Adelaide Festival, Fringe, Writers Week, WOMAD and Podfest need some extra oestrogen | Amanda Blair

I’m as hormone-depleted as the next 56 year old but at least I try to keep myself on an even keel, writes Amanda Blair.

I’m no festival director but I reckon we could improve the entire Adelaide and Fringe Festival, Writers Week, WOMAD and Podfest with one little addition – oestrogen.

Because there’s a lot of post-menopausal women out there who are ruining it for the rest of us.

Ladies, before you rush to the computer to write a letter to the editor, hear me out.

I’m sorry I have to talk to you so honestly but somebody needs to tell you your behaviour is out of line, your entitlement hard to swallow and your large straw sun-hat hard to see past.

Hey, I’m as hormone-depleted as the next 56 year old but at least I try to keep myself on an even keel by wearing my HRT patch and taking St John’s wort.

I understand how to keep my inside voice inside when faced with commonplace annoyances ie: slow walkers, scooter drivers and shop assistants who talk too much. I get it, but it appears many of you lost your courtesy when you lost your collagen.

During the week at a Festival show, behind me sat six women who’d all come in on the Tusmore express. Grey hair, pearls, crisp white shirts, sensible slacks and Ferragamo loafers.

I hate to stereotype but if you be it, well … I can’t help seeing it.

Anyway, they didn’t seem to enjoy the artist and let everybody around them know it too.

There was tut-tutting, big heavy sighs, conversations about song choice, complaints about how loud the music was. I think it wasn’t loud enough as I would have loved to drown out their negative commentary.

At one point I turned around and told them they could leave if they wanted to, exit stage left. This went down like a price hike at Perri Cutten and they just glared at me through their designer bifocals.

Manners ladies, you should have just shut your pursed-lip mouths until you got home and then complain all you like, but don’t bring us all down. It’s selfish.

It wasn’t your private show so keep your private thoughts, well, um. private.

Same thing happened a few weeks ago during an ASO performance. A group of women just continued to chat throughout the performance as if we were watching Netflix in their lounge room.

I was obvs very excited to learn that Lorna has had her bladder Botoxed due to her unstable pelvic floor and that Barbara and Ian still aren’t back from their caravanning holiday, but couldn’t it wait till intermission?

At Writers Week where the median age is 87 and I continually look to the sky for the arrival of the Antaean vessel from Cocoon, the bad behaviour is on full display.

At a festival that brings together the finest minds in the world to discuss important issues like citizenship, democracy, strong leadership and the horrors of war, a war of a different kind is taking place in the audience.

Who has ownership of the plastic chairs? If you grab a seat for a session and you park your trolley in front it’s yours all day, right? Nobody else can sit there even if you leave that session and go to another, you want YOUR chair all day thankyouverymuch.

It’s yours, you got it, everybody else can suffer in their jocks.

A seated crowd listens to Pakistan's Ustad Saami on Stage 3 at WOMADelaide 2020. Picture: Rob Sferco

If there is a “reserved” sign on the first row of seats then surely they are “reserved” for Jean of Myrtle Bank and not for the Press, sponsors, distinguished guests.

Oh and Jean will argue about this too, it’s her right you know, she paid good money to come to this FREE festival.

You’ll hear all about it even if you don’t want to when Jean gets on the phone and tells her friends as she doesn’t seem to be able to use her phone unless it’s on “speaker. If you’re related to a Jean, can you please show her how to use the phone, we’re so bored of hearing what’s she’s eating for lunch.

The irony is, the Jeans and Tusmore tut-tutters will happily bat off about the “younger generation” being badly behaved, but when it comes to manners and respect for others I reckon they’re doing OK. They’re much less judgmental, more kind, gracious and accepting having been raised on a diet of diversity and inclusion.

Perhaps it’s time we give them the best seats in the house.