Arman Abrahimzadeh: Dads need to spend time with children to break gender stereotypes which lead to violence

My father was a violent abuser, but time spent with my own son has made me a better parent and a better husband, writes Arman Abrahimzadeh

When my wife Genevieve told me she was pregnant, the initial question in my head was: Would I replicate my ­father’s behaviour?

More than a year later, with a busy toddler, and after six months of parental leave, I can rest assured that I’m not on the same path as him.

Ever since we fled our ­family home almost 13 years ago to escape the violence and abuse that my dad perpetrated on my mum, my sisters and me, I have been mindful not to behave as he did.

I would sometimes actively ask myself: “What would my father do?” and then try to do the opposite.

Throughout my relationships, my marriage and now parenthood, my father’s behaviour has been on my mind, particularly when making significant decisions.

Arman Abrahimzadeh, right, with his wife Genevieve Lewis and their son Raphael at the Adelaide Town Hall. Picture Matt Turner.

When it came to sharing the parenting responsibilities, my wife and I decided that she would stay home until our son was nine months old, and then I would take leave from my work at the SA Housing Authority for six months so she could resume her career.

It was one of the best and toughest six months of my life. Since my dad murdered my mum almost 12 years ago, I have been missing the support and presence of parents in my life, and being a stay-at-home dad highlighted this gap.

Those six months made me look at things from a different perspective. My wife would ­always talk about the mental load, and I thought I understood it, but I didn’t really until I started to truly carry it.

I slowly started to see some of the challenges working mothers face, and the double standards that exist.

I would take Raphael everywhere with me: meetings, shopping and, of course, playground visits where, strangely, I would get all the kudos for being a good father.

Yet I was just doing my job as a parent. I wonder if I would have received the same recognition if I were a mother.

I was fortunate my workplace gave me flexibility to take time off and return to the same position. Many women have positions chopped and changed and even, in some cases, made redundant.

I feel so privileged to have had this time with my son at such a young age. I know a lot of fathers don’t get the same opportunity.

Arman Abrahimzade with son Raphael (at 10 months). Picture Matt Turner.

If we want to ­increase equity in society we need to remove financial and other barriers so men can spend time with their children.

We know gender inequality exists on a spectrum that starts with gender stereotypes and ends with violence.

Therefore, we need a range of policies that address the whole spectrum. Parental leave not only strengthened the bond between myself and my son, but it also made me a better husband and, more ­importantly, one with far more empathy than before.

Arman Abrahimzadeh OAM is deputy lord mayor of Adelaide City Council and co-founder of the Zahra Foundation Australia