and experiencing learnings while their knowledge processes are being offshored. Somewhere. We will constantly data mine this.

This new university will pop.

Students will be human capital but social capital will be on the back burner and in the weeds.

Let’s put a pin in this. We need to churn.

We need to be one team in agreeance – except for those we don’t need and who we’ll soon get rid of.

Let’s optimise.

Do we really need students anywhere near us? They can be AI.

At the end of the day and I’m sure you know what I mean – we need non-disruptive diversity. Forget bricks and mortar. We want organic growth. That’s win-win. That’s synergy.

Reverse fulfilment is in the past. That’s very dot bomb. The future is asynchronous. We are inclusive.

We want to know what you think but please do not reply.”