Lucy* said the abuse in her relationship was so well hidden, even her doctor never knew.

“The physical abuse was very calculated – he used to hit me on the head so people wouldn’t see,” she said.

“I was on anti-depressants for 18 years of that relationship,” she said.

“When it all came to a head, my doctor said she was so sorry. I hid it so well.”

It was akin to walking on eggshells all the time, she said, giving her extreme anxiety.

“It’s like being on flight mode 24/7,” she said.

She described how her partner’s need to know everything spiralled into violence, recalling how he smelled her when she got back home to ensure she wasn’t “playing up” and demanded details on every aspect of conversation any time she spoke to a male person outside of home.

“I ended up with a black eye one time because he found $50 in my purse – he’s like ‘where did you get this money from’,” she said.

“We would be somewhere and he would be talking to someone and if the conversation switched to me, he would give me this look like ‘You’re f*cking going to get it when we come home, how dare you take over the conversation’. He controlled every aspect of my life.”

Lucy and her three children could not even go to the beach unless he approved it.

Her partner would closely monitor her bank account, control her key card and set very specific expectations on how food had to be prepared with an order that the house had to be spotless at all times.

A serial gambler and drinker, he resorted to violence even after the drinking had stopped, she said.

“You just learn to block things out. I forgot a lot of stuff that had happened and it was probably due to a lot of the trauma I received to the head as well.”

Lucy’s parents knew what was happening, she said, despite her hiding her bruises with makeup and excuses.

“I would screenshot messages he sent me and forward them to my mum,” she said.

“So that if he did happen to kill me, we would have enough evidence to make sure he doesn’t get the kids.”

The “double life” she had to lead drove her to thoughts of suicide but concern for her children kept her in the marriage.

“He even held one of my babies over the balcony one day when I tried to leave,” she said.

Lucy played escape scenarios in her head for years and thought of leaving her partner when her youngest turned 18 but one night, when her child was still 10, she answered him “the wrong way” during an argument and he threw something at her.

“I ducked, it left a massive hole in the wall and I was like this is my chance – it sort of unfolded from there,” she said.

“I called the police, absolutely sh*tting myself, but when they came it all came back to me and I told them everything and they enforced the (domestic violence) order.”

Since then, her partner has breached the order multiple times and stalked her, she said.

Lucy decided not pursue child maintenance even after finding herself $40,000 in debt while separating as her partner had transferred all the money to her name.

“I have just winged it with no child support because I didn’t want that confrontation with him,” she said, confessing it had been really “hard.”

Financial stress post Covid and increased cost-of-living were a big reason why women stayed in abusive relationships, Lucy said, recalling how her husband would say she would never be able to survive without him.

The most important thing to realise, according to her, was how dangerous things could get in a split second and because of this, help needed to be immediately available.

“People can’t wait six weeks to speak to somebody, they need help now.”

Calling a DV helpline was also a risk if the partner asked to look through the call log, as anything jeopardising their control could trigger unimaginable consequences.

The risks were massive even after separation, she said, and women who chose to leave needed to have a pristine plan in their head, down to the minute.

“These women on TV who are getting doused with petrol or stabbed – I feel like they probably answered their partner the wrong way in a message.

“Once they lose that control, they will do anything in their power to make sure they suffer.”

In the last year, the Cairns region has shown the highest ever rates of breach of domestic violence protection orders.

There were a total of 8215 breaches in the Far North policing district in the last year, according to Queensland Crime Statistics.

The police division of Cairns contributed 2715 of those breaches.

Domestic and Family Violence by the numbers in Queensland 2022-2023

Number of deaths: 16

Domestic violence incidents: 171,750

DVO breaches: 59,558

Calls for help: 146,299

Cases of DV strangulation: 2854

Age of youngest fatality: 7 months

Domestic Violence Helplines

Cairns Regional Domestic Violence Service (Cairns, Tablelands, Douglas Shire) 07 40336100

DV Connect 1800811811 with webchat

Womensline: 1800 811 811

MensLine Australia: 1300 789 978

National Sexual Assault, Domestic Violence Counselling Service 24hr helpline: 1800 RESPECT

Lifeline: 13 1144

Family Violence Crisis and Support Service: 1800 608 122

Emergency/Police: 000

sandhya.ram@news.com.au