‘A lot of couples separate’: Why becoming an empty nester can end your marriage

When the children grow up and move out of home what does it mean for the parents left behind? A new book tackles how to save your marriage when you become an empty nester.

What happens to parents when their children grow up and need them less? A new book explores all the emotions parents feel when their children move away.

What happens to parents when their children grow up and need them less? Especially those parents who have invested a lot of time and emotion in their upbringing? How do parents cope with moving from being an essential part of the kids’ life to an optional extra? Is it liberating? Sad? Scary? Exciting? All of them?

Parents who are on good terms with their children often dread them moving out, but it is good for young adults to form their own independent life, and have the space to develop other relationships by living separately and making their own decisions and mistakes.

An important part of parenting is fostering independence in your children but, by doing so, you help them get to the point where they no longer need you.

Do more things with your partner, and put some effort into your friendships when your children leave home.

If you have found a great deal of meaning, and a strong sense of identity, in being a parent, what happens when suddenly your only contact with them is a few text messages a week and the odd meet-up? Once they move out, the kids – they’re not kids any more, but what else do parents call them? – are not going to be their parents’ principal source of emotional warmth, connection and intimacy.

Feelings of grief and loss are normal for parents. These feelings are easier to deal with if they have other things going on in their life to fill the time they used to spend with their kids. Tuesday-night tennis may not be quite as rewarding as fun family time (unless you hit a killer topspin down-the-line forehand), but it is better than staying at home wishing your kids were still seven.

Don’t stand there staring into your child’s empty bedroom. Those days are gone, and they’re not coming back. Fill up your life with things you enjoy. These days, many children stay at home well into their 20s.

There is often an economic issue, and sometimes an emotional one. Some children want to stay. Some parents encourage them to do so, but is it really in everyone’s best interests?

Every situation is different.

Some parents say, “He’s 22, and still lives here, but we see him about twice a week. He goes to work and is at his girlfriend’s place most nights.” He is living his own life and separating appropriately from his parents, while still using the physical resources of home.

When the children finally leave, parents often look at each other and wonder if they have anything in common anymore.

Parents, alone

When the children finally leave, parents often look at each other and wonder if they have anything in common anymore. Has their relationship become just a life-support system for the kids? To what extent has their investment of time and energy in their children been at the expense of their own bond?

For many couples, the kids always had to be driven somewhere, the intended date nights never happened, and most of the conversations they had together were logistical. “If I pick up Oscar, can you do the shopping?” Too much admin, not enough fun. The family unit has benefited, but the neglected one-on-one relationship has been collateral damage.

When the kids leave, many parents do wonder if their relationship with their partner will survive.

They also wonder where all their other adult friends have gone.

They, too, have been neglected.

Because kids need you less as they get older, in the year or two before they move out, get ready. Do more things with your partner, and put some effort into your friendships, so the transition is not as sudden.

A lot of couples separate at the point where children leave the home.

The relationship

When the kids leave, many parents wonder whether they want to reinvest in their relationship with their partner. Some do, and throw themselves into it. “The house feels empty and lonely, and it’s just you and me now. I used to like you. Maybe I still do. We just haven’t had time. Let’s see if it can still work.”

Some say, or perhaps think, and keep to themselves, “Before I decide that it’s over, let’s spend a few months seeing if we can revitalise our relationship.”

Others find that whatever they had 20 years ago is not there anymore. A lot of couples separate at this point.

Some want to find a new relationship, and go on awkward dates. Others are less enthusiastic. They want time and space to themselves and choose to live alone. Some get lonely, but many say they like the freedom and are happier.

When the kids leave, or even before, look for other activities to get involved in.

Fill your life

When the kids leave, or even before, look for other activities to get involved in. All those things you never had time to do when you were driving them to netball and soccer. “I always wanted to learn French/table tennis/karate/surfing.” You’re not too old!

Travel if you can. Find new challenges. For those who have spent many years providing childcare and making sure that the kids were fed and safe every night, this might just be the time to plan your own big and extended gap year. Take the time to do the things, and go to the places, you’ve put off for many years.

What other things can sustain you emotionally in the way that parenting has for the last 20 years?

Don’t resist change

When the kids leave home, it is a big change. Try to accept it. Time isn’t going to run backwards. When change comes, most of us overemphasise potential threats and underemphasise opportunities. We get more scared than excited. Try to get excited – avoid whingeing, and look at the opportunities.

Effects on mental health

When children leave home, parents’ mental health can be challenged. It is good to recognise that this is a time of higher than usual vulnerability, and take steps to take care of yourself. So, reinvest in your relationship with your partner, or if that relationship is no longer satisfying, work out what the next step is. Throw yourself into new activities.

Look for the opportunities the additional space in your life can offer. What other things can sustain you emotionally in the way that parenting has for the last 20 years?

Some put their energy into work or volunteering. Some think, “I’m free! I’ve put so much time into their needs. Finally, some time for me.”

For others, there is a real grief. “They don’t ring or text, they never want to come home, and they forgot my birthday again. They don’t seem to care.”

Author James O'Loghlin.

Author Ian Hickie.

Changing relationship with the kids

Some say, “I talk to my mum every day.”
That’s good, if they want to. Less good, if they feel they have to.

It’s great if parents and kids enjoy talking to each other into adulthood, share what is happening to them, and maintain a good relationship. If it becomes an obligation, however, and there is dependency, and even anger and frustration if the child doesn’t call, that is less healthy.

A User's Guide to the Mind is out now.

This is an edited extract from A User’s Guide to the Mind by Prof Ian Hickie and James O’Loghlin, Penguin, $37, out now

Originally published as ‘A lot of couples separate’: Why becoming an empty nester can end your marriage