Jayden, ABCDE, Cressida: What your child’s name says about you

Naming your child is a major responsibility: many can’t help but choose something so absurd they will never be overlooked, writes Nikki Osborne.

Nikki Osborne reveals what your child’s name says about you.

Naming a baby is one of the biggest responsibilities a parent can have.

We try to not have prejudice when meeting someone for the first time but there’s no denying that certain names evoke certain perceptions of someone.

For example, if I asked: who’s hotter, Daniel or Barry, you’d say Daniel. Without even seeing them. Am I right?

And while some people buck the trend, for the most part, we name our children in the image of someone famous.

The result, a collection of similar traits belonging to the name, and the namers.

So, here it goes: what your child’s name says about you!

■ Matilda: You’re a patriotic hipster. You love Australia, but not in a flag-themed plugger-wearing way, but rather, in a linen-wearing way. Your favourite radio station is Triple J and you always host the Hottest 100 Countdown, until it was cancelled of course. Which you pretend to agree with. The other name you had on your shortlist was Olive. Admit it.

Naming your baby is one of the biggest responsibilities a parent can have.

■ Joshua: You’ve clearly never been or spoken to a schoolteacher because they would’ve warned you against it! J names are the naughtiest, with Joshua topping the list! James is a close second. But you don’t care because your little ratbag is the apple of your eye and you will enable him to become the monster he’s destined to be! Godspeed.

■ Cressida: How is living in the bayside suburbs treating you? While you live near the water you never actually go outside as you’re protecting your Downton Abbey complexion. I’ve never met a Cressida that doesn’t have a trust fund and a wide-brimmed hat. In fact, I’ve never met a Cressida. I can’t afford the entry fee to the dressage competition.

■ William:You decided that as long as Prince William is around, the name is a safe bet. You’re the kind of person who’s been on ancestry.com in the hope that your incredibly white genetics link back to some form of royalty. Instead you discover that your great-great-uncle shagged his cousin and now you’ve got 11 toes.

■ Brett: I love the name Brett. Whenever I meet someone with the name Brett I just smile, because I imagine a mother in a maternity ward, with a beautiful baby boy, going: “He’s so beautiful, I think I’ll call him … (in strong ocker accent) … Brett”.

■ Jayden:You like Holdens and Commodores and dirt bikes. You liked the name Hayden but it wasn’t working class enough so you whacked in the evil J. Now you’ve got trouble on your hands and possibly a dirt bike champion.

■ ABCDE: pronounced: Absedee. You were probably given an unremarkable name yourself and have always had a difficult relationship with your overly sensible parents. So you dye your hair purple, join a cult and name your kid something so absurd they will certainly never be overlooked like you were. Why not give her the middle name WTF while you’re at it because it’s certainly what your child will be saying as she starts school.

■ David:This is your seventh child and to be honest, you’ve just given up. It’s the only solid male name left that’s inoffensive, and you’re so exhausted from packing lunches and driving kids to activity jail that you’ve chosen the path of least resistance.

Originally published as Jayden, ABCDE, Cressida: What your child’s name says about you