Cairns secret ‘liberating’ kink scene revealed

Kinksters say pursuing their fantasies has liberated them in unexpected ways, but what happens when lines start to be crossed? Step inside Cairns’ secret kink scene.

Rhi Smith, of Cairns, with her fetish gear. Picture: Supplied

Rhi Smith is on a points system with her King.

When the 32-year-old Cairns woman behaves, her play partner who she calls ‘King’, gives her a point.

Every day, she has a list of tasks to complete related to house chores or personal care.

“We negotiated habits and tasks to benefit my personal well-being and health. The points collect over time. I can redeem them at any time,” Ms Smith said.

They result in a reward; a gaming night, or a small present, or he cooks her a meal

Ms Smith is a softly spoken, bashful mother who works in an important full-time job.

And she’s a kinkster.

She loves her partner, her king, who is a “very caring, nurturing dom” who “rewards me”. If she does something wrong, the punishment is often a series of squats or planks.

There are 12 different submissives in the BDSM world.

Ms Smith, along with virtually the whole variety of doms and subs, is a part of the diverse and Cairns kink scene; she loves being dominated, enslaved, and tied up. She’s a mild masochist; she says, “Just because I’m submissive doesn’t mean I’m weak. I choose to be submissive; in real life, I am a strong person”.

For her, pursuing a kink is a path to personal and sexual liberation.

But for others, especially younger women, the “play” can become abusive.

Some are left unsure of where the consent started and finished — leaving one to wonder, where the line should be drawn.

Rhi Smith in a Japanese shibari outfit she made herself.

A kink, for starters, is an unconventional sexual behaviour.

A study in the Journal of Sex Research finds that paraphilia — unusual sexual interests — are actually common: One in three people have experimented with one at some point in their lives.

Some examples from Cairns websites advertise a man who “wants couple to dominate me,” to enforce food restrictions (“a very strict diet of bland with occasional snack if I’m good”), no talking out of turn (“with a 24 hour gag for punishment”), gross chores (“a real man needs to know how to do dirty work”), and set waking times.

Another, is looking “for straight lads to fart in my mouth, please”.

While another says he won’t consider letting someone fart in his mouth until he sees a photo of them first.

There are, of course, golden showers, gags, and foot fetishes.

Foot fetishist Jamie Prentice and explained how he is “into trampling and foot gagging”.

“I guess the fact that you have got another person walking on you like as if you’re a carpet. It’s a bit erotic. The feel of their weight on your chest. Feel that shoe or foot going into your mouth and hitting your tonsils.”

Aliyah Moore, a sex educator, said “sexual gratification comes from the power dynamic, taboo nature, or sensory experience rather than the act itself”.

She says it’s important to keep an mind that the perception of what is considered ‘kinky’ or fetish-like has changed over time.

Cairns Sexologist Ella Shannon said not too long ago, a woman in Western society who felt sexual desire was seen as abnormal and needed to be treated by a doctor.

If there are two consenting adults involved, you shouldn’t “ever yuck anybody’s yum,” according to Ms Shannon.

Generic picture: Jam Press

Lottie Hasselt-Grant, who identifies as asexual, led the Cairns kink community for a long time while still in her early 20s and used to have kink sessions at her house regularly. She spent time vetting “creeps” from participating.

“I have never had consensual sex. I have never had crushes,” who works in the military industry explained. “Even kissing repulses me.”

But growing up, she had a single fantasy that came into her head — being kidnapped and tied up.

It was in therapy that Lottie first came to discuss her desire to be tied up with what she says was a “clear link to my childhood”.

“I know it might sound a little messed up. But I went through abuse as a child. I was unable to move or speak when it happened. When I went to therapy as an adult, during one session, my therapist asked me what I fantasised about … she said, ‘Why not pursue it?’ I said, ‘No that’s really messed up’. But she explained I could safely pursue it, so I did.”

She describes the attraction to ropes as comforting and cuddle-like, “a coping mechanism … taking control of a traumatic memory”.

