Forever friends: Why some people ‘click’ instantly and others don’t

Friendships that ‘click’ can last a lifetime, but what makes them so special? See what the experts say.

An Irish proverb states: “A good friend is like a four-leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have.”

And they say that friends are the family you choose, and while some will come and go over time, some friendships will span a lifetime.

A 2018 study from the University of Kansas revealed that it can take more than 200 hours to become close enough to someone to share a real emotional connection. So what causes the “click” of kindred spirits?

Dr Marisa G Franco PhD is a psychologist and friendship expert and says we “gravitate towards people that are similar to us”.

“Research finds that when we have something unique about us that’s in common, like the same birthday, we particularly feel connected,” says the author of Platonic: How Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Help You Make And Keep Friends.

Studies are also investigating whether we “click” because we’re literally on the same wavelength.

In 2018 researchers from the University of California, Los Angeles, found that when a graduating class of students was shown a series of unfamiliar video clips, the brains of friends showed remarkably similar patterns of activity in several regions. The closer the friends, the more similar the brainwaves.

Dr Marisa G. Franco. Picture: Dr Darren Agboh

Dr Marisa G. Franco. Picture: Dr Darren Agboh

“Similarity and common ground is a major feature for why we connect,” says Franco. “Part of the reason this happens is the theory of inferred attraction. It argues that we like people who think like us, and when someone has something in common with us we think that they’re like us.”

When it comes to gender differences, life coach, conscious connection expert and mindfulness instructor Karina Chapman says it’s all about time.

“Traditionally, men are conditioned to not show as much emotion and vulnerability,” she explains.

“This means that they take a longer time to feel comfortable about sharing their deepest, darkest secrets than women do. With men, best friendships may be slower to form but their bond can be just as strong as it is between women besties.”

There are challenges in maintaining friendships, however. Chapman says moving away can diminish a bond over time, along with a change in beliefs, personal growth, new interests and new friends.

Life coach Karina Chapman.

Kerry Holding and Naomi Dent from Adelaide have been friends for 21 years.

The pandemic has also had an impact. Snapchat’s 2020 Friendship Report, which involved 40,000 participants aged 13 to 40 from 16 countries including Australia, revealed that 67 per cent of people said their friendships had not been impacted by Covid-19, a third said that it had changed their relationships, and 47 per cent said they felt closer to their friends than previously.

“The pandemic has affected the closeness of many friendships because it has been more difficult to catch up in person, and different beliefs regarding vaccination widened the gap between friends when they had opposing views,” says Chapman.

Naomi Dent and Kerry Holding, of Adelaide, have been friends for 21 years after meeting at a birthing centre reunion.

Holding, who’s 48 and a mum-of-three, says Dent was struggling with her first baby, Harry, who had reflux and sleeping issues.

“Naomi was exhausted, and she was where I had been when my first child was born,” she says.

“I just wanted to help this beautiful young mum.”

Dent, 45, says Holding was the only person who saw how frightened she was.

“I had recently moved back to Adelaide and I didn’t have a group of friends,” she explains.

“I was frightened Harry was going to die in those first three months. It wasn’t just that Kerry would do kind things like bring over dinner but more that she listened to me.”

Although the pair have fallen out at times over the years, their close friendship has ultimately endured.

“We aren’t afraid of having hard conversations and being honest,” says Dent.

“We give each other tough love at times, but saying difficult things is what makes our friendship deeper.”

Holding says their friendship endures because of “respect, loyalty and trust”.

“We are each other’s biggest cheer squad,” she says.

“And while our lives are different, we always make time, listen without judgment or criticism, and we are always honest yet kind with each other.”

Platonic: How Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Help You Make And Keep Friends (Pan Macmillan), RRP $34.99, will be published in September and available from all leading booksellers.

Originally published as Forever friends: Why some people ‘click’ instantly and others don’t