How to hold a money date night for a stronger relationship

Talking about money produces richer relationships and wealthier lives. Here’s how to start, run and stick to a money date night.

Light a candle, put on some soft music, pour your partner their favourite drink, sit down and … talk about money.

Money? What? Why? While finance and romance don’t seem like perfect partners, scheduling regular money dates can be a brilliant relationship builder.

Money coach Karen Eley says money can be a sensitive and uncomfortable topic for couples to discuss, but if you don’t talk about it in an honest and supportive way it can infect other areas of your relationship.

Your first money date doesn’t have to be tonight on Valentine’s Day, and it doesn’t have to be at a restaurant or cafe. It simply could be at home with some drinks, nibbles, pens and paper, but it does need to be scheduled to avoid it disappearing amid busy everyday lives.

Eley says schedule a time that works for you both, and have a small agenda with planned discussion points. Date one may simply be asking each other questions about your financial beliefs.

“Take stock of where you are today – what do we earn, spend, own and owe,” she says.

Money coach Karen Eley says a date night can sort out money tasks. Picture: Heidi Wolff

“If you haven’t done a budget or know exactly what your spending is, this should be a separate money date of its own – schedule it in.

“Talk about where you want to be – what are your 12-month, three-to-five year and five-plus year life and financial goals?”

It’s good to mix life goals and money goals, because a majority of people’s life goals are likely to require money, often lots of it.

Barefoot Investor, author, and financial counsellor Scott Pape has long recommended monthly date nights where couples talk about money, and says it’s important to intentionally carve out time each month to track progress and keep yourself accountable.

“My wife and I continue to do it to this day,” he says.

“We started when we had no kids, we now have four and we get a babysitter in and we do it. We only spend 10 or 15 minutes talking about money and for the rest of it we talk about the food.

“One of the hardest things about relationships is not just navigating the toilet seat or the toothbrush, it’s sharing your finances.”

Freya Hunter and fiance Obakeng Mokhuane are big believers in monthly money catch-ups.

“We set aside a couple of hours on a weekend – it’s something we hold in high importance,” she says.

“We also talk about our finances during the month, but this is time in the diary we block out.”

Eley suggests setting a theme for each date. Think about financial tasks you want to complete over the next six months and schedule them in.

One theme could be dividing roles so both partners have skin in the game.

Eley says in a relationship there tends to be one person who takes the lead in financial matters.

The other partner is “either left in the dark, feeling like they’re being parented, or lives blissfully in denial”, she says.

Tasks to divide can include:

• Storing and filing documents.

• Paying bills and managing cash flow.

• Dealing with debt reduction.

• Reviewing financial contracts such as insurance, energy bills and phone plans.

• Tracking results and setting strategies.

Freya Hunter and Obakeng Mokhuane set aside specific time to talk about their finances. Picture: Toby Zerna

Consider keeping a money date journal that you can refer back to on future money dates.

And despite the dry nature of the topic, remember intimacy.

“It’s also a time to connect with your spouse,” Eley says.

“Sit close to each other, hold hands when you talk with each other, look into each other’s eyes – you’re a team wanting to work together.”

YOUR FIRST MONEY DATE

Start with these questions to understand each other’s financial brain better:

• What’s your earliest memory around money?

• What was growing up like financially, and how did it impact the way you feel about money today?

• What three things did your parents teach you about money (healthy or unhealthy)?

• What are your money goals and fears?

Source: Money coach Karen Eley

Originally published as How to hold a money date night for a stronger relationship