Nikki Osborne on the dog breed you shouldn’t get tricked into owning

You’re wondering if you can sue Instagram – you’ve been tricked into buying the dog equivalent of an influencer: thick as two short planks and just says dumb things at you all day.

Nikki Osborne on what your dog says about you.

You asked for it and so here it is: What your dog purchase says about you, part two.
● Pit bull: You act tough but you’re actually a total softie. Why? Because you clearly put aesthetics aside when you bought this dog.

Pit bull owners clearly put aesthetics aside.

Or should I say rescued it. You only BUY a pit bull if you live in a rough area and need a dog scarier than the methheads trying to steal your tools from your SUV.

● Doberman: You’re an impulsive person and don’t think things through. How do I know this? Because if you’re not the owner of a wrecking yard or an enormous compound in Mexico, then you’ve probably bought the wrong dog … but you don’t care because you’ve bought a killing machine that looks brilliant in bling on Instagram.

Doberman are basically fur sharks.

Oh and you don’t like visitors. Obviously. Because to everyone else your dog is basically a fur shark … which gets you out of hosting play dates. OK, actually, you’re smart. Well played.

● Husky: You’re wondering if you can sue Instagram for tricking you into bringing this lunatic dog into your house. Your algorithm had you convinced that your husky would be loyal, cuddly with the occasional funny woof.

Huskys are the dog equivalent of an Instagram influencer.

Instead, you’ve bought the dog equivalent of an Instagram influencer: thick as two short planks and just says dumb things at you all day. You often lay in your fur-infested bed at night, wondering if the chaos is all worth it, but then you rewatch the video of it falling off the couch and you smile, because that video might go viral and make you money … so you can pay for the repairs on the door frame your dog chomped through.

● Pug: You don’t care that your dog’s face looks like a stomped-on Coke can because at least it’s not a Frenchie. You’re the OG of trending dog purchases. You don’t mind that it snores while awake. In fact, the more messed up your dog is, the better, because it makes you look like a better person for loving it.

Pugs have a face that resemble a stomped-on Coke can.

And you probably are. You’re like nurses, you know, doing what nobody else is willing to do. Because let’s face it, both ends of these dogs look similar.

● Cattle dog: You’re so Australian you make The Castle look like a Nordic noir film. You’re the kind of person who would yell, “Nah bugger off ya d--khead,” while watching a parliamentary speech.

Cattle dog owners are so Australian you make The Castle look like a Nordic noir film.

You needed a proper dog that you could give a human name to. If the dog doesn’t look like a Dave or a Bruce then you don’t want it. Or if you do get a girl dog then you call it Sheila, because it’s the only b-tch you want in your life for the next 15 years while you watch Gogglebox together.

● Sausage dog: It felt like a good idea at the time didn’t it? Admit it. You’d been sucked in by the local cafe dogs Schnapps and Schmacko in their matching knitted vests.

If you own a sausage dog, you’ve inherited a yapping sass machine.

“They’re only little dogs so they must be easy to manage,” you thought, but oh no. Instead you’ve inherited a yapping sass machine.

● Kelpie: You still harbour nostalgic feelings of visiting your grandparents’ farm as a kid and so buy a kelpie. Congrats! You’ve just bought a stage-five clinger. Who needs a stalker when you’ve got a kelpie? You can’t even pee in peace without having those brown eyes tracking you across the room. You think you own them? Ha! They own you now. Think you’re going to go out? Oh no you don’t.

Kelpies are stage-five clingers.

You’re not going anywhere without them EVER AGAIN! Yes they’re incredibly loyal, but loyal in a bunny boiler kind of way. The only comfort with kelpies is that their incessant demands to go for 85 walks a day will ensure you never get fat … or make other friends.

● Mountain dogs: The breeder promised you it was from a smaller-sized lineage but six months later, as you’re lugging its 70kg arse into the back of your undersized SUV, you realise you’ve been conned. You bought the dog because of its beautiful grand stature and thought it would pair nicely with your plaid pants like in the chateau paintings, however what you’ve realised is that your pants have instead become a lap napkin for your drooly dog cuddles.

Originally published as Nikki Osborne on the dog breed you shouldn’t get tricked into owning