‘You have to change people’: Why you should mould the one you love

Couples have long lived by the advice that you cannot change the one you love. But according to life coach Jaemin Frazer that’s the worst advice ever. Find out why.

Many relationships have lived, and probably died, by long-held advice to never try to change the one you love.

Author of a new book, Leverage, and founder of the Insecurity Project, Jaemin Frazer says it’s the worst advice ever.

“You have to change people,’’ Frazer says.

“Many people have failed attempts at trying to accept the things that drive them crazy and just end up miserable.

“The longer things go, the harder they are to address but you must have those difficult conversations even after a lot of time has passed. This is the only way.’’

Frazer, who’s also a life coach, says the aim is to always try to return to the ‘clean’ space that exists in the earliest stages of a relationship.

It’s a place where both parties are working hard to put their best foot forward, to not offend and to build a connection.

Then, as life progresses, misunderstandings, annoyances and let downs ensue, polluting and contaminating that clean space. Unless, they’re addressed.

“You have to fight to get that clean space back,’’ he says.

“The main thing that holds people back from saying they hate the way you leave your shoes lying around the house or make rude comments is fear they will lose. It’s an insecurity problem — ‘I can’t afford to address this in case it gets bad and I lose the person’.’’

Author of a new book, Leverage, and founder of the Insecurity Project, Jaemin Frazer with his wife Katherine. Picture: Peter Oliver

He has faced this regularly in his own 23-year marriage to wife Katherine, citing one instance when he made a new female friend at a conference. He told his wife about the encounter because he regarded it as a new valued business and personal friendship.

“I’m very used to Jaemin having female friends but there was something about this situation that didn’t sit well with me so I raised it after a few days,’’ Ms Frazer says.

“We had a lot of conversations about it and decided that the friendship would stay strictly on a business footing but a couple of months later I realised I still didn’t like that situation so I went back to him to say I wasn’t OK with it.’’

While he initially thought it would be unfair to end the whole friendship, fearing he had to be guarded about talking to women when he works with more women than men, when his wife raised her concerns again, he acted immediately.

“Because she was so clear about what she deserved and wanted and it wasn’t a petty issue, I could see there would be significant consequences if I pushed back and it could have cost me my marriage,’’ he says.

“I ended all contact with the person and I knew why I needed to do that. Katherine is my queen and means everything to me.’’

Living in fear of losing your partner despite their behaviours upsetting you is not recommended. Photo: iStock

He has devised a five-step process of how to change someone, as follows.

1. Security. It starts in your own relationship with yourself. Realise you are the prize and, if your partner doesn’t love you as you deserve, others will.

2. Clarity. Know the rules – what matters to you – and acknowledge that in each other. If you deliberately do the opposite of what matters to your partner, it’s deeply disrespectful and unkind.

3. Integrity. Don’t ask things of another you haven’t asked of yourself. If you ask another to change, you must have already demanded change of yourself in some way.

4. Maturity. The ability to negotiate (change each other’s minds) rather than compromise (settling for less than you deserve).

5. Authority. Knowing this is not a request or suggestion, but it must change. The culmination of knowing what you deserve, the capacity to negotiate and knowing the consequences if it doesn’t change.

SAYING SORRY

Jaemin Frazer says when issues are not resolved completely there’s an inevitable build-up of resentment, guardedness, and erosion of trust. When these four steps are followed, the walls come down and forgiveness can be given freely and trust rebuilt.

WHAT: Show you understand exactly what you are apologising for.

WHY: Explain why you behaved in a way that caused pain to the other person.

EMPATHY: Understanding how this would feel if someone did it to you.

BELIEVABLE PLAN: Offer your best plan about why this is unlikely to happen again in the future.

Book cover of Leverage -- How to change the people you love for all the right reasons and get the relationship you deserve.

Leverage, by Jaemin Frazer. Available March 29 in bookstores. $32.95

Originally published as ‘You have to change people’: Why you should mould the one you love