The dos and don'ts of a sleep divorce, according to an expert
Say sweet dreams to your bedmate
Lifestyle
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With nearly a fifth of us consciously uncoupling from our partners at bedtime, sleeping apart has become a hot (snooze) button topic. So, should you give it a try? Body+Soul goes under the covers…
Tonight, Naomi Hutchings and her partner of six years, Lauren, will cuddle on the couch before getting ready for sleep. The couple will joke about bed-sharing with their three cocker spaniels, as Hutchings climbs under the covers, switches on a low light, and opens the book beside her. Lauren will kiss her goodnight and leave – not to bring back a glass of water, but to sleep in another room.
The pair started snoozing separately about two years into dating, thanks to different bedtime routines and her now-wife’s snoring leaving Hutchings exhausted. And it’s one of the best decisions they’ve ever made. “I’m getting much better sleep and am feeling more refreshed, while Lauren is less anxious [about keeping me awake],” shares Hutchings, a clinical sexologist and relationship counsellor. “I like that little bit of time to myself at night, and then I look forward to seeing her in the morning.”
This nocturnal parting of ways is far from unique, as a growing number of us turn our backs on bedmates and embrace the solo slumber life. Welcome to the era of the ‘sleep divorce’ – a buzz term used to describe romantic partners sleeping apart under the same roof and one that’s now in the spotlight more than ever.
Actor and entrepreneur Cameron Diaz made headlines in December when she spoke in favour of “normalising separate bedrooms” in relationships. Journalist Edwina Bartholomew has credited two beds as the secret to her happy marriage, while podcaster Zoe Marshall shared in an interview that she loves sleeping apart from her NRL-legend husband, Benji Marshall.
Around 17 per cent of Aussies living with a partner are thought to sleep alone and according to a recent poll, triggers for a split range from snoring and fidgeting to wanting more space and clashing mattress preferences.
Adjunct Clinical Associate Professor, Moira Junge, believes that the uptick in interest is partly because we’re becoming more aware of the power of a peaceful night’s rest for wellbeing. “Everyone is waking up to the importance of sleep,” says the Sleep Health Foundation CEO. “Sharing a bed might’ve always been problematic for some people, but it just wasn’t often talked about publicly. As we’re becoming a more open and progressive society, the choice to sleep separately within an intimate relationship is starting to become a lot less taboo.”
Despite this shift, the mention of a sleep divorce can still raise sceptical eyebrows – it’s a surefire sign your relationship is on the rocks, right? Well, good news: that’s not the case, especially once you’ve uncovered the secrets to sweet-dream success (hint: it involves honest communication). Intrigued? Doonas, at the ready.
Pull back the covers
Whatever your relationship status, it’s worth recapping the powerful impact of a good night’s rest on how we feel and function daily. “Getting adequate, high-quality, and consistent sleep is a core element of mental and physical health, supporting our energy, mood, concentration, memory, and immune system,” confirms Junge. “It’s also a very important component of harmonious interpersonal relationships – better sleep equals better emotional regulation.” Quality Zs also have a positive impact on our feelings of gratitude, resilience, and flourishing, reveals 2024 research in the journal , which contributes to how we behave socially.
For Chelsea Pottenger, improved mental wellbeing was the catalyst for a conversation with Jay, her husband of 16 years, about hitting the sack separately. “Jay snores a bit and I fidget. He’s six-foot-four and I’m five-foot-10, so that’s a lot of human in a bed,” says the founder of mental health platform, EQ Minds, and author of . “As someone who had insomnia with postnatal depression after having our daughter, I wanted us to do everything in our power to protect our sleep.
“Jay agreed it was a great idea, so we’ve been sleeping in different bedrooms for the last eight and a half years, and it’s fantastic. We’re closer than ever, to be honest, because we understand how vital sleep is to our health and relationships. Getting good rest helps you to speak much more nicely to each other the next day.”
Katie O’Donoghue, a relationship coach and couples therapist, explains it’s OK to have different needs to your partner. “Maybe one identifies as a morning person and the other is a night owl; perhaps someone has a sleep disorder or there are conflicting work schedules,” she says. “You might find you need to sleep separately for your relationship to thrive. It depends on a couple’s level of security, but with the right steps and good communication skills, people can make that choice and also feel safe in making it, too.”
Pillow talk
If you’re dreaming of solo slumber, start by figuring out your ‘why’ – this can also help you spot any deeper motivation that might need expert support. “Get really clear on your reason for making this suggestion, so you have that clarity and there’s no confusion [when you’re communicating it],” says O’Donoghue.
“When bringing it up, be kind, curious, and open to reaching an agreement that suits you both. Maybe it could be a flexible arrangement, like Monday to Friday you could sleep separately and then you’re in the same bed on weekends.” There’s no concrete recipe, she notes, so keep checking in with each other and change things up if needed. “Make a commitment to ensure you’re both very intentional with intimacy, too, and really have those rituals of connection established.”
Hutchings adds: “Not sleeping in the same bed doesn’t mean that we don’t have sex. They’re different things; sex can happen at any time. A lot of my clients worry about that [when talking about sleeping separately] so I’m always keen to make that distinction.”
Dreamy horizons
While the words ‘sleep divorce’ might not strike the most positive note, this is ultimately a bedtime story about getting on the same page as your partner. “It means that you both respect and value sleep. It doesn’t mean you need to sleep to the same drum,” says Junge.
Seems a new frontier is emerging – one where conversations around sleep compatibility are normalised and the focus is finding a sweet spot for your well-being and relationship. This could be snoozing entwined like pretzels, regularly switching spoon status, or happily getting your best rest at opposite ends of the house. Hey, there’s even the Scandi-inspired trend of two doonas if cover-hogging is your issue.
“It’s OK to explore and figure it out together,” says O’Donoghue. “At the end of the day, it’s not about society or somebody else; it’s about you and your partner. You create your own relationship rules.” Now that’s #couplegoals.
The dos and don’ts of sleep divorce
Sold on separate beds? Make it harmonious by following this checklist
Do...Pick your moment
Raise the topic when you’re both relaxed and not rushed. “Use ‘I’ statements like ‘I feel’ or ‘I need’ rather than critical or blaming language,” suggests O’Donoghue.
Don't...Make assumptions
Bed-sharing might mean more to one of you, so gently unpack that and be open to compromise. “It’s important to respect each other’s beliefs and values,” says Junge
Do...Have a trial period
Set a time frame, then check in on how it’s going, advises Junge. “Each party’s interests should be considered, not just the person with the sleeping difficulty.”
Do... Cosy up the second space
If one of you is snoozing on the sofa, still be mindful of creating a sleep-friendly space, tips Hutchings. Think: throw pillows, calm lighting, blackout curtains, and so on.
Do... Seek expert advice
Troubleshoot the cause of disturbed sleep, whether it’s snoring, night sweats or back-to-back bathroom trips, to rule out any underlying health issues.
Don't...forget to touch base
O’Donoghue advocates regular relationship check-ins “to raise any issues, talk about what’s working well or what you might need more or less of”.
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