Susie O’Brien: The list no town wants to appear on

It’s the list no town wants to be on, but Kimba, Port Pirie, Mt Gambier, even Tea Tree Plaza, have made an appearance on Facebook page Shit Towns of Australia.

Kalgoorlie has made the final round of Australia’s Shittiest Town

Shit towns? I’ve lived in a few. There was the one in South Australia’s north that was dug up because it was located on a coal mine. Its claim to fame was being the place where there’s “nothing to do” and “no-one to see” in a John Schumann song.

I lived in another town in Western Australia that was once billed as the “wildest town in the west”. Local attractions included the road leading out of town, a closed nickel mine and balls of spinifex on the edge of the highway.*

So, I’ve been having a lot of fun following the Facebook page Shit Towns of Australia, which promises to keep us abreast of “all the best places not to visit or live”.

The page marvels at Australia’s wealth of turd towns. “Ever since it was invaded by Her Majesty’s finest explorers and populated by her worst criminals, Australia has excelled at the art of shit-townery,” it says.

The first post was back in July last year, when Townsville was given the big brown gong for being named after a slave trader, Robert Towns.

Every few days the editors trawl the news for reasons to elevate one place or another onto the top-10 shit list.

From gastro outbreaks at Moreton Island, to the dumping of kittens at Tea Tree Plaza, there’s a new stinker each week. Adelaide often features, thanks to noisy cockatoos annoying neighbours, the phallic shape of a skate park and public servants urinating in weird places.

It’s good to see Adelaide finally getting the recognition it deserves.

Don’t be offended. Own it, Adelaide.

Many of the places I’ve called home over the years regularly make the weekly short list. This week’s top prize goes to Kalgoorlie, where my sister was born. It received kudos – of sorts – for having a resident who hit his partner with half a brick after she demanded he strip off so she could smell his “private area” to make sure he hadn’t been cheating.

Kimba in SA also received recognition recently “because the majority of locals support turning (the) town into a nuclear waste dump”.

Eight towns are in the running for Shit Town of the Year 2019, including Mount Gambier, Mount Isa, Kalgoorlie, Dubbo and Tennant Creek.

Tennant Creek, population 3000 Photo: Ross Land/Getty Images

Kalgoorlie’s nomination was embraced by long-term resident Sarah Hinton who posed in front of one of the town’s features: the world’s tallest rubbish bin. While some other “big” tourist attractions such as the Big Merino and the Big Bogan draw crowds, it appears this one doesn’t have the same appeal.

Hinton, who came to the town for a week and is “still here 14 years later” is determined to see Kalgoorlie win.

Kalgoorlie – in the running

“Now that we’ve gotten into the final rounds, I would actually be quite embarrassed to be Australia’s third shittiest town,” she told the ABC.

It’s funny because it’s true. Sure, the page focuses on the irritations, dangers and shortcomings of many struggling towns, but that’s life in the small smoke. Many of the incidents and individuals highlighted are things that have been bugging locals for years.

Indeed, frustrated residents seem to be the biggest contributors to the page, often nominating their home towns such as Ipswich, Toowoomba and Port Augusta for inclusion.

The big cities don’t escape the wrath of the page’s administrators, with Perth described as having “some of the tastiest people on the planet” according to sharks.

Darwin, it says, is maintained by the Federal Government as a “live-action replica of what could be expected to happen to an Australian city in a nuclear apocalypse”.

And Melbourne is the home of “butt-ugly state housing slum towers”. Touche.

Port Pirie is also singled out as a place where you “don’t need hills to have hillbillies”. This is due in large part to local Karen Davis, a well-endowed woman who flashed her bare breasts on Google Earth street view. It was on her bucket list after meeting Sam Newman (doesn’t that say it all?). Davis loved being mentioned on the page, noting that others in the town “hate me for my boobies” and still haven’t forgiven her five years later.

It’s hilarious because characters like Davis are what makes living in small towns special. The frustrations, ferals and freaks makes small town life unique.

But do you know the funniest thing about the page?

It’s operated by three people who live in New Zealand.

*With many apologies to the good folk of Leigh Creek in SA and Laverton in WA.