Shibari performer Skye Bee. Picture: MATT LOXTON

Her best moment so far in kink? She says it was the day her friends did a spontaneous fake kidnapping of her, tied her up in a room, and left her there.

“I orgasmed when I left,” she explained, “I still get off on it when I think about now”.

But Ms Hasselt-Grant, who has acted like something of Mother Hubbard in the Cairns kink world, does have clear boundaries and limits.

“Creeps” are vetted out before going to any of her events.

“To me, any guy who doesn’t respect my boundaries is a creep. For example, choking. When I was raped, I could barely breathe. Anyone who I tell them I hate being choked and they try to choke me, well, that’s a creep to me,” she said.

Creeps, predator, lack of discussion, and lack of consent are all words and phrases used close together when “submissives” describe sex and relationships with “doms” gone wrong.

One young woman, 25, explained how while she agreed to be tied up and spanked by her dom, she didn’t want to have sex with another couple.

“We never talked about it. He never asked me about it,” she explained.

“Ultimately, I was too scared to refuse to say no. I had the most miserable time.”

The kink aspect of the relationship complicated the concept of abuse for her.

Ella Shannon from the Evolution of Intimacy in Cairns. Picture: Brendan Radke

“At times, there is a still grey area about whether certain things were consented to and what wasn’t. It was like I had Stockholm syndrome.”

But for her, the line went from blurry to non-existent to buried deep somewhere in a mess of self-revulsion and sheer confusion until she found it.

“I eventually decided I had enough. I went to the police. He spent six months in jail.”

Sexologist Ella Shannon says both parties, from the outset, know what they want to experience and feel what is off-limits.

“What are my safe words if I want to slow down, pause or stop? What is my non-verbal symbol if I’ve reached my limit?”

She explains kink practitioners talk about ‘RACK’, ‘Risk-aware, consensual Kink’

Rhi Smith agrees: “It goes like this — there needs to be a discussion beforehand, what is OK, what is not OK, what do I like, what do I not like? You need to play within those rules, everything has to be consented to. If you can’t tell someone - stop doing that, you are hurting me, you are in an abusive relationship.”

Yet Ms Smith and Ms Hasselt-Grant still have fun within the boundaries, which many others would probably find too permissive.

Ms Hasselt-Grant does accommodate another type of ‘Littles’ at her kink parties.

A little is a person who plays the role of a much younger person. This can include taking on childlike play. Like for instance her partner might simply run a bath and put toys in there for her to play with and leave the bathroom.

“I used to make a little play area for the littles with Thomas the Tank Engine carpet,” she explained.

Rhi Smith in fetish gear.

Ms Smith identifies mostly as a rope bunny, but sometimes as a little.

“It is just cute, fun, and playful and a way to let go,” she says.

“Certainly nobody under-age is ever involved.”

But why do so many fetishes and kinks centre around issues of control, discipline, dominance and taboo?

“It is not surprising that many people find solace in fetishes as they seek to escape from their daily routines and stressful lifestyles. They are able to forget about the monotony of everyday life, as engaging in power dynamics or discipline scenarios allows them to immerse in the universe where they can either give up or, on the contrary, take control,” Dr Moore said.

“The forbidden nature of power may also act as an aphrodisiac. Such power imbalances or expressions of dominance and submission are generally considered off-limits by societal norms, making them appealing to those who crave taboo thrills.”

Ms Smith from Cairns West says her boyfriend’s domination is about helping her become the person she wants to be. For instance, at the moment, she has been picking her face a lot, and she wants to stop, they discussed it, and they decided that every time she does a certain habit with her hands, she has to do 10 squats.

“I negotiated him down from 20,” she said.

“Before I got into kink, I had a lot less confidence — I didn’t have a strong sense of myself. I felt like I was putting on different hats to please other people. I didn’t know who I was. Kink gives me a temporary escape.”

Originally published as Cairns secret ‘liberating’ kink scene revealed