Why are we so desperate to believe costars are dating?

Can the chemistry ever just stay on screen?

Even if they aren’t close off-set, deny the rumours publicly or have a years-long relationship with someone else, we simply can’t accept that our favourite couples will never make it off the screen.

Daisy and Paul, Sydney and Glenn, Meryl and Martin – we love to convince ourselves that romance never really just stays on the screen. 

Even when they’re in relationships with other people (sorry Gracie), we still will not let go of the belief that our favourite costars are holding a candle for each other in real life.

Why are we so committed to building entire romances for costars who are maybe just really good at their jobs?

Are we sceptical of anyone being that good an actor? 

Have the Leo Woodalls and Meghann Fahys, and Zendayas and Tom Hollands, Ryan Goslings and Eva Mendes’, and Blake Livelys and Ryan Reynolds’ of the world doomed us to pray to see the same love stories repeated again and again throughout Hollywood?

Or do we see two hot people doing regular civilian things offset, and struggle to believe that men and women could ever be that close of friends? 

Can men and women have great chemistry and just be friends?

My current feed solely consists of Paul Mescal and Gracie Abrams, and of course, Paul Mescal and Daisy Edgar Jones – so the question has been plaguing me, can men and women have great chemistry and just be friends?

“Absolutely", says dating coach and founder of Sideswiped, Sera Bozza. "But only if we stop treating chemistry like a binding agreement."

"It’s not a green light, a red flag, or a soulmate certificate. It can come from intellectual connection, shared values, or even just great timing. And it doesn’t always come with desire”

The problem is we confuse chemistry with destiny. Image: Pexels

”The problem is we confuse chemistry with destiny", she adds. "We assume that any spark must lead somewhere. But a spark is just a signal. What you choose to do with it is what matters.”

Well I'm rethinking everyone I've ever pursued. 

“Men and women can have powerful, meaningful connections that never cross the line into romance. That’s not repression. That’s clarity. Learning how to hold that tension without needing to act on it is a real mark of emotional maturity”, Bozza continues.

And let’s be honest. If we can’t allow chemistry to exist without trying to turn it into something, we’ll keep mistaking curiosity for compatibility and connection for commitment. Image: Pexels

"And let’s be honest. If we can’t allow chemistry to exist without trying to turn it into something, we’ll keep mistaking curiosity for compatibility and connection for commitment. That’s how we end up dating people who were meant to be mirrors, not partners.”

But why are we so hellbent on seeing on-screen chemistry spill into real life?

Why can’t we let onscreen love just stay onscreen?

“Because we’re not just watching chemistry. We’re projecting onto it”, the dating expert explains.

“When two actors have great on-screen rapport, we want the fairytale to keep going once the cameras stop. It’s less about them and more about us. We’re craving proof that lasting, effortless love still exists somewhere, even if it’s entirely scripted.”

Ouch.

“Psychologically, this taps into romantic idealisation and parasocial relationships. We feel emotionally close to these people, even though we don’t actually know them. We start filling in the gaps with our own fantasy, hoping their love story will succeed in ways ours haven’t.”

There are other factors involved though.

Bozza says, “there’s also a deeper discomfort at play.”

"We hate ambiguity. So when we see two people who click, we want resolution. They must be together. It has to mean something. That need for certainty makes us forget that good chemistry can be performed, edited, and timed to a soundtrack.”

And if, like me, and love the incomparable high you feel when you guess what’s going to happen in a movie before it happens, you're likely also doomed to forever root for your favourite costars.

“If we can predict or 'call it' before deuxmoi confirms it, we feel like we’ve won something”, Bozza says. "It’s not just entertainment anymore. It’s emotional investment with a side of self-validation.”

Will understanding why we're obsessed with seeing our comfort characters make it in the real world affect our investment in their relationships, or lack thereof? Unsure. 

Does it still feel good to believe it could happen? Absolutely.

Originally published as Why are we so desperate to believe costars are dating?