‘This one of the most undignified things you can do in public’

With breakdancing ruled out of the Olympics for the Los Angeles 2028 Games I have some ideas for some other non-traditional sports to be showcased.

Magpie season heads to Brisbane

Now that breakdancing has been ruled out as an Olympic sport for the Los Angeles 2028 Olympic Games – no further comment – spots have opened up for other non-traditional Olympic sports to be showcased.

This is done every Olympic Games and, for the 2028 Los Angeles Games, these are Twenty20 cricket, flag football, and lacrosse.

For the 2032 Brisbane Olympics, however, the field is wide open, and I believe this would be the perfect time to introduce the world to a uniquely Australian sport. Magpie Dodging.

Yes, this is a sport all Australians are trained in from childhood, one that requires real skills – agility, speed, flexibility, and the ability to flee quickly on a pushbike while under attack.

I, myself, am currently training for this sport every morning when I am engaged in a hand-to-claw combat battle just to get in my car. We have a resident magpie in our garden, and I try to survive her attacks by performing a series of judo techniques, combined with some improvisational dance moves.

Frances Whiting. Picture: David Kelly

And yes, thank you, I do look extremely cool while doing this.

Now, what I envisage for the Olympics would be a timed event where competitors must make their way across some sort of obstacle course, while being swooped by a crack team of trained maggies.

Some of the course would be completed on bike, with competitors wearing one of those very cool helmets with the sticks all over it. Or a party hat. With streamers. Because it’s recently been discovered that wearing one of these celebratory hats is much more effective than other methods. It’s also been discovered that just when you think being attacked by a magpie couldn’t look any less cool, apparently it can. Being attacked by a magpie in public is one of the most undignified things you can do in public isn’t it? It’s right up there with reversing the car and breaking wind in yoga.

And in more magpie news, scientists also say that instead of flapping your arms around and panicking when a magpie swoops, the trick is to stand very still and simply talk to the magpie.

I can’t imagine what you might say: “Please don’t peck my eye out” presumably – but whatever you choose to say, the researchers advise saying it in a pleasant and calm tone.

Not easy to pull off when you’re being attacked in public while wearing a party hat, but there you go.

A magpies beginning to swoop a cyclist.

Professor Gisela Kaplan from The University of New England and an expert in animal behaviour says that instead of seeing magpies as the enemy, it is far easier to befriend them. They are, after all, only doing what we humans do if we sense our child is in danger – which, I don’t know about you, but if I’d ever sensed my kids were in danger when they were little, I too attacked first and asked questions later. Actually, I didn’t even ask questions, I just went full Muminator.

In the meantime, I’d love to hear what you think about my suggestion, and also any of your own.

What’s a uniquely Australian event you’d like to see at our Olympics? Horsefly Dodging at the beach? Running across the Bindi Patch? Ocean Swim with Bluebottles?

Honestly, we should all get medals just for living here.

Originally published as ‘This one of the most undignified things you can do in public’